Helping Fathers Become Dads - MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood

What is Easy but Difficult and Does So Much Good?

5/6/2019

I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. It is this. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many!

Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
It could be you are embarrassed
You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
It's possible you just don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.

Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
Your admission is a real sign of maturity
It takes away someone's anger towards you
It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
Even if you don't think you were wrong, saying sorry says you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings.

Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and they will most of the time. Young children just want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,

An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
A weak apology is like no apology
An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult sometimes. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down, there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this.

An Open Letter to Every Child Who Worries Too Much

4/29/2019

Worry: To torment oneself

Last week, at a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball game, I was walking in the corridors between innings with my ten-year-old granddaughter. She noticed there was a medical cart with a stretcher on it and asked me why it was there. I told her that sometimes people fall or experience heat exhaustion, etc. and need medical attention. With 47,000 people in the ballpark, it would be likely that someone may need medical help. Immediately she asked if I thought anyone would get heat exhaustion today (it was 76 degrees), and where would they take them? “How often do people fall”? “What happens when people get heat exhaustion”? She continued showing concern for people she didn’t know about things that hadn’t happened. We were there to have a great time, but her focus was elsewhere.

Her anxiety was not an isolated incident. My granddaughter worries continuously about things she hears on the news, things she sees on TV, the fate of people and animals, and things that might happen – even if unlikely. Although her parents are frequently reassuring her, it doesn’t seem to help. Because I don’t want her to go through her young life like this, I decided to write her a letter, but I have not decided to give it to her, yet. I leave that decision to her parents.

Knowing she is not the only person, young or old, who wastes precious time worrying, I thought I would share this letter in my blog, Helping Fathers to Be Dads. I tailored this letter to my granddaughter, but much of what I say is appropriate for anyone who has a loved one that tends to mistake ‘worry’ as something kind, as some type of salve that will make things better. It is sad to see someone else who is unhappy or in some distress. But to see someone who is sad when they have many other reasons to be thankful or when nothing wrong has happened to them, it is a waste of their precious time on this earth. This letter is my attempt at an argument that might help those worriers to enjoy their lives better.

* * *
Dear Granddaughter,

When you came into the world, it was then I knew that being a grandfather was what I always wanted to be. When you were a baby and toddler, I had the privilege of spending time with you, one-on-one, being completely taken by your joyous and adorable personality. As you grew, you remained as sweet as the day you were born, and it was apparent you had gifts of intelligence, creativity, and empathy for others. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, but there is one thing I’d like to bring up to hopefully help you live a more cheerful life.

Too many times I’ve seen the sadness in your eyes as you have seen the struggles of others and felt their pain. Your concern for them is one of your finest traits, and I love you so much for it. But don’t replace empathy for others with wasteful worry. Your heart is big, big enough to share it with others. Even the potential of sad events is worrisome to you as you suffer in small amounts, stealing from your deserved happiness and right to a childhood that should be as innocent and lighthearted as possible.

I hope you understand that adulthood will bring you new and immediate concerns. But they will be concerns that more directly affect you and, fortunately, you will be better prepared and capable of handling them. You will move from worrying about things you cannot change or fix to issues that you can attack to the best of your given abilities. Being able to address a concern is comforting and something you will do. What will not change is life as it has been for thousands of years - full of good things and bad, joy and sorrow, miracles and tragedies, and ups and downs. The cycle of life and the survival of the fittest are the very essences of nature. We are sad for the antelope that is captured by the lion and forget the lion has to survive lest we will feel sadness for its starvation.

What I am trying to say is captured in one of the most famous prayers ever spoken – The Serenity Prayer! Read it and live it. There is only negativity and anxiety in placing worry in things you cannot correct on your own. While this insight is true, it is undeniable that turning away untouched by unfortunate events is difficult. However, unless you have a role in a heartbreaking development, you have no reason to feel guilt or responsibility for it. All you can do is say a prayer for those involved and then accept what you cannot change, pushing the sorrow out of your consciousness. When you do, you will be free to concentrate and improve upon those things near and dear to you, making them better. That’s your way to make the world a better place, by looking past where you have no power and towards where you can do so much good.

