Blog Posts

A Beautiful Way to Parent

11/1/2021

“Beauty is only skin deep.”
That’s what they say, and it’s true.
Substance is what’s most important,
But one should give beauty its due.

mbs

If you make breakfast for your kids, you're being a parent. If you make pancakes with strawberry eyes and a whipped cream smile, that's beautiful parenting. It's that little extra effort that stands out.

To me, beauty is the truest sign of caring! The beauty I'm referring to can be visual, of course, but it can also be an act, a thought, or an introduction of soul into a lifeless situation.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have visited Europe a few times. What really stuns me about that part of the world is the splendor of its architecture. There seems to be an appreciation for beauty there that is lacking in many US cities and towns. Cinder blocks can do an excellent job if all one needs is a reliable, safe structure, but it gives nothing to the soul. Any church, mosque, or synagogue will serve its congregation. But those structures that are magnificent bring a depth of meaning to worshipers that a converted strip-mall, storefront ‘house of worship’ cannot.

I visit coffee shops and see people come and go. I can’t judge them or know what they may have accomplished. I do notice, however, how they dress and carry themselves. I particularly appreciate a senior man or woman who takes pride in their appearance. It tells me something positive about them.

When watching homes being rehabbed on TV, I notice the rehabbers check the structure, heating, and cooling, etc. to be sure the house is safe and sound. The house is worthless if not safe and livable. But the house will go unsold until a designer makes it visually and emotionally appealing.

Art may serve to convey a message or capture a scene, but without beauty, or an attention-getting setting, any message will be lost , any scene unnoticed. Art serves beauty, and beauty serves art.

A rainbow has no substance outside of water molecules -- but rainbows are noticed! We can’t touch or use a rainbow; yet we watch them, sing and write about them, and see them as symbols of goodness.

The beauty of nature captures us all! The duty of a flower is simply to be pleasing to the eye. There is beauty in a desert, a wheat field, a canyon, or a mountain. But the more beautiful the scene, the more people search for and write about it.

There can be beauty in the spoken or written word. A speaker or author without this talent will go unnoticed. “I walk in the park,” gets across an action. But, “I often go to the park to watch people, to smell the grass, and throw rocks in the pond,” is deeper. The first sentence is the substance, but the second sentence places beauty within the substance.

I like to notice things. When the day is over, and beauty was a part of it, I am a much happier, richer person. So I say, “YES”! Beauty is only skin deep, but beauty is the icing on the cake, the sun shining through the flag, the glimmer of the lake, the smile on a child’s face, and the spice of my life.

So why do I talk about beauty?

This may not seem like a discussion about parenting and fatherhood. But it remains a lesson for this reason. There are practical and necessary responsibilities of parents that are basic and vitally important. However, to be a successful family you must bring beauty into your home! It is essential to show both substance and splendor as a parent. You should avoid being a 'rainbow mother' -- beauty with no substance. Nor should you be a 'cinder-block father' – protective, practical, and stoic. Instead, be that ‘work of art’ parent with a substantial and beautiful message to share. Or be a solidly built home with character and appeal making it a pleasant place to be. Write or speak words to your kids that excite them, challenge them, and encourage them. Mix those beautiful messages in with those soul-less messages such as, “Do your homework,” or “Clean up your room.” Balance!

Summary

Balance is a key maxim in parenting. As an example, a dad can be stern and maintain the love of his children if he has also revealed the beauty of his character. Being cheerful and fun is the beautiful side of parenting. Every facet of parenting has a responsible, substantive aspect that can be more effective with some beauty mixed in. We’ve seen and read too many stories where a father is at odds with his child, a child that he loves dearly. This occurs when there is no balance to the substantive parenting the father sees as his duty, resulting in a weak connection between the two. Without some beauty and love expressed in a family, the necessary and less enjoyable responsibilities of parenting will be much more difficult.

#powerofdadhood

Read, The Power of Dadhood, by Michael Byron Smith

0 Comments

Using Quotes to Get Across Your Message

10/18/2021

0 Comments

“[A] quotation is a handy thing to have about, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself, always a laborious business."
~ A.A.Milne

I love a good quote! Quotes are a sort of philosophical shorthand which can help an author, speaker, or you to get a point across.

