Helping Fathers Become Dads - MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood

Perfection or Commitment?

7/15/2019

What is more important when working towards a goal, perfection or commitment? We want doctors and airline pilots to be perfect, but they are not. Because they are not, checks and double-checks are continually being put in place. Over time and through the experience of a multitude of errors, the seeming near perfection of doctors and pilots has increased phenomenally. It was their commitment to perfection that got both doctors and airline pilots to a level of trust that people will take the chances necessary to use their services.

What about parents? Does anyone expect a parent to be perfect? I think not, yet when parents make mistakes raising their kids, the responsible parents beat themselves up about it. But the great thing about committed parents is that they will recognize their mistakes - if they are mistakes - and improve how a particular situation may be handled in the future.

The really good news is - your kids don’t need you to be perfect! Even if that were possible, being perfect would bring on issues of its own. People who appear perfect can be annoying! Maybe it’s jealousy, but perfection is tough to live up to. We like to see people fail at times. Not seriously fail, but enough to where we can identify with them. When kids see their parents stumble, they know they can stumble too, assuming the kids also observe their parents attempt to correct whatever was the cause. That corrective action is the commitment we are seeking.

Parents that aren’t committed to raising their children the best way they know how will continue making the same mistakes over and over again. Children can sense this lack of responsibility towards them, and it can have an impact on their view of their parents and of themselves. It’s an important lesson for parents to absorb.

Summary

Perfection in parenting does not exist. We all know this, and therefore, when errors in judgment occur, we either feel bad or assume we can’t do better. What works best is your commitment to parenting, having a desire to learn and correct, doing that over and over again until, like the doctor or airline pilot, your children have a level of trust where they will take the chances necessary to learn from you! Your perceived intentions are often more important than the consequences.

#powerofdadhood

Dads, Seven Things to Consider When Raising Kids

7/1/2019

,I’m a grandfather who, upon retirement, is looking back at fatherhood hoping to help fathers of today. I loved being a dad, but it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I was incentivized by what I had missed as a kid, so I’ve thought about it quite a bit. These are seven things to consider when raising kids.

1.       Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.

Most dads say “I love you” to their kids, but some never do. For those of us that do, it can get to be routine. That’s not to imply you should stop saying it, but there are other ways of saying I love you that pierce right into their hearts! Special moments can arise where just eye contact and a smile will let them know you care. And sometimes we forget a loving touch like hug or pat on the back. And oddly enough, disciplining can also show love because you are molding them, helping them to be their best.

2.       Don’t treat all your kids the same.

Have you heard of the “average” kid? Well, he/she does not exist! The average kid is a statistic. Of course, you will find common traits in kids such as being, shy, active, loud, picky, anxious, careless; it goes on and on. You can’t treat kids the same. Your interactions should be tailored to their needs because every kid is different socially, regarding behavior, intellectually, etc. Yes, all children should all be treated fairly, but it would not be fair to treat them all the same!

3.       Your children want to be disciplined.

You kids will fight you and challenge you at every turn--until they know the routine. If you are consistent, they will know arguing is useless, and they won’t do it after a while. As they get older, there will be rules they don’t care for, and they will try to talk you out of them. “You must be home by 11 PM,” you say. “But dad, my friends can stay out until midnight!” Sometimes you can and should give in, but if you have hard and fast, but reasonable rules, then stick to them. The rules tell them you care enough about them that you want them to grow safely into responsible adults. Their ego will be angry, but their true self will love you!

4.       You are not your wife.

You are a dad, a man. You are not their mother, a woman. You are different and teach different things in different ways. Of course, parents must discuss discipline and values, compromise if necessary, and be on the same page on essential factors. But do things with your kids that their mom wouldn’t do. Have unique, personal routines with your kids. Be yourself. If one parent lets misbehavior slide, then the other parent may need to be more responsible. When these styles balance within the family, it works much better than both being easy going--or both being tough all the time. But never work against each other as parents!