You are who you are, and I would never want to change you. I want the best for you because you have so much to give. You can do so much more if not burdened by those unchangeable things that hurt your sweet, loving heart. You can worry all you want and feel bad for others, but it won’t solve one thing. Worry is exhausting - a thief of energy and serenity – and as worthless as that worrisome thought last week, whatever that was?

Worrying about something that may happen in no way eases the pain even if it does happen - and usually, your worries will never come about. Turn on your ‘worry radar’ and shoot down that worry before it gets ahold of you. Do it by thinking what good you can do for yourself, or others you love, in its place. If you try a little each day and remind yourself that you can make the world a better place without worry, you will become a powerhouse among all those you touch and so very pleasant to be around.

Love,
Papa

The Fortunes of Misfortune

4/19/2019

"""…if a seemingly unfortunate aspect of a life has proven to be beneficial overall, then it would appear not to have been a genuine misfortune.” ~ Saul Smilansky

The above quote by Smilansky is probably true. All of us have benefitted from events that seemed, at first, to be unlucky or regrettable. True misfortune is not learning from any unfortunate aspect of your life or giving up when things appear bleak. The strength of misfortune is undeniable. It often works in one of two ways - by making the strong, stronger - or the weak, weaker. Of course, some misfortunes wake up the weak and, negatively, eventually defeat those that were once strong.

One may be surprised by how many failures burdened those who ultimately found success. If interested, here are stories of 48 people who suffered numerous failures before their success. These are the people who become stronger with misfortune, learning from failure. You will never know those who gave up unless you know them personally. They are buried among the multitudes.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin wrote on his Facebook page,

“As a young man I applied to be a Rhodes Scholar twice and was turned down both times. Just think how different my life would have been if I'd been accepted. ‬I'm sure I never would have become an astronaut much less walked on the moon. Sometimes your greatest disappointments or failures lead to your greatest success. So just remember, failure is always an option.”

How do we regard misfortune?

I turned the misfortune of growing up poor into the advantage of getting a 'need-based' academic scholarship to an expensive private university. I could never have afforded the top-notch education I received otherwise. Of course, misfortune is relative. When I say I had the misfortune of growing up poor in a broken home, that’s a relative misfortune. After all, I was born in the United States, not in the mountains of Afghanistan. Then again, those barren mountains in Afghanistan may bring happiness to those who know nothing else. Unlike many areas in the world, I had enough to eat. Never did I live in terror by fear of people who could dominate my life. I had schools to teach me, and I had a roof over my head most of the time. No, I could never claim to be a victim. When I think of victims, I think of the Holocaust or the killing of infant girls in China. No, my misfortune occurred in very fortunate circumstances!

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychology professor, wrote in his book The Evolving Self that most notably successful people (~70%) come from two types of atmospheres. One atmosphere is ‘struggle’ where individuals have a strong desire to escape their circumstance. The other atmosphere from which successful people emerge is from strong and often privileged families where much is expected of each other. Those in comfortable situations where expectations are light do not usually stand out. Their misfortune could be said to be their fortune. It’s clear we must have a purpose or motivation to move forward. It is also clear that those in relative comfort look at their misfortunes through a magnifying glass.

As stated in one of Garth Brooks’ most popular songs, “Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”. But we are rarely aware of those gifts. Sadness or tragedies we have unknowingly avoided are not appreciated. Everyone has had seemingly unfortunate incidents that have ultimately saved them from something worse, never to be celebrated, never to be cherished.

Summary

Misfortune can be deceitful! It is only human to be disappointed with seeming failure or a lousy break. Allow yourself a brief pity party but bounce back with attitude! That attitude should be to look at any misfortune as guidance from God, nature, karma, or whatever, to what is best for you. With that attitude, even if you don’t believe in God, nature, or karma, you will have an advantage to those who wallow in their temporary misfortune. Do your best! Go with the flow! Make lemonade from lemons. Accept what you must and move on, but don’t except quitting, not unless you are honestly no longer interested in a goal.

