Category: Parenting

My Favorite Game this Weekend Was NOT the Super Bowl

2/4/2019

It’s about two hours before the Super Bowl as I start writing. It will likely have started when I’m still writing. Now how do I know it isn’t my favorite game this weekend before it even begins? For one thing, I will watch little, if any, of it. Although my favorite sport is baseball, I do love the game of football. But as a guy who is from a town that has lost two NFL teams, I’m taking a time-out. The true reason it won’t be my favorite is that I already saw a game that means so much more to me on Saturday morning at the YMCA. It has to do with diversity and having a chance…but not in the ways you may be thinking.

My six-year-old grandson is on a basketball team with a bunch of his buddies. I’ve practically watched these kids grow up from the sidelines in this and other sports. I must say, they are a great bunch of boys. If there were one bad kid on the team, he would stand out -- and none do. It’s a friendly family affair! Moms, Dads, many grandparents, siblings, all come to cheer, talk, and play on the sidelines during the game. It’s indeed a remarkable scene in a real Americana setting.

This Super Bowl weekend they played a team that captured my heart. At first sight, they looked spirited but supremely beatable. Before it started, I was hoping this would be a fair game, not that our team could be confused with the Celtics, but I’ll explain. While our kids are all about the same size, and while we have two or three excellent players, they are close in talent for their age. The other team, however, was “Team Diversity”. Not the diversity regarding the various backgrounds of the players, but on the team’s purposeful goal of letting everyone have a chance, regardless of size, experience, or ability. Our team has the exact same goal, they’re just not as diverse! While we have a few mediocre players (at least now in their development), everyone plays an equal amount.

Let me point out that diversity can be applied in many ways. The diversity of these two teams was the range in talent. Here’s what I mean. If the best player on my grandson’s team was an 8 on a scale of ‘10’, then the worst player may be a ‘4’ (a spread of 8 to 4 and a small range). But on Team Diversity, they had two players who were ‘10’s, one who was a ‘6’, three who were ‘3‘s, and two who were ‘1’s (a spread of 10 to 1 and a big range).

It appeared to be the first year of basketball for most on Team Diversity, except the best three. One boy was about 2 ft. 6.in. And another had Down’s syndrome. At first, the only coach I saw was a middle-aged lady of possibly Indian heritage. I admired her so much! She may have never played basketball, but she coached those kids well until an older man later took over the duties.

I shouldn’t have worried. While everyone on Team Diversity played a fair amount, they played a great game! Standard ‘traveling’ calls being nonexistent, fouls (what fouls?), and out-of-bounds being outside of the YMCA itself, it was a wild game. But it was more than competitive. If they had kept score, we would have lost! Their two superstar ‘10’s did all the damage, occasionally letting their teammates have the ball to run around in a joyous circle or two, proud to have handled (held) the ball. And the 2 ft. 6 in. Guard just may be a star someday!

What was also great, our boys could not care less whether they were guarding one of the other team’s stars, the short guy, or the boy with Down’s syndrome. They did their assignments with vigor and spirit, giving each player on the other team their due regard!

Down the line as they grow older, the boys on both teams will separate on to other teams based on ability and desire, some not playing at all. That’s how it is and will be. But not at this time and at this age! Everyone gets a chance! Some kids start slow, some fast, some get better and better, and others do not. But every kid should find this out on their own, using the talents they have, the interests they gravitate to, and with the help of those who give them their chances in sports, school, or any creative endeavor!

It was a SUPER game!

1 Comment

The Power of Self-Responsibility!

1/28/2019

0 Comments

This little one wants to do things herself!

"God helps those who help themselves"
~ Benjamin Franklin

My goal in life is good health, to be free of anxiety, to help others when possible, and not have to depend on anyone. That’s also what I want for my children. Granted, we don’t have control in all of these things, but we do have a say. I find that we don’t always take advantage of our ‘say’ in these matters. I have placed myself in situations where my health is ignored, where anxiety is a bi-product of a choice I made, where I pass on chances to help, and dependency is the only way out of a predicament. So do you!