5.      Children will watch what you do more than what you say.

Your kids are very observant. They pick up your habits very quickly - the way you talk, the way you treat people, the way you treat your wife. Most importantly, they will notice if you keep your word. If your words match your actions, then you are reinforcing their belief in you. When you do, they will learn that words have meaning. When you back up what you say, then they will know to listen!

6.       Don’t ever involve your children in your marital issues.

No matter how old, never complain to your kids about their mom. They may know about what you’re unhappy about, but they don’t want to hear it from you. Why upset your children about something in which they have no say or have no fault? When you complain to them, you are the one that doesn’t look good in their eyes.

7.       Pay special attention. Seemingly everyday moments can bring such joy - now and in the future.

I have memory gaps involving each of my children. Some periods of their lives are difficult to recall. You, yourself, may not remember your son playing violin one year, or that your daughter was in a school play. Your children’s first days of school, the names of their best friends, their smiles on Christmas morning are all precious times and facts that deserve remembering. Although we shouldn’t live in the past, we also shouldn’t be without a story. The stories of the family will warm you when you are in your last days. A lost memory of a special moment is worse than almost any object lost. Therefore, take photos, tell stories of the past to keep them alive, don’t miss special occasions, and when you do things with your kids be there all the way, in mind and spirit. Not doing this will result in forgetting certain moments which would have smiles to your lips and warmed your heart.

Summary

These are things I learned as a dad. I failed at times on all of them as you will likely do as well. But if we keep these thoughts in mind, our failures will be minimized, and our roles as fathers will be of great value to the growth and success of our children!

Never Say This! – Well, Maybe?

6/24/2019

Photo by the author.

When you are a parent, everyone has advice for you. I’m guilty as one of those who think they have some ideas on the matter of parenting, especially for fathers. You see them in my book of fatherhood and within this blog every week. I do know this; my heart is in the right place as are most of those who want the best for all children and families. My best advice on advice is to consider it, but don’t think you are wrong if you ignore it. We all have different circumstances, unique children, and personalities.

Along this line, I ran across a REDBOOK article entitled,”60 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Kids” I found some of these things you aren’t supposed to say interesting, at a minimum. Of course, many things you shouldn’t say to your children are no doubt correct. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” “You’re just like your mother/father!” or “You’re fat!” are just a few examples. Other things you aren’t supposed to say I find curious, like “My house, my rules.” I believe saying that can certainly be appropriate for an older child.

Some things you are not supposed to say can become a difficult proposition in certain situations - unless you are a godly parent - and few of us are. I think it a good idea to review these ‘60 Things’ and make your own decision as to how they may apply to you as a parent. Indeed, if you sometimes violate a few of these rules of communication with your children, this does not mean you are a failure by any means. I have said quite a few of these “unsayables”, but my children have not turned their back on me and thrive as adults.

We are in a period of snowflake mentality, that is, some suggest we should not test the mental vulnerability of children. In general, I agree. But should we not direct, correct, and guide our children the way we think best? If you can do that successfully by coddling, then more power to you. If you believe being tougher is more effective, do so without anger and impatience. There is a delicate balance, I think, between adhering closely to these ‘60 things you should never-ever say’ and being a parent in charge in a caring but unmistakable way. Only you can choose.

Take in and evaluate all the parenting knowledge you can handle and do the best you can! None of us are perfect!

Father’s Day is Over, but Fathering Never Ends!

6/16/2019

I hope everyone had a wonderful Father’s Day! Sometimes it’s difficult to share time with everyone. There are dads, stepdads, granddads, fathers-in-law, sons, etc. all deserving of time. Certainly most fathers deserve time being thanked for all the loving, teaching, protecting, and sacrificing required of a good father.

I believe fatherhood has come a long way in the last few decades! Fathers now spend triple the time with their children as they did in the 1960s. Dads have taken on new roles and become more involved in parenting than ever before. What we see is that men who were always good fathers of the past had different standards to go by. ‘Bringing home the bacon’ and being chief disciplinarian has been replaced with shared parenting and sharing ‘the bringing home of bacon’. The measures are different now. It doesn’t imply fathers in the mid-1960s or earlier were terrible men.

