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Christmas and the Grinch That Hated Christmas Lights

12/21/2018

Christmases Past

As a kid, my siblings and I had nice Christmases even though we were poor. A few were supplemented with kind members of a nearby church. But with the help of relatives and my mom prioritizing over other needs, we always had gifts to open and Christmas mornings were a joy!

Between my late teens and becoming a parent, Christmas is kind of a blur because no small children were there to forge a memorable impression. That all changed when my wife and I became parents. Again we got into the wonder of Santa, Rudolf, elves, and presents. Our kids picked up on Christmas traditions like reindeer automatically know how to fly. We were excited about them being excited and looked forward to Christmas morning almost as much as they did. However, not all was merry and bright!

I confess that I was not as enthusiastic about decorations and the hoopla of Christmas season as my wife, Kathy, especially the many weeks prior. The day after Thanksgiving, Kathy wanted to put up the tree. I wasn’t quite in the mood yet, but I lugged it up, griping, and put on half the ornaments. I never really liked wrapping presents nor did Kathy like the sloppy and wasteful way I did it. My biggest gripe about the Christmas season as an adult is Christmas lights! I now refuse to put them up after many years of aggravation with those little bulbs of terror that never seemed to work for any length of time. I had too many wasted hours hanging them up and having them fail over and over again. I would work myself into a terrible mood when it took up half my day in the cold to get them repaired only to do it again a week or less later.

Now, I feel a little guilty because Kathy decorates the door and bushes herself, quietly (sometimes) angry (always) that I won’t help. Sure enough, this year she has had to fix or replace the lights at least four times. I don’t know how long she will put up with the aggravation that she shows - but won’t admit to. If I give in to hanging or fixing the lights, I will be stuck forever allowing my Christmas to be less than enjoyable, baa humbug! I would happily settle for a spotlight shining on a wreath on our door to show our holiday cheer. Yes! I’m a terrible husband for my stance! Note: Our kids were way past believing in Santa before I stopped harassing and being harassed by Christmas lights.

But all the preparation and work on Christmas morning, mostly by Kathy, seemed to be more than worth it watching our kids open presents which, by the way, came with rules. Kathy insisted the kids take turns opening their presents, one at a time. That never happened when I was a kid, but I liked the rule. Eventually, they grow up, and the magic that comes with little children disappears - no eyes the size of saucers, no screaming or jumping up and down. No little girls in brand new pajamas with missing teeth, or little boys wearing new cowboy boots in their underwear. It becomes a nice, but relatively unexciting, day of controlled present unwrapping and polite words of thanks when only adults are involved.

Then come the grandchildren! The excitement returns! They want to help you with your ornaments and trimming, which triples the time it takes to decorate! Afterward, they want to play with everything shiny and new, breaking some. Hiding presents is necessary once more. Wondering what they might want is a chore (again, Kathy) and buying too much is a given.

I still don’t like wrapping presents and putting up lights! My wife doesn’t like the Grinch in me. But we do have new traditions along with the old ones. For instance, cookie day is a must for my wife, daughters, and kids. I help as a photographer, taste tester, and bowl-licker. My primary responsibility comes on Christmas Eve when the extended family gets together for dinner and fun at our family farmhouse (which I decorate without lights). In the days prior, I look for inexpensive gifts, mostly from the Dollar Store, and wrap them as prizes for the kids who win rounds of Christmas Bingo. The first one who gets five elves - or sleigh bells - or wreaths, in a row, wins a present to open. The older kids help the younger kids, and they get such a kick sharing the excitement with younger siblings and cousins.

Yes, Christmas can bring a lot of joy and a causes a lot of angst. I give credit to my wife for the joy it brings to our grandchildren, and I thank her! But it will take a Christmas miracle or new technology for me to give in to the hell of Christmas lights. We just can’t seem to get along!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Christmas has always been a mixture of emotions, changing with the circumstances of your life. One constant has been the absolute joy of kids and Christmas morning. Of course, the birth of Jesus is why Christmas exists at all, and the holiday has certainly has become too commercialized. But the joy of Christmas includes the smiles of children around the world. Certainly their smiles would make Jesus smile also.

PS. My book, "The Power of Dadhood" may be a thoughtful present for Dad!

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Calming Parental Paranoia

12/17/2018

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Risk Factors: Parents tend to consider negative impacts much more than the likelihood of those impacts.

It used to be that kids could play outside on their own for hours on end. “Come home when the streetlights come on,” moms would say. No longer! The typical neighborhood in the US is no more dangerous now, and likely less dangerous than it was then. But, of course, we hear of every discretion in the world now through the multitude of media outlets and the lightning-fast way that news travels. Then we imagine the transgression and make it personal, thinking how horrible it would be if that incident or tragedy happened to our loved ones!