Nevertheless, we should strive to do our human best to help ourselves despite the fact we will often fail in our efforts. But failing at improvement is like failing to reach the top of Mt. Everest. Even if you don’t reach the peak, you have demonstrated a willingness to plan ahead, to look risk in the face, and to ignore some present suffering to achieve a higher goal – all tools of future success!

Most of those I know would not express their thoughts of me as a ‘hard-ass’, at least I hope so. However, a few friends and family have criticized me for my views on self-responsibility by declaring some people are more helpless than others. While true, I’m a hardliner on pushing accountability to the degree possible for each of us. I’m a hard-ass on myself as much as anyone. Almost every disadvantage ever placed upon me involved terrible decisions as a factor, whether those decisions were my own or those who were responsible for raising and/or influencing me. These acts were rarely, if ever, intentional -- just a lack of foresight or inability to take charge. I rarely fault myself for bad outcomes as much as I do for a lack of planning or for not considering all possible outcomes.

Passing down questionable life choices

Without getting into detail, I was raised in a very dysfunctional home where daily life was chaotic. No stability, no feelings of comfort or safety, a lack of money, and life lessons that were reactive instead of proactive. Why? Much had to do with the choices of, not only myself and those directly influential in my life, but also those before them -- and those before them. For example, my paternal grandfather owned a bar and, in tragic irony, was an alcoholic. His wife, while kindly, was not an ideal mother in any sense of the term. Together they had six boys and one girl in a highly dysfunctional home – their lives revolving around the running of a tavern and all that comes with that. My father, the third oldest, being lost in the crowd and without much supervision, left home at 11 years of age learning the life of a vagabond and becoming an alcoholic like his father. While still a teen, he decided to see the world joining the Merchant Marines and sailed the seas, disappearing often and rarely sharing his pay with his family.

My mother’s parents were sharecropping farmers in southeast Missouri. My grandmother had a hard life! Her mother died eight days after her birth, and her father shipped her off to live with another family in the aftermath. She was forever unhappy -- even in her later years. My maternal grandfather, her husband, was a very strict, stoic, and religious man, kind but never displaying much love towards his wife or daughter. He was a very hands-off father busy with his farming and religion. My grandparents divorced when my mother was thirteen, and she didn’t see her father for four years. The effect this life had on my mom was predictable -- a young girl who wanted adventure, the attention of a male figure, to be told she was pretty, and deserving of love. Although a good student, she quit school at sixteen years of age thinking she was ready to be an adult.

My nomad father had a thing for redheads and met my fifteen-year-old redheaded mother, nine years his junior, while home between sea duty. When sober, he had a very charming side to him and gave my mother the attention she craved. Although put off by the age difference, my mother enjoyed the attention of an older, interesting, man of the world. Well, it was quite inevitable that I would eventually come into this world as a result of their liaisons. I thank them for that or I would not be here, but they were not meant to be parents, not as a teenager for my mother, and never for my father, who refused any responsibility for his children.

They decided to get married soon after my mother became pregnant at 16 years old and eventually brought six more children into the world. That brings me back to our dysfunctional upbringing and the point I want to make. The mistakes my parents made -- quitting school, drinking, my father’s decision to abandon us, etc. -- were directly responsible for our plight. Indirectly responsible were the conditions in which they were raised themselves and so forth. Fault is rarely borne to one person; it has a family tree. Therefore, it's up to ourselves to break free of unhealthy life choices passed down to us. This isn’t to say that one can’t make terrible decisions on their own, nor does it suggest we place all fault on our parents

So as I grew up, we were often on welfare or given some mercy on occasion by churches, etc.. We got blocks of cheese and powdered milk from the government, more than we could consume, and toys from caring people at Christmas. We needed help, but why? Unwise life choices! It wasn’t the fault of us children, not yet. But our lifestyle was sure to be imitated in varying degrees into the next generation if something didn’t change. As it turned out, we all made common mistakes growing up but added to that were the burdens that followed us from our upbringing. Today, despite five siblings failing to graduate from high school, mimicking our parents, most of us have broken the cycle of chaos to lead much better lives for our families! Unfortunately, a couple of siblings struggle mightily to this day from a lack of planning, a feeling of helplessness or defeat, or just bad choices; and those struggles have now moved into a third generation for some.