It’s good that men spend more time with their children these days because mothers spend less time with them. One reason is an economic reality. Another reason is allowing women, without casting aspersions on them, to enjoy careers and other interests. Shared parenting is the best parenting!

The Problem That Grows

What is still a problem with fatherhood today are those fathers who abandon their duty or spend little time on the loving, teaching, protecting, and sacrificing that is required of them. This problem has exploded since the 1960s, particularly in the Black community.

"More than half of all black children live in single-parent households, a number that has doubled — doubled — since we were children." President Obama in 2008

But it is not only a problem in the Black community! Open up this link for detailed info on fatherlessness! You may be surprised.

Summary

Fatherhood, when performed with love and nurturing, is better than ever! Unfortunately, families that are absent a father in the home are growing. It is no secret that this fact is having an appalling impact on our communities! Resolutions to crime, poverty, drugs, babies having babies, seem to avoid the fundamental issue of fatherless homes. Instead, there are solutions to hire more police, institute job programs, create more rehab facilities, and provide free condoms. Those ideas are emergency room resolutions. Preventive medicine, addressing fatherlessness, is not being done enough! The following information could not be more explicit regarding the issue of fatherlessness. Helping fathers to be dads today will require less help aiding their children to be great parents in future generations.

Click here if you missed it! Impacts of fatherless homes!

Yes, Father’s Day is over, but fathering never ends. For some unfortunate children, it never started!

#powerofdadhood

The Fourth Annual Dad's Self-Evaluation Checklist!

6/10/2019

Appendix B "The Power of Dadhood"

This is the fourth year after my fatherhood book was published. Each year around Father’s Day, I make my “Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist” (in Appendix B of my book) available for any man who would take advantage of it. My original title was 'Self-Inspection', but it really is a 'Self-Evaluation'. There are many ways to use this checklist, but the essential aspect of it is to make you think, in detail, about your role and performance as a dad.

There are those of you who have seen this checklist before and can compare how you might have changed as a father, hopefully for the better. Others will see it for the first time and will be able to see their strengths, and maybe their weaknesses, as a dad. A weakness revealed is a weakness that can be conquered. Lastly, there will be men and women who can reflect back to their own fathers and the type of dads they were/are. Many of you will revel in your luck at having a father who cared for you and prepared you for adulthood. But a few will come to see what they may have missed in their fathers, assuming they were involved at all. It could answer some questions about yourself.

I caution that this checklist is not meant to finger-point! “Oh, you did, or didn’t do that!” No, it is a self-evaluation to assure you or to help you as the situation would warrant. Perfection is not expected or possible, just used as a target. Your answers are your own and as private as you wish. Consider each category, each question, and decide to change or continue fathering as you have in the past .

The intention of going through an evaluation like this is threefold: 1) to be a better father, 2) to have a well-adjusted family, 3) to do your incremental part in creating a better society through healthy families!

Thank You and the best of luck!
Mike

A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist (Appendix B: "The Power of Dadhood")

Are you there for them, not just around?

Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
Do you make time to focus on your kids?
Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW that you care for them?
On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention?
Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?
Do you really listen to them?
Do you have fun together?

Do you help your children face their fears?

Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?
Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?
Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?
Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?
Can you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

Does your family work together and support each other?

Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?
Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?
Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my blog or book on fatherhood.
Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?
Do you know your children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?
Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?
Are you careful to not favor one child over another?
Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?
Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule etc.?

Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well?

Do you avoid abusing your power as a father, using influence instead of force?
Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?
Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, love?
Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?
Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys or other men?

Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.
Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?
Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt them for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!
Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing gets hurt?
Do you teach, or exemplify to your kids, kindness, values, discipline, or manners?
Do you praise good behavior while redirecting/correcting inappropriate behavior?
Do you help them to make responsible choices?
Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is NOT a mistake?
Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what is wrong to do?
Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?
Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and to be responsible for their actions?
Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?
Do your children know how to set and meet goals?
Do you emphasize and support education?