Now if you live your life with this attitude, your family will notice and learn. That's "The Power of Dadhood"

Try Like Hell, But Don’t Give a Damn!

4/1/2019

Me in my Undergraduate Pilot Training Days.

I did it all wrong! I almost blew the dream I had since I was a little boy. Fighting my way through the multiple schools I attended, dealing with introversion and extreme shyness, I had received a college degree, joined the military, and had been accepted into USAF Undergraduate Pilot Training (UPT). Since I was old enough to imagine, I wanted to fly. No, not like Superman, but like Charles Lindbergh or Chuck Yeager. That dream was the driving force that fought against my doubts of having the chance or ability to be a pilot. But now I had the opportunity I had been fighting for! I was at Laughlin, AFB in Texas with my shiny gold Second Lieutenant bars ready to be trained as an Air Force pilot. I would actually be flying jets!

Perhaps you can understand my enthusiasm and single-minded aspiration if you ever wanted something so desperately. I was on the cusp of a dream I always imagined, but one I never could convince myself would really happen. Now that I was here, it meant everything to me. I gave a damn! I gave a BIG damn, and that would become a problem. The ‘giving too much of a damn’ was complicated with the ever-recurrent doubts about myself. It was my first time away from home, and I was competing with mostly Air Force Academy graduates, young men who had been away from home and in the military atmosphere daily for four years. My lack of confidence was palpable and it fought against my desire.

Now, giving a damn about something would seem to be a characteristic that would be helpful, if not critical. I certainly believe this. However, to allow your passion to become a fear of failure is to cloud what you need to do to achieve it. Giving a damn can covertly defeat your goal by becoming a distraction. I allowed worry to occupy my mind instead of constant, intense, preparation -- not that I didn’t think I was preparing. On reflection, however, I did not ‘try like hell’ to study smartly, using every advantage available and forgetting my competition. I didn’t know what I was doing to myself! How crazy was this?

You cannot concentrate and worry at the same time. You can’t be a good shortstop if you are worrying about making an error. Philosophy of life and living was not a strength of mine back then. Because this is a blog about the importance of fatherhood, I mention that not having my father around contributed to the doubts I had about myself. He could have counseled or mentored me, and maybe I would have approached flight training with a different attitude. If I had been my father, I would have told myself to take care of business then accept the results. That advice is precisely what “try like hell, but don’t give a damn” means.

Of course, you should always give a damn about what you think is important. You do that best by setting a goal and doing what is necessary to achieve it. Once you have dedicated yourself to your best effort, forget about what the results may bring. The result of your best efforts will be what you deserve given your talents and competition. Most every time, this attitude will find success. If it does not, then you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Acceptance of results after doing your very best is not difficult. It may be disappointing but not in the least devastating. Devastation is when you realize you missed out on something very important to you because you didn’t approach it fully armed with all you have. Something that almost happened to me!

I was lucky! After being at the bottom of my class in the first half of UPT (T-37 aircraft), I was in the top third of my class in the second half of UPT (T-38 aircraft). Time and experience helped me, but I still had much to learn about my approach to challenges. Eventually, with more angst than necessary, I got my silver wings, and it remains the very best job I ever had. I actually was paid to do what I would have paid them to do if I had the money.

I know I would have been a better student and pilot had I known what I should have known. And that is this - You can only control what you have control over. When you allow your mind to be cluttered with things you don’t have in your control, then you’ll be placing yourself at a disadvantage. Everyone has influence over the results in their life, but they don’t have control of the results themselves when competition and/or standards exist. Therefore, don’t give a damn about the results, don’t focus on them, just try like hell to influence those results to the best of your ability.

A Dad’s Role

As a father, you can be such a positive influence and indisputable force for your family! If you feed, clothe, and shelter your children, that is only the minimum requirements of fatherhood. Unfortunately, even these minimums are too often not met. But a Dad - an involved and nurturing father - can be the rock that his children need. He can explain concepts like “Try like hell, but don’t give a damn!” to help his children in their approach to the challenges they will certainly and necessarily meet throughout their lives. The Power of Dadhood is not only strong, but it has such powerful leverage! Just the simplest acts of love and nurturing will result in many multiples of wonder and success for the children of real Dads! A smile, a wink, a pat on the back, a suggestion, a correction, even a reprimand are all tools, and the magic wands, of Dadhood!