Being accountable is being answerable to no one…but yourself!

You don’t have to be stupid to make bad decisions. All it takes is a lack of vision and a lack of planning. Those in our family who have elevated their situation in life have taken on accountability for their futures. We’ve changed our ways and found people to listen to, taking their advice. We have all worked very hard to get past the lifestyle we knew. Self-responsibility or the lack of it is a learned characteristic for most! If being responsible for one’s self is not absorbed through the example of others, then we must start being accountable for seeking it ourselves. Those that do will always do better than those who don’t.

Note: I must qualify that the type of people I’m talking about have the resources we have in the US, with reasonable intelligence, no major medical (including mental) issues or disabilities. I also exclude those with whatever disadvantages I am leaving out that cannot be controlled by themselves. Those who are so unfortunate deserve our help in every way possible! They above anyone deserve compassion! Yet so many people are in terrible situations from their own disservice to themselves and take resources from those that didn’t have a choice, or had no part in their predicament.

Questions to ask yourself

So, parents, I ask you to think about a few things. 1) What bad habits and lessons did you pick up from your parents? 2) Have you tried to kick them out of your life? 3) Are there bad habits and/or misleading lessons you are passing on? You may not know unless you think about it. 3) Are you making excuses for your children and not putting any responsibility on their shoulders? 4) Are you consistent, fair, and demanding enough, or is it too easy to look the other way? 5) How many mistakes have you or your children made that have placed a burden on their lives that could have been avoided?

Sometimes it just takes a little thought and a change in attitude to change your life in beautiful ways. It would do well for your children to hear words like these from you, their parents. In no way do I, nor will anyone, expect bad choices to cease. That’s merely impossible, even when thought is given in advance. No doubt my mistakes will continue as long as I live. However, nothing but good can come from minimizing as many mistakes as possible. And yes, in times of a tough economy, the best of us can feel it – but not nearly as much as those without the power of self-responsibility. Teach your children responsibility and give responsibility to them. Besides love, there are not many things better to offer!

Michael Byron Smith,
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

0 Comments

My Dad, Polly

1/21/2019

1 Comment

Kids look for guidance every day. Occasionally, they even ask for it. Kids have questions that beg answers and fears that hover over them. Not always will they admit their insecurities and if they work them out on their own, that’s great! Most of the time, they will need an assist. An observant parent will notice when their child is struggling emotionally. Prompting a troubled child may get them to speak if they are ready, and most of the time things can be worked out.

A proactive maneuver to consider is to put positive ideas in your kids' heads in advance. If successful, these ideas will provide helpful ways to look at everyday issues giving them the patience and/or confidence to move forward until a problem is resolved. These ideas can be stated, preached, taught, practiced and/or written down. They can be borrowed from quotes or books, preachers or mentors, friends, or invented on your own. For instance, one of the 'wisdoms' that helped me tremendously as a young boy was when I was told by my mom, "Don't worry, this will go away in time and you will feel much better." I remembered this advice every time I was upset about something. Granted, sometimes it takes a long time for things to "pass", but knowing a 'future me' will be healed made the 'present me' feel much better.

Posters of encouragement can be made and placed strategically. A list of 'thinking points' can be printed out as reminders to drive these ideas into the sometimes thick skulls of your kids. The list below is an example. It is a photo of a page consisting of little 'wisdoms' given to my kids back in 2001 (excuse the chopped off letters). If I were to write something like this today, it would likely change significantly. But that was what I thought would be of help at the time. I know at least a couple of ideas were absorbed because they were repeated back to me.

As your children's parents, you know them best. Therefore, you can devise the thoughts and sayings that would work best for them. Ignore their seeming disinterest. When the need arises, they will want help and will remember where to look for it. At a minimum, they will know you care, and that alone is a significant act of love towards your children - something they need to know.

Yes, I’m corny and a little Pollyanna, especially considering my macho guy nature. LOL! But if being a little corny and Pollyanna-ish helps my kids or grand-kids, then call me ‘Polly’ for short.

Michael Byron Smith, father of three, grandfather of four.