Summary

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect, and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

Every topic in this checklist is explained, discussed, or answered in my book, “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

24 Thoughts on Fatherhood

6/8/2019

A few thoughts from “The Power of Dadhood – How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”.
Some things to consider and think about as an involved father - a real Dad!
Remember, you are the first and only true superhero to your child. This book is your superhero manual!

1. No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own.

2. Fathers enable joy to their children through their support and protection.

3. Start fathering with your child’s first breath.

4. Fathers are examples of masculinity to their sons. They watch you like a hawk!

5. A father is the first man in his daughter’s life. She will believe what you tell her whether complimentary or degrading. Make yourself a standard for your daughter to judge the other men in her life.

6. Fathers teach by their actions, and they should always be aware of that fact.

7. A dad needs to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.

8. A better society starts with dads being involved. This act will reduce crime, poverty, mental illness, teen births, and so much more!

9. Only a father can love his children as deeply as their mother does.

10. Only a father can make you embarrassed and proud at the same time.

11. Children learn differently and they learn different things from their dads. That is very important!

12. There is nothing wrong with a man who decides he doesn’t want to be a father. But take proper precautions not to become one.

13. In a society where few fathers engage with their children, the following issues explode:

Child abuse
Education issues
Poverty
Crime
Emotional and behavioral issues
Inappropriate sexual activity involving minors

14. Society cannot replace good parenting.

15. A good father teaches his child how to deal with peer pressure, both good and bad.

16. A good father teaches his children how not to be a victims and supports good attitudes.

17. There are many obstacles to being a good father (time, fear, everyday life, personality, etc.). However, when an obstacle involves your child, you must overcome it.

18. The most important thing to do as a father? Be there! In mind and spirit.

19. Being a father does not mean giving up on your interests. It does not require 24/7 of your life.

20. Really listen to your children! Observe. Be aware. React when necessary but give them room to figure things out on their own.

21. Be as consistent and reliable as the sunrise. The first rule of trust and respect.

22. Fathers encourage. They encourage self-reliance, imagination, integrity, ethical behavior, education, etc.

23. Before you help your child with any task, ask yourself this question, “Will my help make them stronger or weaker?”

24. There are seven characteristics of a successful father. Accomplishing them will bestow upon you the most honored of all titles...“Dad”!

Be Involved
Be Principled
Be Consistent
Be Loving
Be Fun
Be Balanced (in all the above)
Be Passionate (in your Dadhood)

Note: Are you the best dad you could be? Appendix B of my book will help you determine how you can be even better. Take the challenge - I expect you'll find you're an even better dad than you thought you might be!

Love or Money?

6/3/2019

In my book on fatherhood, I discuss how easy it is to be a good father - even with the continuous challenges that come with the role. But challenges don't come between you and success as a parent, lack of caring will. If you care, you will try, and that is everything! Some men lose their families simply because they don't care. They don't care enough to learn, they don't care enough to put forth the necessary effort, or they don't have the strength to fight through adversity.

There are other men who have lost their families and fight very hard to get them back. It could have been a mistake on their part that caused this to happen. Or maybe the mother of his children who, for reasons that are varied, or unfair, or unknown, choose to keep him away. And the laws of the land help the mothers to do just that. Often unfairly. No matter the circumstance, when children lose the care of their father through divorce, it's not the lost love, caring, or mentoring that is demanded for the children, it's money!

The following is an excerpt from, "The Power of Dadhood - How to Become the Father Your Child Needs". In this passage, I discuss love versus money. If we agree we have too many families led by the mother alone, then not only is getting financial help important, but so too is getting emotional support for the children from the father that still cares deeply for them.

Love or Money?