When I wrote, “The Power of Dadhood”, I started each chapter with a quote. I didn’t limit their use to introductions, I used them whenever they helped to make a point. A good quote can say quite a bit in just a few words.

As an example, the quote I used for my ‘Introduction’ was attributed to Mother Theresa.

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”

More than anything, this was a book about the need for, and the power of, love - comparing it to one of the basics of survival - food. This quote sets the stage for the reader and does it with clarity and brevity.

The quote that introduced Chapter One ‘The Power of Fatherhood’, was from Gloria Steinem.

“Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father.”

This quote was used to let the reader know that, along with love, my focus was going to be about the need for love specifically from a father. Steinem’s quote let us know that, among parents, it was not unusual that children learn most of what they know, and spend more time around, their mother. Not necessarily a bad thing, mothers are awesome! But when taken to an extreme, such as a father missing physically or emotionally, can cause numerous issues for a child’s behavior and self-confidence.

I’m not going to explain each quote in “The Power of Dadhood”, but I will say that just reading the quotes will do a lot to help a man be a father to his child. It is my hope, of course, that I enhance each quote using my experiences as a son and as a father. It's like working with a team! Some being brilliant.

With that introduction, here are some quotes that may get you thinking.

#powerofdadhood

0 Comments

That’s What Dads Do!

9/27/2021

0 Comments

A father is a man who, with the mother, brings a life into the world. That’s it! No other actions are required. A father is not required to ever love, hold, or even see the child they fathered. Obviously, most men carry forward with the tremendous responsibility of parenting. They give honor to the title of ‘father’ which extends to those who don’t deserve it. One thing you can’t call a man who does not support his children is, ‘dad’!

Dads do things that mere fathers don’t do. They have a purpose that no one else can do as well as they can. Mothers will always be thought of as the most involved parent. Mothers are usually the backbone of the family. But that backbone requires a supporting structure! Lest I forget to mention, some dads are the backbone of their families by necessity or choice which also works - with the support of the mother.

So what is that dads do that no one else can do as well?

When kids are small:

When their children are small, dads kiss ‘owies’ to make them better. Dads snuggle a little more tightly. They find time to spend with their kids, even when other voices are calling. Dads get on the floor to play with toy trucks, or sit on tiny chairs when invited to a very special tea party. Dads carry you on their shoulders and throw you in the air ignoring moms’ plea, “Don’t do that!” When dads give hugs it’s usually without words - and none are necessary. When they read to you, dads make scary monsters sound scarier and heroes seem stronger. Dads hold you when you’re sick, when you’re scared, and when you crawl into their lap just because it feels so good. Dads fix things you break, find things you lose, and hide things that could hurt you. And after you go to sleep, dads will peek through the door to see if you are okay…and smile ever so slightly.

When they are growing:

As their children grow, dads stay very involved! They know the names of friends and their parents. Dads give pats on the back or verbal kicks in the rear, both for encouragement. They love coaching their kids and/or going to concerts, school plays, and games. When learning to ride a bike, dads exhaust themselves running by your side, holding onto your bike – or pretending to. Dads will praise honest effort but condemn any sign of laziness. They know that one kid may have to be pushed into things while an adventurous sibling may have to be restrained a bit. Dads are also experts at surprises and fun stuff. New experiences, stimulating adventures, road trips, backyard camping, all these things and more will be in a dad’s bailiwick. And very importantly, dads tell their children why birds chirp and bees buzz because all kids need to know about the birds and the bees.

When they approach adulthood:

Dads help you buy your first car. They bail you out of trouble - then make you wish they hadn’t. More than moms, dads stand back to see if you can stand on your own. They trust you if you have earned their trust, but they also verify what you say and do for your own safety and well-being. They listen to your excuses, complaints, woes, dreams, etc. and try to help, sometimes by not getting involved. Dads teach possibilities, vision, gratitude, and respect. Occasionally, dads give in to their kids, but they never give up on them. Dads hope to be examples of male behavior for their sons, and an example of how to be treated for their daughters. They are the rock children need, the support moms crave, and the glare when mistakes are made. They peek through the blinds as you drive off, especially when daughters go out on dates. Lastly, Dads live vicariously through their sons as they progress, and walk with pride, and often a tear, as they walk their daughters down the aisle.