1 Comment

Sometimes a Better Life is just a Stepladder Away

1/14/2019

0 Comments

Made with my grandkids' KidsDoodle App

We all want the best in life, and while some things are out of practical reach, others hang out there like a ripe apple just a stepladder away -- yet remain untouched! Wanting to change is a start, but it certainly isn’t easy to always follow through. Over 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by Valentine’s Day. Coincidentally, Valentine’s Day is when most promises made to loved ones to change for the better are broken. Challenges made to yourself are the toughest to keep, and it takes a real hero to meet those challenges. Conscientiousness is not as common of a trait as we would hope.

I was a potential stepladder for a couple of men who chose not to accept my help. A program exists in St. Louis to mentor young fathers who were recently released from prison and had gone through a rigorous course to help them adjust to a second chance. I volunteered because of my interest in advancing the culture of fatherhood. The first young man assigned to me seemed eager to become a good father and contributing citizen. I gave him a pep talk and my phone number to call me if he needed help or guidance. We were also supposed to meet occasionally to check his progress and to see how I might help. After this first meeting, however, I never heard from or saw him again. I called his phone, left messages, and contacted the organization that brought us together with no luck. A few months later I was matched to a second young father, a fresh graduate of this excellent program. Knowing what happened the first time, I was still encouraged after talking to him. But it happened again. One phone call and then no more contact.

Maybe these two young men were sincere in their efforts to make good in their futures. They likely had hope with the confidence gained from the program they had just graduated. But this program was not entirely voluntary. Taking it was voluntary. but they were highly monitored and would lose many privileges if they didn’t toe the line. Once given some freedom of choice it may have been too easy to do what they wanted, and my help was not part of that.

Hopefully, these two young men have turned their lives around and are doing well. I sure hope so for them and their families. Maybe they didn’t need my help, but if I were to see them again, I would advise them to accept all the help they can get – and if they decide not to accept it, be courteous enough to say “thanks but no thanks.”

In the US, 78% of people live paycheck to paycheck. I would guess 78% of that 78% do that voluntarily. It’s not a plan to act this way, it’s the lack of a plan to save or to spend more wisely. It’s the same with dysfunctional families. They don’t want dysfunction. They just don’t have a consistently adhered-to plan to raise their children, or don't know how to get along with each other, or to save money, or never think of asking for or wanting help.

Yes, this article may may a bit negative because I’m pointing out behaviors that has affected me, my family, and millions in very nonproductive ways. But the upside of this story is the fact that many positive changes are just a stepladder away. And more importantly, we need to keep that stepladder nearby at all times! Help is there if you really want it.

0 Comments

Your Home May Be a Shack, but Your Mind Can Be a Palace

1/2/2019

1 Comment

When thinking about your present situation in life, likely because it is the beginning of a new year, think about what your contribution has been and what it could be. An example:

'Poor' is a description that can be misunderstood. We can have poor vision, poor attitudes, poor health, etc. But here I use poor as it is often thought of, to portray someone who has a lack of income or wealth. While many people are poor in this sense, we can all be rich in other areas. Indeed, one does not need money to do any of the following:

Read
Play
Exercise
Write
Sing
Smile
Love
Imagine
Pray
Think
Dance
Be gracious
Be friendly
Have vision
Help someone
Have an opinion

No one can deny anyone the actions above, except to ourselves. Can someone refute that a poor child with perseverance and desire is wealthier, in the most beneficial ways, than a rich child with indifference and entitlement? If you are a healthy adult and remain poor, it’s very possible you have not partaken in many of the bulleted actions above. I did not have all those qualities as a child. Had they been explained to me, and if I had listened, life would have been so much more comfortable with or without the privilege of money.

It is best always to consider yourself the problem. For if you think the world around you is the problem, then you are helpless. But if you decide and believe that you (your beliefs, your attitude, your lack of creativity, your procrastination, your victimization, etc.) are the problem, then you have control suggesting that solutions and progress are possible. Quotes:

Benjamin Franklin said, “Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor.”
In Angela’s Ashes, Frank McCourt wrote, “You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.”
And lastly, my favorite, “We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without.” Immanuel Kant

I would supplement Kant’s quote by saying ‘we are rich by what we possess that we can do little without,’ which would be the bulleted qualities listed above, all of which require vision. Therefore, your highest value resides in your vision.

Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

1 Comment

Christmas and the Grinch That Hated Christmas Lights

12/21/2018

0 Comments

Christmases Past

As a kid, my siblings and I had nice Christmases even though we were poor. A few were supplemented with kind members of a nearby church. But with the help of relatives and my mom prioritizing over other needs, we always had gifts to open and Christmas mornings were a joy!

Between my late teens and becoming a parent, Christmas is kind of a blur because no small children were there to forge a memorable impression. That all changed when my wife and I became parents. Again we got into the wonder of Santa, Rudolf, elves, and presents. Our kids picked up on Christmas traditions like reindeer automatically know how to fly. We were excited about them being excited and looked forward to Christmas morning almost as much as they did. However, not all was merry and bright!

I confess that I was not as enthusiastic about decorations and the hoopla of Christmas season as my wife, Kathy, especially the many weeks prior. The day after Thanksgiving, Kathy wanted to put up the tree. I wasn’t quite in the mood yet, but I lugged it up, griping, and put on half the ornaments. I never really liked wrapping presents nor did Kathy like the sloppy and wasteful way I did it. My biggest gripe about the Christmas season as an adult is Christmas lights! I now refuse to put them up after many years of aggravation with those little bulbs of terror that never seemed to work for any length of time. I had too many wasted hours hanging them up and having them fail over and over again. I would work myself into a terrible mood when it took up half my day in the cold to get them repaired only to do it again a week or less later.

Now, I feel a little guilty because Kathy decorates the door and bushes herself, quietly (sometimes) angry (always) that I won’t help. Sure enough, this year she has had to fix or replace the lights at least four times. I don’t know how long she will put up with the aggravation that she shows - but won’t admit to. If I give in to hanging or fixing the lights, I will be stuck forever allowing my Christmas to be less than enjoyable, baa humbug! I would happily settle for a spotlight shining on a wreath on our door to show our holiday cheer. Yes! I’m a terrible husband for my stance! Note: Our kids were way past believing in Santa before I stopped harassing and being harassed by Christmas lights.

But all the preparation and work on Christmas morning, mostly by Kathy, seemed to be more than worth it watching our kids open presents which, by the way, came with rules. Kathy insisted the kids take turns opening their presents, one at a time. That never happened when I was a kid, but I liked the rule. Eventually, they grow up, and the magic that comes with little children disappears - no eyes the size of saucers, no screaming or jumping up and down. No little girls in brand new pajamas with missing teeth, or little boys wearing new cowboy boots in their underwear. It becomes a nice, but relatively unexciting, day of controlled present unwrapping and polite words of thanks when only adults are involved.

Then come the grandchildren! The excitement returns! They want to help you with your ornaments and trimming, which triples the time it takes to decorate! Afterward, they want to play with everything shiny and new, breaking some. Hiding presents is necessary once more. Wondering what they might want is a chore (again, Kathy) and buying too much is a given.

I still don’t like wrapping presents and putting up lights! My wife doesn’t like the Grinch in me. But we do have new traditions along with the old ones. For instance, cookie day is a must for my wife, daughters, and kids. I help as a photographer, taste tester, and bowl-licker. My primary responsibility comes on Christmas Eve when the extended family gets together for dinner and fun at our family farmhouse (which I decorate without lights). In the days prior, I look for inexpensive gifts, mostly from the Dollar Store, and wrap them as prizes for the kids who win rounds of Christmas Bingo. The first one who gets five elves - or sleigh bells - or wreaths, in a row, wins a present to open. The older kids help the younger kids, and they get such a kick sharing the excitement with younger siblings and cousins.

Yes, Christmas can bring a lot of joy and a causes a lot of angst. I give credit to my wife for the joy it brings to our grandchildren, and I thank her! But it will take a Christmas miracle or new technology for me to give in to the hell of Christmas lights. We just can’t seem to get along!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Christmas has always been a mixture of emotions, changing with the circumstances of your life. One constant has been the absolute joy of kids and Christmas morning. Of course, the birth of Jesus is why Christmas exists at all, and the holiday has certainly has become too commercialized. But the joy of Christmas includes the smiles of children around the world. Certainly their smiles would make Jesus smile also.