It is a social rarity in America to excuse an absent father from meeting his financial responsibilities. What is sadly accepted is excusing him from his fatherly responsibilities. As stated by Blankenhorn in Fatherless America: “In our cultural model of the Deadbeat Dad, the core issue is money absence, not father absence.” Discussion of the absence of a father always seems to center on the need for income—child support. While income is important, the lack of a male role model and the lack of a real, involved Dad—truly supporting the child—is the real problem. Those of us who are worried about a fatherless America (and I wish there were more of us) realize that the best way to get men to support their children is to help these men become better fathers. It is easier to become a deadbeat dad when:

you think of sex but not the consequences
you haven’t had the mentoring many young men need to be a nurturing father
you are confused and afraid
the mother doesn’t want you around
you have little or no money
you feel you have no control over the child or the money you send
you are looked down upon—described as a terrible partner or parent—when the facts of the matter may prove differently

While the hurdles can be daunting, you can overcome them if you want to. But before that happens, you have total control over becoming a father, or becoming a father again. If you have any doubts or questions about ever being a father or even having more children, read the next chapter, “To Be or Not to Be.” Otherwise, you can skip it and move on to understanding the negative social impacts that can arise with fatherless children, which you can help minimize by being a good Dad.

How to be Stupid!

5/27/2019

We all know stupid people, have seen stupid acts and done stupid things ourselves. However, some people have a knack for stupid. Maybe there is a reason, which I will get to later. Pointing out some of these stupidities to those we love or mentor may be helpful to their success. We all remember our parents saying, “If (Joe or Judy) jumped off a bridge, would you?” That was how they taught us NOT to be stupid. But it lacked panache. Teaching the right things to do or say doesn’t have the visual impacts or humor of ‘how to be stupid’. Let’s show them how to be stupid and hope our children ignore us as they are want to do.

The Trifecta of ‘How to Be Stupid’

The first step in really being stupid is to quit school before graduation or before you have a real skill. It’s not just what you won’t learn, it’s what it says about you, and the interpretations of others have about you - that you’re a quitter or think you’re too smart for school. You may get a job that earns well, but the odds are highly against it.
Speaking of jobs, not getting one is beyond stupid. If you are of sound body and mind, which is doubtful if you quit school, then you can still find a job. Sure, it may not come with a car and an expense account, but not only will you make some money, but you will also have pride and self-worth. Doing a job well with pride, no matter what it is, brings you respect. If you are the best burger-flipper in town, you will be more respected than a lousy insurance agent.
If you really want to be stupid, give birth to or father a baby in your teens. So many aspects of this will go against you. First of all, if you are a girl, the father may disappear or be irresponsible. This possibility shouldn’t be a surprise. Secondly, the freedom you have been waiting for all your young life will be gone! Thirdly, you are highly apt to be poor, really poor, especially if you quit school and don’t have a job. The statistics are overwhelming.

So what are the best ways to avoid falling into poverty?

Given the ‘trifecta of stupidity’ scenario above, the Brookings Institution has spent a great deal of effort studying this issue. Brookings whittled down a lot of analysis into three simple rules. You can avoid poverty by:

1. Graduating from high school.

2. Waiting to get married until after 21 and do not have children till after being married.

3. Having a full-time job.

If you do all those three things, your chance of falling into poverty is just 2 percent. Meanwhile, you’ll have a 74 percent chance of being in the middle class. These rules apply to all races and ethnic groups. Breaking these rules is becoming more commonplace, unfortunately, for all racial groups. By contrast, young adults who violated all three norms - dropped out, got married before 21 and had children out of wedlock and didn’t have a full-time job - had a 76 percent chance of winding up in poverty and a 7 percent chance of winding up in the middle class.

Not Thinking of the Possibilities/Consequences

I admit to not being a big fan of tattoos, just a personal opinion. I think we all look better without them, au naturel. But I understand the appeal of some to be individualistic - we have that right. The name of someone you love or have loved forever can be endearing. A small butterfly, flower, initials or other adornment is often sweet and harmless. But getting a controversial tattoo without thinking ahead is a giant leap towards being stupid.