For instance, many parents now fear that any day their kid will be abducted on her three-block walk home. So mom or dad meet him at school or, has it happens at my grandchildren’s school, the school won’t let a ‘walker’ off the property until in the hands of a known adult. My purpose here is not to criticize steps taken to protect our children, but to ease some of the mind-numbing fear because another factor exists that is rarely considered, that is the exceedingly remote likelihood of a kidnapping happening to you or anyone you know – the ‘IF’ factor.

According to the Polly Klaas Foundation, 99.8% of the children who go missing do come home! And only about 100 children (a fraction of 1%) are kidnapped each year in the entire United States in the stereotypical stranger abductions you hear about in the news.

Let me take the example of flying in a commercial aircraft. This proposal causes much fear in some people because, let’s face it, a crash is dramatic and might kill you. But if you care to look, here is a link showing the flights currently in the air. It reveals just how busy the airways are yet you rarely hear of an incident even though every accident, even minor, is reported. So while Americans have a 1 in 114 chance of dying in a car crash, according to the National Safety Council, the odds of dying in an air incident are 1 in 9,821. That’s 86 times safer than driving and three times safer than eating because of the choking hazard, yet we take the risk of riding in a car and eating.

Message 1: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how unlikely some consequences are.

When we keep our kids too safe, there are still risks. You may end up with a child who is afraid of things they’ve never tried in life or who is awkward in certain social situations. They may miss out on experiences to grow or to build confidence. These possible consequences are not as severe as being abducted or dying in a plane crash, but the likelihood of those things happening are much higher.

Message 2: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how likely some consequences are.

The magnitude of risk (risk factor) considers two elements, the likelihood (probability) of something happening and the consequence (impact) if it does. While ‘consequences’ can remain somewhat stable, ‘likelihood’ can change by location and circumstance. Confusing to think about, but, actually, all I’m trying to suggest is that two entirely different kinds of risks can have a similar ‘risk factor.’ For instance, overprotecting your kids is just as risky, in a sense, as not. Because a loss of freedom, adventure, or decision making can be harmful in less noticeable ways. Something to consider! Something to balance.

Summary

I know that not one parent is likely to stop escorting their children in safe neighborhoods (a completely valid thing to do in unsafe neighborhoods because of likelihood), and those afraid of flying will remain so. I get that! But I hope that, maybe, if we consider more than just the visions of what we hear and see on the news, and consider their 'likelihoods' also, then the paranoia can be reduced, thereby helping our sanity, our contentment, and our joy of living.

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It’s the Family, Stupid!

12/10/2018

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I began this blog “Helping Fathers to be Dads” in 2013 just before the publication of my book, "The Power of Dadhood” and I haven’t missed writing at least one article a week in over four years. My purpose was the hope that I would find an audience that might need encouragement, discussion, and some thoughts about being a parent, especially a dad! Now it is 10:00 PM on a Monday and I just realized I haven’t written a thing for this self-imposed deadline of mine.

I just returned from a visit to my son, stationed in Texas. It was Cookie Day on Saturday with our four grandchildren. I’ve been very occupied by a new book project and thoughts regarding a personal issue. Commitments, projects, family, writing, you name it - we all get busy, but after four years I don’t want to miss a week.

But I don’t want to waste my time or yours because I appreciate that anyone would take time to read what I have to say. So I will repeat some VERY important and disturbing facts regarding fatherhood. You may be aware of this info if you’ve read past blog posts of mine. Otherwise, you may be shocked by the impacts dads have by their presence or their absence.

Social Facts regarding Fatherhood:

91% of fathers agree there is a father-absence crisis in the US.
41% of babies were born to unmarried mothers in 2008. In 1950, this number was 4%.
70% of adults believe a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happy.
In 1960, 88% (67% Black) of children lived in a home with two parents. Today that number is around 69% (41% Black).
24.7 million Children (33%) lived in a biological father-absent home in 2010.
Half of all children are expected to live with a biological mother and a ‘social’ father.
A 2009 study found that father involvement was the only factor that decreased the odds of engaging in sexual activity.

The resulting facts!

Children raised without a father in the home are:

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
24.3 times more likely to run away
6.6 times more likely to drop out of high school
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institution
10.8 times more likely to commit rape
6.6 times more likely to become teenage mothers
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

Imagine now, a society where 90% of homes are complete with involved fathers.

Would we have near the drug problem?
Would we need more police?
Would we have fewer teen births?
Would we have less poverty and needy families?

I think we know the answers to these questions! Each issue mentioned - drugs, crime, teen births, and poverty - are continuing problems we face each day in America. We fight them with drug programs, more police, more free condoms and abortions, and increased welfare. Those programs will never solve any of those issues until families somehow become whole in the majority. Every problem begins and/or ends in the home. Better yet, the hope is a family culture that is such that thoughts of trouble with drugs, crime, teen pregnancy, or poverty could never be an issue. I believe this with all my heart!