Summary

Fathers miss out on so much when they fail to become an involved dad. But more so, children miss out terribly without the guidance of a dad. When dads make mistakes, and they do, they try to learn from them. Moms can help dads when mistakes are made just as dads can help moms when they make mistakes. Dads are the balance to the mother as another ear, another voice, and the completion to a whole family. Mothers get more rest, more time to themselves, and more help allowing them to be better parents themselves. Dads are superheroes, then nuisances, then trusted voices. Young people need their love. That’s what dads do! That's what dads are for!

Author of: The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs
Originally published Sept 25th, 2017

0 Comments

A Dad is a Many-Splendored Thing

9/13/2021

0 Comments

Photo by author

What do you get with a father? That is a question not easily answered because all fathers are different, and becoming one requires no skill. I think I can better tell you what you get with a Dad! Dads are those fathers that do things for and with their family.

From my book, “The Power of Dadhood”

“What It Takes To be a real Dad

A Dad does not need to be handsome, strong, athletic, macho, rich, eloquent, college educated, or even married to the child’s mother, as is often the situation. Although many men want to be these things, such characteristics don’t make a man a Man or a father a Dad.
A Dad does need to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.”

Look at the list below. If your father is, or does, just five of these things, then he qualifies as a Dad! But I bet most fathers are, or do, many more than five!

My Dad is my:

Security guard
Coach
Mentor
Caretaker
Taxi Driver
Someone to play catch with
Bad joke teller
Superhero
Keeper of my secrets
Fixer of things
Disciplinarian
Storyteller
Listener
Example
Helper
Adventure guide
Lover of children’s art
Photographer
Provider
Counselor
Challenger
Partner to my Mom

And your greatest fan!

Fathers, looking at the list above how would your children rate you as a Dad? How would you rate yourself? It’s a simple check to help you reflect on your parenting. We don't want to just get by, we want to excel. Engagement comes before skill.

0 Comments

Life Lessons through Flying

8/29/2021

0 Comments

Author during USAF Pilot Training

Introduction:

Those of you who have followed this blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, know about my book on fatherhood entitled, “The Power of Dadhood”. The book was written from the standpoint of a father whose own father was not there for him, nor for his siblings. I am now writing a memoir of my childhood describing the unnecessary struggles we battled to succeed. What helped me to overcome the lack of help from, and even the obstruction of, my father, was my strong desire to be a pilot, which gave me purpose.

Currently, I am in an editing phase of my memoir, which I find quite difficult. I have added, deleted and flipped paragraphs, even chapters. I have written and rewritten sentences over and over again. Complete scenes seemed irrelevant on review and therefore dropped as I continued to fine tune my message . During this editing, I continued to write this blog each week.

Following is a deleted story from my draft. I found it was too redundant and excessive. But it is somewhat humorous, so I decided I could use it here as fatherly advice. The intent of the story was to show how failure is often caused by overthinking. When there is only time to react, you may find out you are more capable than you know.

The Excerpt

My slow start during T-37 training had passed, and I was getting into a rhythm. On a T-38 cross country training flight from California back to Texas, my instructor and I were leaving March AFB on a typically low overcast morning. This young captain, my mentor, had visited friends in the area and had a late night of celebration.

We were cruising around 30,000 feet over Phoenix, Arizona, and the ship was mine, meaning I was flying the aircraft. Suddenly, the nose of the T-38 shot straight up vertically! I did not know what was happening as I heard my instructor mumbling to me, “You…. have… the (gurgle)… air…craaaft.” With that, I pushed the control stick forward to stop the climb and descended back to our assigned altitude. When I leveled off, I asked him if he was okay. He replied, “I’m sick… very sick, you’ve got it from here.” I never heard another word from him until landing 800 miles later when he said, “Good job”! I taxied in, my instructor crawled out of the rear cockpit looking like a ghost and mumbled, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The airman directed us to our parking location, climbed the ladder to the rear cockpit, and began cursing as if he were in the Navy! My instructor had thrown up all over the cockpit and left it to the ground crew to clean up. Courtesy held that any pilot who lost his lunch would clean up his mess, but my instructor was too sick to do that in his condition. Hopefully, he apologized to the young airman later.