#family #powerofdadhood

Reasons and Excuses

3/25/2019

A ceiling in the Alcazar in Seville, Spain

I think we all know the difference between an ‘excuse’ and a ‘reason’ even if difficult to convey. Here is my simpleton way of differentiating the two. You do things for a reason. You don’t do things to have an excuse. Not unless you are all messed up.

When you do something for a reason, you have a ‘cause for action’. For example, “I went to the store because we needed bread.” A simple act. The reason is the same before and after the act.

All excuses, however, tend to be past tense even if perceived in advance. “There’s no bread because I was hungry and I ate it all.” He ate the bread for a reason, he was hungry. Still a simple act, but eating it all was a selfish action knowing others wanted bread also. His reason to eat some bread was hunger, but to eat all the bread required an excuse of hunger because he had a choice not to eat it all.

When the result of an action or non-action isn’t perceived the way you wanted it to be, due to your own selfish or non-thinking behavior, the act is not from a reason, but an excuse, because better alternatives existed. Reasons don’t typically need rationalization, excuses always do.

Now I understand this could be debated ad-nauseam, and I bring it up not to be definitive, but to cause reflection. There are reasons people do things, and often they don’t have positive results. That’s understandable! Honest failure exists and is a path to eventual success. When things go wrong due to your own selfish or non-thinking behavior, failure exists and is not a path to success. There are no reasons to plan failure, just excuses (rationalizations) for doing so.

Dysfunctional Families

This discussion leads me to the chaotic youth in which I was raised, never living more than three or four months in any home, born to a mostly absent and alcoholic father, a mother who had to work constantly in low wage jobs, and six siblings who suffered from a lack of guidance and support. The reason these things happened to me and my siblings were the decisions of our parents. There were no reasons for being poor and itinerant from the view of my parents, but there were plenty of excuses.

When brought up in circumstances similar to mine, children react in different ways. That could be seen in my own family. It wasn’t being poor that had a real impact on any of us. Being poor in America isn’t a death sentence; it’s not even all that inconvenient compared to the rest of the world. Anyone who has witnessed the suffering in parts of the Middle East or Central Africa would think our issues were trivial. Being shy and father-deprived is not an issue when you are starving, but it can become so after the basic nutrition problem is solved, even if the food wasn’t always healthy.

Poor should not be an excuse

If an American family can hang together with proper parental care while being poor, the children will be fine, maybe even better off than kids whose parents are rich but not caring or nurturing people. But you don’t see too many poor families with awesome parents. Why that is true is simple. Families are very often poor because one or both parents aren’t remarkable. Bad choices have been made. This is a broad statement not intended to claim all poor families consist of bad parents. Not at all! It’s just that a large percentage of poor families don’t have both parents engaged in good parenting and, possibly, not even living in the home. The poverty rate for married couples in 2016 was only 5.1% - but the poverty rate for single-parent families with no wife present was 13.1%, and for single-parent families with no husband present was 26.6%.

I don’t have many complaints about being poor as a kid. I never starved although I often ate mayonnaise sandwiches lacking any meat. I got an education -- as wackadoodle as it was! The fact my family was poor is because my dad didn’t take care of us even though he was capable of making good money. Yes, being poor made it necessary for us to be itinerant, causing much disruption in our lives. But the blame doesn’t lie with a lack of money since being both poor and itinerant were the result of inept parenting - an irresponsible father and an undereducated mother who was required to work her ass off just to feed us. But that wasn’t an excuse to give up on ourselves – because we had alternatives.