It is 10:37. It was a quick write, but packed with important information I hope you can use and/or share!

Think #family

#powerofdadhood

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Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

12/3/2018

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These young adults (2002) all became quickly successful in life!

A trend in recent years is the glacial pace at which adolescents are moving into adulthood. Young people are taking their time accepting adult responsibilities, having sex earlier with more partners, drinking heavily, marrying later, studying later, traveling longer and taking more time to decide what it is they want to do with their lives. They also are very picky about the jobs they will accept, waiting for their dream job. Some might say, “So, what’s wrong with all that?” But what it has led to is more young adults living with parents than a spouse in 2016 and not likely to be paying rent. And no matter your thoughts on the Affordable Care Act, the fact that a 26-year-old is eligible to be covered by his parent's insurance is irresponsible from the standpoint of delaying personal adult responsibility. Daddy and mommy should not be responsible for your lives at 26.

The traditional definition for adolescence is between and the ages of 10 and 19, which marked the beginnings of puberty and the perceived end of biological growth. Now, some scientists say adulthood does not begin until 24. At that age, I was already flying nuclear-equipped aircraft for the Air Force.

What comes first, adulthood then responsibility, or responsibility then adulthood?

Clearly, in past generations, responsibility made one an adult, maybe sometimes too early. These days it seems that responsibilitues are delayed until one claims adulthood, and that is happening later and later.
In the past, young adults were expected to have finished school, found a job, and set up their own household during their 20s—most often with their spouse and with a child soon to follow. Other facts - around 1900, nine of ten young people 14-17 years old worked full time. In 1920, nearly two-thirds of all people over age 14 were married. During World War II, large numbers of 18-year-olds (and younger) were fighting and dying in ferocious battles and deplorable conditions in defense of their country.

How to accelerate into adulthood

In my opinion, as parents, we should strive to get somewhere in the middle, between the tough days of generations past and the overindulgence of young adults in the present. But how?
Some things are learned through what I call ‘parental osmosis’, where your kids learn by watching and mimicking you. It helps if you, as a parent, have the qualities you desire in your children. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t really work. Of course, children don’t always follow their parent’s example. Which can be a good thing sometimes, but not usually! So teaching and expecting certain behaviors from them is very important. So too, are the behaviors you choose as important.

Here are six behaviors, or characteristics, that can be helpful in guiding any young person into adulthood.

Ambition – Most kids have ambitions. Some good, like a college degree or a specialized skill, others not as good, like becoming the best video game player in school. However, the best ambition for anyone is to use every gift available to reach one’s highest potential for making a difference in the world. Although not always easy to get across, it is easy to discuss and set expectations. Without your guidance, this kind of thinking may not cross their minds until too late.

Commitment – Never accept a half-baked job from your child. Every task assigned or every venture they decide to take on should not be abandoned for trivial reasons. When they are committed, they need to go all out to success or failure, but never a failure of commitment.

Reliability – When you say you will do something, always do it (or have a darn good reason). You can’t expect a kid to be reliable when he hasn’t seen it from others and isn’t required to be so from his parents. Reliability is a giant step toward respectability!

Resilience – Failure is indeed a great teacher! There is no shame in failure because it comes with effort and risk indicating someone with goals. Resilient kids learn from their failures and keep sharpening their tools. If your child gives up too quickly on new endeavors or tasks, push them to continue. Their eventual and likely success will teach them the value of resilience.

Humility – A humble person is likely to have had success without the need to flaunt their achievements. Some people never grow up in this area. When your child is humble, it characterizes maturity and wins admiration from others. Sure, one may not get credit for something by not telling others, but bragging about any achievement will nullify any impression that you may have been looking for. Success is for you to celebrate within, not as a reason to boast or assume a higher station in life.

Courage – Courage is doing what one has to do even if they fear failure. Courage gives a child resilience which factors into their reliability because of their commitment. Speak to your kids when fear grips them. Let them know that fear is usually paper thin and can be overcome by challenging it square-on. It also takes courage to decide not to follow peers into dark places or acts. Courage always comes with some fear or doubt. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be necessary.

Summary

If you want to avoid what some parents are going through these days with their young adult children, start taking action now! Any adolescent with the above qualities will undoubtedly have success and be ready to move quickly into the responsible behavior we all look for in adulthood! A good dad or mom will start teaching these behaviors at a very young age, and when they do, they can be satisfied they have done their best as a parent. And you may have your house to yourself!

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​Christmas and the Grinch That Hated Christmas Lights

​Calming Parental Paranoia

​It’s the Family, Stupid!

Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

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Christmas and the Grinch That Hated Christmas Lights

Calming Parental Paranoia

It’s the Family, Stupid!