The T-38 Talon had taken a sudden climb upward over the Phoenix area because the instructor hit the trim button on the top of the control stick as he was vomiting his breakfast into his flight glove. The purpose of the trim button is to adjust the pressure felt on the control stick as the flow of air over the control surfaces changes. To keep from losing control, I had to push the stick forward against all the pressure of the trimmed surfaces while ‘re-trimming’ (nose down) to a level flight position. Of course, when you are climbing and then push forward, you will become weightless. I can only imagine what this did to my flight instructor’s stomach, not to mention the vomit in the cockpit and that captured in his flight glove!

That flight taught me I could do what I needed to do when I needed to do it. Not that what I did was difficult at that point in my training. First, I had to recover from an unexpected out-of-control situation. Then, I had to take full responsibility for the aircraft, the instructor, and myself. Without the ‘chance’ to anticipate the challenge, it went flawlessly. This positive outcome came because I didn’t make it more difficult in my head beforehand.

Summary

My issue as a boy growing up was confidence and poor self-esteem. I carried these feelings into the Air Force. While I earned my wings, I had to fight every day to do so. Acting with full confidence and valuing myself would have allowed my training to be more enjoyable and made me a better pilot. I was learning basic life skills at a place and time when I should have simply been learning the skills of an Air Force pilot. I think I would have been in the top of my class had my father been there to prepare me. Fathers! Please mentor your children. Learn what they can do well, what scares them, and what interests them. You can guide them to a greater success!

0 Comments

The Decay of American Grit – Fear of the Unlikely

8/23/2021

0 Comments

My 6 yr old granddaughter jumping off a cliff.

Fear can be a lifesaver. Fear can also be a burden that reduces our life experiences and our chances for a full life. I had a fear of worms as a child and shied away from fishing. Consequently, I felt some shame. When I became older, I had a fear of leaving the United States, until I did, then finding it one of the most rewarding activities I have ever known. My fear of water was a huge, keeping me safe until I learned to swim at eight years old. After this, rivers, lakes, pools became fun adventures and pastimes.

Unnecessary fear grips many of us as we watch events on the news, not realizing that what we are watching may be real, but magnified and laser-focused almost without exception. This focus gives a false impression of the danger to us and our loved ones. A bridge collapses and you now fear crossing bridges, not considering that death by a bridge collapsing is astronomically uncommon. This magnification makes an unlikely incident seem likely. If you magnified a drop of common drinking water, you may never drink water again because, like a bridge collapse, you are seeing ugly things you normally don’t see.

Alternatively, we may not be aware of some unworthy risks because they do not have the scrutiny we get from our outside sources. Some may take certain drugs, not knowing the danger. Even prescribed drugs have danger. We have a 1 in 92 chance of dying of opioid abuse in our lifetime. Knowing this, you can reduce your odd to zero if you choose. We often ignore or choose to be ignorant of the risks for things we want to do.

In recent years, with expanding technology and social media, we have taken the woes that used to be suffered by a few and shared the pain amongst all of us through shared knowledge. When the shared pain reduces the severity of the few, by taking certain actions, it is a good thing. But when that pain becomes a burden without proper reasoning or positive results, it hurts the innocent far more than it helps the burdened.

As old people often say, “In my day, we did this and that.” It sounds trite, but it is true! In my day, some aspects of daily life were worse, but some were better. While the good things in life often come from technology, making our world safer and more comfortable, many of the bad things come from social influencing and lack of understanding of risks or statistics.

Risk consists of two components, likelihood and consequence. When we focus on the consequence more than the likelihood, we may miss opportunities like a life saving operation where death from the operation is one in a thousand. On the other hand, if we focus on high likelihood of a consequence, but the consequence is very low, like striking out in a baseball game, we miss out on competition and experiences.