Reasons and Excuses

I make excuses all the time, more than I should. I make them because I had better choices and didn’t take them. And certainly we often use the word reason when we actually mean excuse without trying to be deceitful. Here I am highlighting the decisions and excuses that determine the direction of our lives. Life moves forward with decisions directed by reason and reasons. Life is held back by bad choices and excuses.
The fact my life, and those of my siblings, started with obstacles was beyond our control. But to call that fact a reason to wallow in that lifestyle forever would be inaccurate. It indeed was not a ‘call for action” to be poor. As we grew older and had alternatives, then the burden of our future was on each of us. To not take those positive alternatives and run with them would allow our circumstance to remain as it had always been. From there on, to remain poor or itinerant would only be an excuse.

Summary

We were disadvantaged in our youth - not for a reason, but for excuses. Quitting school is a decision. Not getting help for alcoholism is a decision. Having a baby in your teens is a decision. A father not supporting his family is a decision. When bad decisions are made, and you are poor as a result -- you only have excuses. There are not many real reasons for being poor in America. Most of us escaped our disadvantaged situations with reasons to escape, not excuses to remain.

A Stranger in Spain - Childhood Revisited

3/11/2019

The Mezquite (mosque) in Cordoba, Spain

My wife, Kathy, and I are visiting Spain. Fortunately, Kathy has a cousin who is living and working in southern Spain near the town of El Puerto de Santa Maria, very near where Columbus sailed out of - and into - the ocean blue in 1492 (or so). She kindly met us in Madrid where we caught a train first to Cordoba, a medium sized city with busy streets, and a historic district named the Judeira. The main attraction in Cordoba is the Mezquite (mosque). The Mezquite was built by the Moors, but after they were driven out, the Christians took over this amazing building constructing a gorgeous Christian church within in it. Then, we would be onto Cadiz, Seville, and back to Madrid on our own!

But this is not a travel guide. It’s what I found out about myself and it applies to most of us, but especially children. Annette, Kathy’s cousin is not fluent in Spanish but she can get around quite easily. She directed us from the Madrid airport to the rail station, had already bought our train tickets, and had reservations ready in Cordoba. After settling in, she asked the front desk, in Spanish, places to eat. We choose a restaurant and the menu was in Spanish so she ordered for us. You see where I’m going?

Now, Kathy and I are no strangers to visiting foreign countries on our own. We’ve been to Norway, Italy, and even Barcelona--two days prior to a cruise. We did just fine. Many tourist areas in Europe have plenty of English speaking citizens, which helps. But Annette was doing everything for us…and I let her! It was easier on me and quicker for all of us. But I wasn’t getting my bearings, picking up phrases or interfacing with the local populace. I was dependent on Annette. I acted and felt dependent, and while it was painless, it didn’t feel good. That didn’t stop me from going down the easy road. What’s worse, she wouldn’t be with us our entire trip so I wasn’t preparing to be on my own, neither was Kathy.

I had reverted to childhood and Annette was my pseudo-mother, taking care of Kathy and me. She was just being very helpful. The trouble is that mothers and fathers fall into the trap of being too helpful to their children when they do everything for them. And most children will go right along! (But not my 3 year-old granddaughter! Very independent!). I have two daughters and they have always pushed their kids to do things on their own. For instance, they will tell their 3, 4, and 5 year-old children to order their own meals in a restaurant (waiters and waitresses are usually very patient). They get dressed on their own. They have to pick up after playing (not always enforced if in a play area). This prepares them to be independent and unafraid. The easier the road ahead for a kid, the worse it is for their development. Someday soon, they will have to act on their own, hopefully with confidence and politeness!

My first few days in Spain, I reverted to childhood and I really didn’t like the feeling or results. The same will be true of your children if you don’t build some knowledge and independence in them. Every day is like being a foreigner in Spain when you’re a kid who hasn’t been shown the ropes. Don’t let that happen to your kids.

Summary

Catching a train,
in Spain,
may be in vain,
  if you abstain
from using your brain,
and that would be insane!
And yes, it did rain (a bit).

Also............

Try to forbid,
  doing too much for your kid!