Let’s say you want to be a real estate agent, a hand-sized tattoo of the devil on your neck may not be a good idea. If you are going to join the military, they frown on tattoos of swastikas or skulls on your forehead. I once saw a young girl with a tattoo about five inches tall of Mr. Peanut on her calf. She must have really liked peanuts! Another girl prominently displayed Tweety Bird. Tweety is cute, but what are you saying about yourself? Weddings, where the bride has a skeleton tattoo on her back shoulder above her wedding dress, do have their place in some weddings. The tattoo I saw of Patrick Swayze as half-man, half-horse, in a pink and purple motif, was a particular favorite of mind. Centaurs may have been all the rage when this lady chose her tattoo. Maybe it wasn’t stupid….then! Again, if you have an ugly, rated X, Taco Bell, scary, or cartoon tattoo, and don’t care how it may impact your future life or possible changing values, then go for it.

I live in Missouri, where they have helmet laws for motorcycles. Whenever I go into Illinois, where there is no helmet law, I rarely a helmet on anyone. Now I’m not big on the government telling us what we can do to ourselves, so I prefer not having a helmet law. But if stupid had a trophy, it would be biker’s noggin cracked open like an egg. Now I understand it is cool not to wear a helmet, both literally and figuratively. But it’s not cool to drool in a wheelchair in a nursing home, or die! Oh, and for you bikers out there who don’t like helmets while riding, I don’t actually live in Missouri. I live in Australia!

Some things become more stupid as you age. If teenage boys are “burning rubber” on their cars, it’s kind of stupid, but it is also fun (if done safely in non-populated areas). It is what we do growing up. Now if you’re 40 or 50 and you’re burning rubber, that’s stupid. You just wasted 5000 miles of wear on those tires. Grow up!

Smoking is stupid if you’ve never smoked before! Smokers smoke because they are hooked and enjoy it. If you’ve never smoked, you are not hooked. It is expensive and dangerous to your health, so why set yourself up to be slaves to tobacco? I see more young teen girls smoke than teen boys. One of the few examples on the plus side for girls being more stupid than boys.

Now it’s safe to say that boys are stupider than girls in general. But when girls do stupid things, it can be even more dangerous. Girls drinking at parties is even stupider than boys drinking at parties, if possible. Dressing to be attractive is good. Dressing in a slutty or suggestive fashion is pretty stupid for a girl to do. And don’t twerk. Why? Because guys are so much stupider! They think you are flashing a green-light for their pleasure. And boys do very stupid things for pleasure! Girls are stupid if they don’t know this.

Other Ways to be Stupid

Not checking for toilet paper before you go into a stall
Thinking your kids won’t be stupid
Not keeping your word
Sending money for any reason to Nigeria
Resisting arrest, even if you are innocent
Not listening to those that know what they are talking about
Letting kids have free, unsupervised access to the Internet
Not saving a percentage of your income
Texting on a smartphone while driving
Not paying off a credit card each month
Buying things you don’t need with money you don’t have.
Doing X-game activities when you’re not X-game talented

Some things are more stupid than others!

I know I guy who, when he was a teenager, was drinking with a few friends. They got drunk and decided to have a bar-b-que. The trouble was they had no meat and likely spent their money on beer, etc. They decided to drive drunk to the country and find a cow they could butcher. Amazingly, without killing themselves or someone else on the way, they found a lonesome cow in a field. One of these yahoos climbed over the fence, knife in hand, to kill this poor animal. He stalked slowly and unsteadily towards this cow and just as he reached this innocent bovine, the hungry drunk thrust the knife into its hind quarter! With the reflexes of a Kung Fu artist, the cow kicked knife-wielding predator in a place where the pain was so severe, he threw up and became instantly sober! No bar-be-que that night.

No, this was not me! but I have done stupid things like everyone. I have driven while drinking, stood on a porch swing only to fall hard on concrete, and I once played “You Light Up My Life” on a Juke Box.

Can you fix stupid?