If you can’t handle a one in a thousand risk here and there, you’re going to have a boring life. Yet many shy away from potential joy or gain when a risk is one in a million, or less. But that is certainly your choice! It may help, however, to spend some time analyzing common risks we take every day. Would you do something where the odds of dying from this thing in your lifetime are 1 in 100? Maybe not, but if you don’t, you will never ride in a car. Actual odds of injury or death for certain activities can be seen on the National Safety Council website.

https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/all-injuries/preventable-death-overview/odds-of-dying/

As stated by NSC, “Fear is natural and healthy. It can help us respond to danger more quickly or avoid a dangerous situation altogether. It can also cause us to worry about the wrong things, especially when it comes to estimating our level of risk.
If we overestimate our risk in one area, it can lead to anxiety and interfere with carrying out our normal daily routine. Ironically, it also leads us to underestimate real risks that can injure or kill us.
It can be difficult to accurately assess the biggest risks we face. Plane crashes, being struck by lightning, or being attacked by a dog are common fears, but what about falls, the danger inside a bottle of pills, or your drive to work?”

I think it important for parents to have a handle on risks, rewards, natural fears, and unhealthy fears when raising their children. Knowing the risks of certain activities, regarding both likelihood and consequence, is helpful and imperative for you and your children’s happiness and safety! Some parents are risk averse and may cheat their children of fun and learning, while others are overly risk tolerant, sacrificing too much safety. There is a middle ground which may vary for each family and person. And vary it does!

Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

0 Comments

The Character of Children

8/16/2021

2 Comments

Reposted from August 2018

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” —Frederick Douglass

When I was a new father, it never occurred to me to be a life coach. Sure, my wife and I would teach our children practical things like colors, numbers, dos and don’ts, and simple manners. But developing character wasn’t on my radar. As my children grew physically and as I grew in maturity as a dad, it dawned on me that having values and good character were at least as important as having an academic education.

As the oldest child of six, in a mostly single-parent home, life lessons were more basic and most certainly of short term value during my childhood. There is no doubt that my siblings and I suffered from a lack of character training. There were issues of confidence, respect, self-control, attitude, and ethics lacking in varying degrees among us. Without an early introduction of these tenets, it can take time to work things out--if we ever do. Given that we are sometimes born without certain values, then the absence of character training can become a huge obstacle in one’s life!

My wife and I wanted our children to have every advantage in meeting all of life’s challenges. Encouraging them in their studies and correcting behavior as necessary were obvious responsibilities as parents, but I began to do more as I learned more myself. I would often write notes and thoughts to encourage and teach them (example). Surely, they thought I was a little square, maybe even a nerdy dad. But that was okay with me, and they knew I cared.

I don’t know how much thought goes into character building by other parents, but their actions are teaching character every day. It’s obvious from this fact that our character matters quite a bit. From The Power of Dadhood, “A father must have good character to use his influence properly. Having good character and knowing how to influence others, using respect and being respectful, you will have all the tools necessary to be an outstanding Dad.” *

So what makes up character? Here are a few areas to look at.

Respect – Respect is many things! It is an appreciation for what’s given to or shared with you. It is acceptance of proper authority. It is an admiration for those you trust. It is deference to those who know better. Children must learn that when no respect is given, no respect will be received.

Patience – Simply stated, patience is the ‘delay of gratification’. It is self-control. This is one of the most important principles for success. Children that can do what’s best for themselves before doing what is most pleasing at the time will be more successful than an impetuous child that wants dessert before dinner or who wants to play in the pool, but not take swimming lessons. Aristotle stated, “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.”

Confidence – This is a two-edged sword. False confidence without ability can be disastrous. Ability without confidence can be wasteful and inefficient. Therefore, building confidence must be groomed and supervised, one of a parent’s most important responsibilities. Challenge your kids with incrementally tough but achievable tasks to build their confidence. Also, “What a father does to prepare his children for the challenges of life will likely be different from their mother’s approach”.

Courage – With absorbed confidence comes greater courage to try new challenges. Trying new challenges, whether successful or not, will create true growth. Parent’s need to gently coax their children to face their fears. Sometimes, it is best to suggest a dip of a toe in the water of fear. Other times it might (with good judgement) be best to jump right in.

“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” —Brendan Francis Behan

Fairness – I just recently wrote an article on fairness. In short, I suggest not letting your children expect fairness in life while teaching them to be as fair as possible to others. People can be fair but often they are not. Nature has no concept of fairness. Lightning can strike anyone. Fairness to others includes honesty and integrity. Integrity will fight the unfairness of peer pressure. Fairness is good and real. Expecting fairness is a trap to avoid.