37 Principles I Believe In Enough to Live By

3/4/2019

We all have names, our own look, and a family tree. Someone may recognize you by these attributes, but they will not know the person you really are until they know the principles of life by which you live. In other words, your values. Our beliefs are developed over time as we experience life influenced by family, friends, teachers, mentors and even adversaries.

As a parent or mentor, ‘how you live’ will be the lessons most trusted and believed by your children or followers…not ‘what you say’! That doesn’t suggest you should not say what you believe, just don’t negate your oral teachings by how you act out your life.

Below are the principles I try to live by -- not perfectly by any means. I have violated, at times, 30 or more of these principles. But they are my guiding light and the lessons I would like to pass on to my children, grandchildren, and anyone else who would care to listen.

37 Principles I Choose to Teach and Follow:

A stable, supportive family is the greatest privilege you will ever have.
You create your own privileges by forsaking victimhood of any kind.
Always do what you say you will do!
A goal, trusted advice, persistence, and self-reliance will are your best tools for success.
Your 'worth' is the sum of your tangible and intangible assets.
Never have more debt than you’re worth. (See 6 above).
Never work with people that don’t value you or your mission.
Job satisfaction comes with what you love to do, not what you earn.
Charity’s goal is to help, not to substitute.
Giving is selfless, and selflessness is freeing.
Making the right decisions is aided by having values.
To ensure a young person will not live in poverty, they need to do these three things. (from Brookings Institute)
1. Finish High School
2. Get a job
3. Don’t get pregnant before you get married.
Always attempt to think before responding.
Apologies are like hard work, tough but rewarding.
It’s better that no one knows your achievements than to boast about them (with few exceptions)
Surround yourself with inspirational things and people.
Capture inspiration before it leaves you!
Teach and give your children responsibilities, and hold them to those responsibilities.
Failure is a teacher, and like any teacher, you must pay attention to its lessons to learn.
Bad times are tough, but thankfully tough to recall.
Only when you leave a beaten path will you have a possibility of finding something undiscovered.
Be you! Always be you! That doesn’t mean ‘don’t change’, but change to be a better you. It’s like polishing silverware. A tarnished spoon is still a spoon after you make it shine.
Have gratitude and appreciation: Rain makes me appreciate the sunshine, sunshine makes me appreciate colors, colors make me appreciate the greenery around me, and the greenery around me makes me appreciate the rain.
Respecting other opinions does not mean you have to agree with their opinions.
‘Pace yourself’ doesn’t mean slow down, it means to move forward smartly.
The past is for memories. The future is for hope. Today is for you!
Never box yourself in. Have an open, but critical mind.
If it feels wrong, it most likely is.
A dollar earned is one hundred times more valuable than a dollar handed to you.
Pay attention to kids, but ignore their tantrums.
We’re created equal in the eyes of God, but we must admit we are not equal in all talents or results.
Everyone deserves equal opportunity, but each of us owns our results, good or bad.
When you realize life is cycles of ups and downs, it will keep you even-keeled. (This too shall pass)
Don’t overreact to what you see or hear. Understand life by percentages, not raw numbers. It may help to keep you sane! For example:
1. Typically 100 children are kidnapped by strangers in the US each year. An absolute nightmare for any parent. Each reported incident creates numbing fear!
2. But be reassured, somewhat, that these 100 incidents happened among 61,000,000 children 14 and under over 365 days (2017). A very, very, rare occurrence – 0.000001%). *
There is no better rest than the rest that comes after hard work.
The only one who will know if you have true integrity is YOU. (Doing the right thing without the knowledge of others)
Strive for, but don’t expect, perfection!

A Sleeping Child

2/25/2019

Sleeping grandchildren!

A week ago, my oldest daughter sent me a photo of my middle granddaughter sleeping. I took one look of her perfection in that moment and was challenged to capture the feelings of a parent/grandparent when they look upon their sleeping child. Words fail to express, properly, that moment, that love!

My daughter's photo she sent of my granddaughter Rosie.

A Sleeping Child
by Michael Byron Smith

God bless a sleeping child,
So serene, so alluring.
A parents’ quiet respite,
Renewing passions, so enduring.