Some say you can’t fix stupid. But maybe you can. Stupid has a recipe. One part show-off, two parts needing attention, two parts lacking a mentor, one part of lacking realism, one part of gullibility, one part over-confidence, two parts arrogance, all exacerbated by a dash of liquor, a pint of anger, or a shot of revenge. The young man who stabbed the cow would not have done so without this recipe. He did not have a present father, who abandoned him, nor a present mother, whose absence was created by a need to work endless hours to feed her many children. His act of stupidity was preventable.

Let’s change the recipe with proper attention, mentoring, education, acceptance, and supervision. Let’s face it. Much of stupidity is preventable. It will never be wiped out, and each of us will have our share. But children and young adults taught a proper recipe for living a good life will minimize stupid acts, becoming more successful and perhaps saving their lives! That proper recipe involves some critical ingredients, like people who care enough to sacrifice for them. Usually and ideally, those people are an intelligent and caring mother and father working together.

Summary

Stupidity will always be with us! However, individual acts of stupidity are very preventable. They are preventable with good parents and good mentors teaching young people the proper recipe to improve their chances for success using reasoning, values, and foresight. Very few of us are adequately self-taught in these areas. The pressures of society, especially uncivil society, are too significant to overcome alone.

#powerofdadhood

Learning to be Grateful

5/20/2019

I don’t think most of us realize just how fortunate we are. Certainly, this is true in the big picture. Realizing our fortunes would cause us to be more grateful, and I find that grateful people are happy people. However, to become more grateful takes a bit of reflection and less self-absorption. After all, we quickly adjust to our conveniences.

Is there anyone reading this that hasn’t slept in a warm bed, been awaken by the alarm on your smart-phone - which has almost any fact, type of entertainment, or directions to anywhere? You have refrigerated food that can be cooked or warmed in no time in your microwave. You may head off to work in your car or find public transportation available. Surprisingly, everything works. Highways, utilities, law enforcement, you name it, have occasional issues but overwhelmingly are dependable.
We live longer and healthier than at any time in history. My infant sister died of an esophageal issue in 1953, but my neighbor’s son thrives today, having had the same issue as a baby in 1980. Various diseases have vaccines. Infant and toddler deaths used to be common, now they are a tragic but comparative rarity, especially in the US. We have more free time and unlimited choices in food and entertainment. Crime has decreased dramatically - although we don’t realize it because we hear about everything bad that happens instantly. According to the document, named "The State of Food Insecurity in the World 2015" (SOFI), in developing regions, the proportion of undernourished people has almost halved since 1990, decreasing from 23.3% of the population to 12.9%.

All these good trends do not mean there is no sadness in the world. The pain of a loved one being hurt or dying will never cease. Misfortune still happens, and life is not fair. But that is not the point here. Outside of individual circumstances, our collective lives are blessed with advantages never known for thousands of years and up to less than 200 years ago, and in some examples, less than 20 years ago.

So What is the Point?

As I mentioned earlier, we adjust to our conveniences and become ungrateful. Caves were once valued and battled over as the height of shelter. Wouldn’t the cavemen have loved a canvas tent or a log home? Few of us would want to live in a tent these days. These seem to be extreme examples only because of our current standards. But there’s something to be gained by recalling the past and our current fortunes because doing so will ease some of the sorrows or injustices we may feel today putting them in a new perspective. As an example, a young girl living in rural China in 1900 would not spend one moment of sadness for anyone not making the Cheerleading Squad at school. Understanding our times are different, it’s okay to be down for a day if that was you, but move on quickly! Your son may have diabetes, but it can be controlled, giving him a full life, whereas he could have died young in the past.

My family was poor to the point of homelessness at times, but I never recall being hungry, and my education was free, allowing me to move out of that situation. One of my sisters had a baby at seventeen years old and was divorced soon after. She struggled for a while but earned a college degree in her forties because she lived in a society that had a path out if taken, unlike being trapped in a specific class like most societies in the old world and even some countries today.