PS. My book, "The Power of Dadhood" may be a thoughtful present for Dad!

0 Comments

Calming Parental Paranoia

12/17/2018

0 Comments

Risk Factors: Parents tend to consider negative impacts much more than the likelihood of those impacts.

It used to be that kids could play outside on their own for hours on end. “Come home when the streetlights come on,” moms would say. No longer! The typical neighborhood in the US is no more dangerous now, and likely less dangerous than it was then. But, of course, we hear of every discretion in the world now through the multitude of media outlets and the lightning-fast way that news travels. Then we imagine the transgression and make it personal, thinking how horrible it would be if that incident or tragedy happened to our loved ones!

For instance, many parents now fear that any day their kid will be abducted on her three-block walk home. So mom or dad meet him at school or, has it happens at my grandchildren’s school, the school won’t let a ‘walker’ off the property until in the hands of a known adult. My purpose here is not to criticize steps taken to protect our children, but to ease some of the mind-numbing fear because another factor exists that is rarely considered, that is the exceedingly remote likelihood of a kidnapping happening to you or anyone you know – the ‘IF’ factor.

According to the Polly Klaas Foundation, 99.8% of the children who go missing do come home! And only about 100 children (a fraction of 1%) are kidnapped each year in the entire United States in the stereotypical stranger abductions you hear about in the news.

Let me take the example of flying in a commercial aircraft. This proposal causes much fear in some people because, let’s face it, a crash is dramatic and might kill you. But if you care to look, here is a link showing the flights currently in the air. It reveals just how busy the airways are yet you rarely hear of an incident even though every accident, even minor, is reported. So while Americans have a 1 in 114 chance of dying in a car crash, according to the National Safety Council, the odds of dying in an air incident are 1 in 9,821. That’s 86 times safer than driving and three times safer than eating because of the choking hazard, yet we take the risk of riding in a car and eating.

Message 1: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how unlikely some consequences are.

When we keep our kids too safe, there are still risks. You may end up with a child who is afraid of things they’ve never tried in life or who is awkward in certain social situations. They may miss out on experiences to grow or to build confidence. These possible consequences are not as severe as being abducted or dying in a plane crash, but the likelihood of those things happening are much higher.

Message 2: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how likely some consequences are.

The magnitude of risk (risk factor) considers two elements, the likelihood (probability) of something happening and the consequence (impact) if it does. While ‘consequences’ can remain somewhat stable, ‘likelihood’ can change by location and circumstance. Confusing to think about, but, actually, all I’m trying to suggest is that two entirely different kinds of risks can have a similar ‘risk factor.’ For instance, overprotecting your kids is just as risky, in a sense, as not. Because a loss of freedom, adventure, or decision making can be harmful in less noticeable ways. Something to consider! Something to balance.

Summary

I know that not one parent is likely to stop escorting their children in safe neighborhoods (a completely valid thing to do in unsafe neighborhoods because of likelihood), and those afraid of flying will remain so. I get that! But I hope that, maybe, if we consider more than just the visions of what we hear and see on the news, and consider their 'likelihoods' also, then the paranoia can be reduced, thereby helping our sanity, our contentment, and our joy of living.

0 Comments

It’s the Family, Stupid!

12/10/2018

0 Comments

I began this blog “Helping Fathers to be Dads” in 2013 just before the publication of my book, "The Power of Dadhood” and I haven’t missed writing at least one article a week in over four years. My purpose was the hope that I would find an audience that might need encouragement, discussion, and some thoughts about being a parent, especially a dad! Now it is 10:00 PM on a Monday and I just realized I haven’t written a thing for this self-imposed deadline of mine.

I just returned from a visit to my son, stationed in Texas. It was Cookie Day on Saturday with our four grandchildren. I’ve been very occupied by a new book project and thoughts regarding a personal issue. Commitments, projects, family, writing, you name it - we all get busy, but after four years I don’t want to miss a week.