The pose of angels.
God’s work of art.
The reward of our burdens,
And the sighs of our hearts.

Observed with adoring eyes,
Their hair somewhat tangled.
Curled fingers to our lips.
Our heads slightly angled.

Misbehaviors are forgotten,
Love is full of grace.
That couldn’t have happened,
So precious is that face.

Grateful for our miracles.
Addicted to our devotion.
Exhaustion recompensed,
With waves of emotion.

The innocence is palpable.
The lips are so sweet.
The blankets disheveled,
Revealing small feet.

The matters that haunt us,
As troubles persist,
Shrink into Neverland,
While this blessed moment exists!

Now revel in this sight,
For you know it won’t last.
Children are ephemeral.
They grow up so fast!

Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

What is Your Purpose?

2/18/2019

This photo was taken by my 3 year old grandson with an IPAD while I was babysitting him and his cousin.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

One of the funniest movies ever made, in my mind, is “The Jerk” starring Steve Martin. The hero, Navin, is a bit naïve not understanding, as a White man, that he was actually adopted by his Black, sharecropper family. The family is poor, and Steve Martin’s character wants to help. He is told by his loving adoptive mother he has a “special purpose” and he wants to find out what it is so he can go out into the world to find a way to send money home. He does so, with many mistakes and comic results, until he finally finds out what his “special purpose” is – and with great joy! At least in the short term.

Steve Martin’s character had it all backward. He took action to find his purpose, and many of us do the same. Now if you don’t have a special purpose in life, then do what the Jerk character did. Take action, and your actions may find a purpose. I actually use this tactic when I write some of my articles. I start writing random thoughts and eventually find a theme. Granted, I have to delete quite a bit of work to clean up my random thoughts, but each word got me to a final product.

It is best, however, to first have a purpose to direct your actions. For instance, a pitcher throws a curve ball with the purpose of getting the batter out. A hitter takes batting practice with the purpose of being able to hit a curveball. Otherwise, why throw a curveball or take batting practice to hit one? While there’s really only one good reason to throw a curveball, there is more than one reason to have sex. If you act similarly to Navin, you may take action first (sex) and then find yourself a parent. That may not have been what your special purpose was intending.

So what is your purpose?

I’m talking about your ultimate purpose. Is it to be respected, to get rich, to be healthy, to be successful, to be influential, to create, to serve, to be happy, something else, or combinations of such? Whatever it is or was, it changes when you have children. Not that you have to give up previous purposes, they just become goals and not your purpose. It doesn’t change anything else you want to do except to give priority to that which needs priority. Your purpose in life, until they are on their own, should be the well-being of your children and family. It’s unbelievably rewarding! Helping others, especially loved ones, to lead successful lives only adds to your own success! When your purpose as a parent is complete, new goals of your choosing will be available. And that’s not so bad. Personally, I’ve had twenty plus years of creating and prioritizing new goals and purposes for each day, week, month, and year since my children have gone on to be responsible for themselves. My new adventures have been enjoyable, but none have been as rewarding.

Summary

When your actions have a purpose, you will react with purpose. When you have priorities, you will choose the right actions for the situation. You will skip poker night when your child is in a play. Your golf game will suffer while you’re coaching baseball. And some decisions are very tough! A promotion at work may require you to be away from home more than you like. What is your purpose? Will the new position help your family in the best possible way overall? Living life with a purpose will get the best out of you, while just living day-by-day is giving your life to the unpredictability of the wind. Steve Martin was lucky to have found his special purpose, but was it really his own, or what he was told it was? Not becoming a parent is an honorable and wise choice if you can’t commit to the role. If you are a parent to young children already, it’s too late for narcissism.

All That Glitters

2/11/2019

www.shorouknews.com

‘All that glitters is not gold’ is an old proverb that means simply because something is attractive or beautiful doesn’t mean that thing is valuable. I think most of us with any life experience know the saying and understand it. But however well we know the concept, we are often duped! I can think of four causes of falling for shiny objects that cannot pass the test of value.