Summary

Yes, every generation has the story they tell their children of how they walked three miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways. We all had it worse than the generation that followed us. And just like we did, our children laugh at our self-pity. But there is value in children learning and knowing History. That value is gratefulness! Let them read “A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich” by Solzhenitsyn. The story is from not so long ago, and it puts some perspective on how some people have been forced to live their lives. Many other novels or history books will tell these true stories. They will be much more useful and effective than our sad stories of how tough life was before smart-phones and Netflix!

Teach your children to:

Welcome challenges, for they make you grow! Know history, for it gives you perspective. Be grateful, for it removes boorishness!

What Makes a Good Mom?

5/11/2019

My Mom and me.

I’m a huge fan of moms everywhere! Moms come in all shapes, sizes, temperaments, social and religious backgrounds. They are young and old; some have careers and many stay-at-home. Moms are tough and softies; they have smiles that comfort you and glares that frighten you. When any of their children are threatened moms become super-heroes with powers rarely seen. Their loyalty is unquestioned, and their ability to multitask is simply incredible! Moms are simply God’s gift to humanity.

As a dad and someone who encourages men to be caring parents, emphasizing fathers importance to the welfare of their children and families, there is no doubt moms are the champions of child welfare. We Dads have our role, a crucial role, but few of us would want to be a single parent and provide what mothers provide to our children.

But what makes is a good mom? Only the children she raised can answer that question because the challenges of mothering vary in every instance. One mom can be considered a good parent because she bakes brownies, belongs to the PTO, has dinner on the table every night, and reads to her children. But is she a bad mom if she doesn’t do one or all of these things? I think not. Good moms sacrifice and sacrifices differ. The model mom I described above is doing good things, things that, in my opinion, I wish every mom could do. But these acts are not necessarily the end-all of ‘good’ mothering and may not even be much of a sacrifice given her ability to do it.

Some mothers have to work, manage without a decent or present parenting partner, or both! They may not have the time available to have dinner on the table every night or to read bedtime stories. Some children are more difficult to raise because of illnesses or disabilities, physical or mental. Moms themselves have different strengths and weaknesses. Any seeming lack of parenting skill or talent is apt to be misunderstood without insight into the challenges that exist. What may be easy for one mom may be very difficult for another mom for any number of reasons.

The message here is never to judge a mother by your standards unless those standards are sacrifice and love. I doubt you will find many mothers who lack those two characteristics. But even love and sacrifice are not easily compared. I know my mother was not the kind of mom that fit the popular mold of motherhood. But she certainly loved and sacrificed for her children, maybe more than most! She raised six children without any help or money from my father. She worked many hours in menial jobs to feed us. We had fried chicken dinners on occasion, but often it had to be potted meat sandwiches, a can of soup, or corn flakes.

My wife, Kathy, is without question a good mom, but more traditionally. She more closely fits the image most have of a caring mother being very hands-on, loving, and giving one-on-one time tailored to each child’s idiosyncrasies! My mother was different. She did not have the luxury of tending to each of her children’s different strengths or weaknesses. Survival comes before the nuances of personality. To some outside our home, my mother was not a good mom. It was so evident if one looked at our clothes, our wild behavior, and her frequent absence. She could not meet us at the door when we came home from school. Trips to the zoo, park, or movie were never possible. But she worked hard to feed and raise us without looking for society to do her job.

Those people who would judge my Mom didn’t know the sacrifices she had to make. She had dreams that went unrealized. My mom loved to dance, but never danced. She wanted to look nice but had to wait to get her teeth fixed because rent money took most of what she had. Her children often got into trouble and didn’t do their homework, but she scolded us the best way she knew without the time to read parenting books or pay for counseling. However, to every one of my siblings and me, our mother is revered and loved as much as any mother in the world. We have had struggles and successes like every other brood and better than some who had stay-at-home or any other traditional mom. She didn’t meet the ideal aspects many think of when you think of a good mom. But my mom was a good mom. I love her so much! Happy Mother’s Day!