But I don’t want to waste my time or yours because I appreciate that anyone would take time to read what I have to say. So I will repeat some VERY important and disturbing facts regarding fatherhood. You may be aware of this info if you’ve read past blog posts of mine. Otherwise, you may be shocked by the impacts dads have by their presence or their absence.

Social Facts regarding Fatherhood:

91% of fathers agree there is a father-absence crisis in the US.
41% of babies were born to unmarried mothers in 2008. In 1950, this number was 4%.
70% of adults believe a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happy.
In 1960, 88% (67% Black) of children lived in a home with two parents. Today that number is around 69% (41% Black).
24.7 million Children (33%) lived in a biological father-absent home in 2010.
Half of all children are expected to live with a biological mother and a ‘social’ father.
A 2009 study found that father involvement was the only factor that decreased the odds of engaging in sexual activity.

The resulting facts!

Children raised without a father in the home are:

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
24.3 times more likely to run away
6.6 times more likely to drop out of high school
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institution
10.8 times more likely to commit rape
6.6 times more likely to become teenage mothers
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

Imagine now, a society where 90% of homes are complete with involved fathers.

Would we have near the drug problem?
Would we need more police?
Would we have fewer teen births?
Would we have less poverty and needy families?

I think we know the answers to these questions! Each issue mentioned - drugs, crime, teen births, and poverty - are continuing problems we face each day in America. We fight them with drug programs, more police, more free condoms and abortions, and increased welfare. Those programs will never solve any of those issues until families somehow become whole in the majority. Every problem begins and/or ends in the home. Better yet, the hope is a family culture that is such that thoughts of trouble with drugs, crime, teen pregnancy, or poverty could never be an issue. I believe this with all my heart!

It is 10:37. It was a quick write, but packed with important information I hope you can use and/or share!

Think #family

#powerofdadhood

0 Comments

Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

12/3/2018

0 Comments

These young adults (2002) all became quickly successful in life!

A trend in recent years is the glacial pace at which adolescents are moving into adulthood. Young people are taking their time accepting adult responsibilities, having sex earlier with more partners, drinking heavily, marrying later, studying later, traveling longer and taking more time to decide what it is they want to do with their lives. They also are very picky about the jobs they will accept, waiting for their dream job. Some might say, “So, what’s wrong with all that?” But what it has led to is more young adults living with parents than a spouse in 2016 and not likely to be paying rent. And no matter your thoughts on the Affordable Care Act, the fact that a 26-year-old is eligible to be covered by his parent's insurance is irresponsible from the standpoint of delaying personal adult responsibility. Daddy and mommy should not be responsible for your lives at 26.

The traditional definition for adolescence is between and the ages of 10 and 19, which marked the beginnings of puberty and the perceived end of biological growth. Now, some scientists say adulthood does not begin until 24. At that age, I was already flying nuclear-equipped aircraft for the Air Force.

What comes first, adulthood then responsibility, or responsibility then adulthood?

Clearly, in past generations, responsibility made one an adult, maybe sometimes too early. These days it seems that responsibilitues are delayed until one claims adulthood, and that is happening later and later.
In the past, young adults were expected to have finished school, found a job, and set up their own household during their 20s—most often with their spouse and with a child soon to follow. Other facts - around 1900, nine of ten young people 14-17 years old worked full time. In 1920, nearly two-thirds of all people over age 14 were married. During World War II, large numbers of 18-year-olds (and younger) were fighting and dying in ferocious battles and deplorable conditions in defense of their country.

How to accelerate into adulthood

In my opinion, as parents, we should strive to get somewhere in the middle, between the tough days of generations past and the overindulgence of young adults in the present. But how?
Some things are learned through what I call ‘parental osmosis’, where your kids learn by watching and mimicking you. It helps if you, as a parent, have the qualities you desire in your children. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t really work. Of course, children don’t always follow their parent’s example. Which can be a good thing sometimes, but not usually! So teaching and expecting certain behaviors from them is very important. So too, are the behaviors you choose as important.

Here are six behaviors, or characteristics, that can be helpful in guiding any young person into adulthood.