Low intellect or unawareness
Inexperience
Naivety
Dishonesty

The first three are closely related. You could add overly trustful or hopeful, lies of others, youth, exuberance, lack of research, gullibility, etc. But in my mind, most would fall into one of the four categories above. As we educate ourselves, experience more of life and develop a sixth sense, we learn to resist those things that may appear irresistible -- but that takes time, the one thing young people haven't had as yet.

Here are some examples of glitter than indeed failed the luster of real gold (value).

Love interests: In the real “Little Mermaid” story, this young maiden of the sea is willing to give up everything she knows for the two-legged man she loves, only to lose him to someone else. Her trust, naivety, and hope ends up devastating her. She gave up too much to chase a dream that was extremely unlikely.
Smoking was once the glitter that duped millions into the habit, killing many! The Marlboro Man (who died of lung cancer), James Bond who dangled a smoke from his lips in a tux, Audrey Hepburn with her fashionable cigarette holder, and James Dean, the smoking bad boy in “Rebel Without a Cause”, were all shiny objects to adoring fans. Phlegm coughing, out of breath, everyday people, nor cancer and emphysema patients were in advertisements and rarely portrayed in older movies.
Even Cheech and Chong were the glitter that showcased hilarity, good times, and no worries because of their marijuana habit. Young people were sucked in. “That looks like fun”, “I wanna be cool (and fit in)” and, “I think pot is a representation of my rebellion”, I heard friends say and believe, because being cool was essential. Nothing in Cheech or Chong’s movies hinted at the medical advantages it may have. That was not the glitter! If there was gold, it was the fool's gold of escape.
Many were tricked into the promises of Communism, and as a result, 20-30 million people died – you can look it up. “From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs” sounds fair and reasonable until put into practice. Some people naturally work harder than others while being rewarded the same, and when they find that out, they lose incentive and slow down. When that happens everyone starves, except those enforcing the rules.
Playing the lottery may be fun, but it is a sham as the answer to solving all your problems! It suggests extreme wealth is possible with no emphasis on the minuscule chance of winning. No mention of the troubles it causes for many of the one in 100 million who do win, nor is it an accomplishment for which to be proud. I know many who play the lottery for fun. If that’s the case, I’m all for it. But don’t ever think of it as a way out of anything. The only glitter involved is a dream that will very, very, (add a million more ‘very’s) unlikely to ever come true via that shiny carrot.
Smartphones are a current glittering object. One of the most glittering objects of all time! They are so helpful and useful that we cannot deny what they do for us. But we have to step back and ask ourselves when and where we place a limit on our use of them? Texting has taken our voices and intimacy. The incredible camera has made us vain and intrusive. The easy access to social media has made us prisoners of a competition for attention, unreal comparisons to others, virtual addiction to opinions, undue praise and condemnation placed upon us and, lastly, interest in the lives of pop celebrities and ne’er-do-wells who waste valuable moments when we could be learning, relaxing, or visiting and loving those close to us. Not only can glittery objects let us down -- they can hurt us!

Outside of the dishonesty of those who deceive and bring us glittering objects that have little value, it is our fault when we are pulled in without vetting, without some investigative work, without asking for the advice of those who we trust and know more than us. Remember these wise sayings. "Let the buyer beware! Too good to be true! Avoid rabbit holes!"

Helping Our Children

It’s unfortunate that children are the most susceptible to glittering objects. They are naïve, inexperienced, and their comparative ignorance is only natural because they have lived and learned less than their elders. We, as parents, are complicit when our children are deceived. We can be the actual deceivers when we ignore bad behavior, allow back-talk, do not insure homework is done, or allow six to ten hours of screen time a day. It is also a fault of parents that don’t prepare their children for what they may come up against, such as peer pressure, or the temptation of things that are too good to be true. Kids need guidance! They need to be given responsibilities, life lessons, and consequences when bad behavior or decisions have been made. Teach your children to ask questions about every glittery object or idea. Offer your help. Be there to help them find those answers. And most importantly, teach the attitude that the most glittery, backed up by the most valued of all things, tangible or not, are the earned successes they achieve in life!