Ambition – Most kids have ambitions. Some good, like a college degree or a specialized skill, others not as good, like becoming the best video game player in school. However, the best ambition for anyone is to use every gift available to reach one’s highest potential for making a difference in the world. Although not always easy to get across, it is easy to discuss and set expectations. Without your guidance, this kind of thinking may not cross their minds until too late.

Commitment – Never accept a half-baked job from your child. Every task assigned or every venture they decide to take on should not be abandoned for trivial reasons. When they are committed, they need to go all out to success or failure, but never a failure of commitment.

Reliability – When you say you will do something, always do it (or have a darn good reason). You can’t expect a kid to be reliable when he hasn’t seen it from others and isn’t required to be so from his parents. Reliability is a giant step toward respectability!

Resilience – Failure is indeed a great teacher! There is no shame in failure because it comes with effort and risk indicating someone with goals. Resilient kids learn from their failures and keep sharpening their tools. If your child gives up too quickly on new endeavors or tasks, push them to continue. Their eventual and likely success will teach them the value of resilience.

Humility – A humble person is likely to have had success without the need to flaunt their achievements. Some people never grow up in this area. When your child is humble, it characterizes maturity and wins admiration from others. Sure, one may not get credit for something by not telling others, but bragging about any achievement will nullify any impression that you may have been looking for. Success is for you to celebrate within, not as a reason to boast or assume a higher station in life.

Courage – Courage is doing what one has to do even if they fear failure. Courage gives a child resilience which factors into their reliability because of their commitment. Speak to your kids when fear grips them. Let them know that fear is usually paper thin and can be overcome by challenging it square-on. It also takes courage to decide not to follow peers into dark places or acts. Courage always comes with some fear or doubt. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be necessary.

Summary

If you want to avoid what some parents are going through these days with their young adult children, start taking action now! Any adolescent with the above qualities will undoubtedly have success and be ready to move quickly into the responsible behavior we all look for in adulthood! A good dad or mom will start teaching these behaviors at a very young age, and when they do, they can be satisfied they have done their best as a parent. And you may have your house to yourself!

0 Comments

The Five Tools to a Rewarding Life

11/26/2018

0 Comments

Busch Stadium In St. Louis

What makes someone very successful? What makes them stand apart? What can a parent do to help their child become successful? I’ll use the analogy of a baseball team/player.

I love baseball. I love that there is no clock. I love the strategy. I love how it brings people together who don’t even know each other. My favorite team since I was six years old is the St. Louis Cardinals. For my team to do well requires them to be successful in many areas. It’s apparent to anyone that pitching, fielding, and hitting are essential, but scouting, management, and player development are just as important to field a winning team. Whichever team succeeds in all these areas will usually be on top.

No baseball player succeeds to the Major Leagues without enormous talent, yet some are better at defense and others are better at offense. While some ballplayers run faster, others may have more instinct. Baseball fans are aware of what it takes for a player to be extraordinary, and that is the player who can do everything well. Today, a player who can be described that way is Mike Trout of the Anaheim Angels. Mike Trout is called a ‘Five-Tool-Player’ which means he can field, run, throw, hit for average, and hit for power. Few players have all these tools, but even being good at two or three can will make a player millions of dollars.

There are five tools for players in the game of life also. Being good at two or three of them may not bring in the earnings of a Major League ballplayer, but indeed success is within reach. Being proficient in all five tools of life and you can be an all-star.

What are the five areas or tools where one can be successful? The following is from The Power of Dadhood which explains that success is not measured in money but in balanced skills that will make one’s life rich and full.

Financial Success: Not necessarily having a lot of money, but knowing how to manage the money you do have.
Relationship Success: Having loving friends and family members who can be counted on in good times and bad, just as they count on you.
Intellectual Success: Maximizing your intellect by being open to others, their ideas, and their culture. Always being open to learning. Having confidence, patience, and empathy while understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and those of others.
Physical Success: Giving your body and mind the exercise, nutrients, and rest they need.
Spiritual Success: Being able to live outside the needs of your ego with love and understanding for people and all living things.

As fathers, giving our children these tools of success would be our own truest success. Look at each of your children. Which of these five tools does each of them need your help with? It will likely be different for each child. Spend time with each to teach, mentor, and encourage them as they make their way to success.

0 Comments