Attitude – Attitude is how you dress your brain. Will it be shorts or long pants? Bright or Gothic? Business or casual? You shouldn’t wear shorts or be Gothic-casual to an interview. Nor would you wear business attire to the beach. One’s attitude can change, but it must match the occasion. As a parent, you help your kids develop good attitudes by supporting good attitudes. A good attitude is a key ingredient in achieving goals, having confidence, and being persistent, and is important in being likable.

Values – Building character in your children is basically teaching the values you deem most important.
It is in the home . . .

where children should learn kindness, goodness, values, discipline, and manners.
where children should find understanding, care, and comfort.
where successful lives should begin, with open minds, encouragement, and love.
where compassion should exist, where the safety nets of our children’s failures are made of rubber bands, ready to sling them back into the world—stronger, wiser, and with new momentum.

When the home is successful then your children will ‘Have basic values you always live by, such as:

Respect for others
Honesty and integrity in all you do

Doing what is best and not what is easiest’

When your children have self-worth and acceptance from family, then they won’t look elsewhere for it.
Looking for acceptance can become more important than having values.…children can try new things and be influenced by others, but the values you have molded will remain.

Not always will our efforts bear fruit any more than the apple tree I planted six years ago. But someday that tree will bear fruit unlike the trees I never planted. Do your due diligence as a mother, a father, and a mentor. We owe it to our children!

* All italicized sentences are excerpts from my book, “The Power of Dadhood – How to become the Father Your Child Needs”

2 Comments

Put Pressure On Your Kids, To Keep the Pressure Off!

8/2/2021

1 Comment

“I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.”
A 15 year old

By being tough on your kids and placing them in pressure situations, you can help them handle pressure in the future, pressure that often comes from forces outside the home. As a young teen, I was riding with some boys who decided to smash mailboxes with a baseball bat. I didn’t want to do that, but I didn’t know how to get out of it-not having the moxie to object. Although I wasn’t actively involved, I was part of the problem.

Many of us performed destructive acts when growing up. A few people might look back and think "that was fun", or a rite of passage. Many others just went along with the crowd either out of fear or just to fit in. Still others can’t explain why they acted destructively. Of course, young people still do things that don't make sense.

This is not about being mischievous or inquisitive. All kids learn about life, rules, and limits by experimentation and participation, and not always in the smartest of ways. But anti-social behavior, experimenting with drugs, drinking, making fun of others (outside of friendly banter with friends), being destructive, mean, or uncouth are not activities that can be easily overlooked.

Some reasons young people exhibit anti-social behavior.

A social disorder like ADHD
A lack of self-esteem
Frustration
Family environment
Peer pressure

Parents are a major factor, or an influence, in all of these reasons, even deciding on treatment for ADHD.

Self-esteem can be nurtured with positive talk, support, and demonstrated love. On the other hand, kids can be depressed or filled with frustration when they are ignored, belittled, or never praised by their parents. Lacking self-esteem, young people look for ways to create it themselves. Their immaturity will often do so in the wrong ways, with bravado and/or looking for affection in the wrong places.

Frustration happens to all of us. The key here is to talk about frustration and how it handle it. Perhaps more important is being an example, someone who doesn't panic or lose their temper when frustrated. What you do is more important than what you say!

Family environment is very important! Parents of troubled children often show a high level of antisocial behavior themselves. In one study, the parents of delinquent boys were more often alcoholic or criminal, and their homes were frequently disrupted by divorce, separation or the absence of a parent.

While boys are most likely to cause physical damage when getting into mischief, girls are not immune to their own brand of rebellion. Besides less disruptive acts like smoking and drinking, girls can rebel or look for approval through sexual activity. Parents who have have the ear and respect of their daughters can save them from terrible decisions. Mistakes in sex are particularly punishing to young females.

Continuing with daughters, I state in The Power of Dadhood,

“Many times the father will be “hated” by his daughter for doing what is right for her. Do what you must anyway—she doesn’t really hate you. She’s really tricking herself, and you, to see if you really care enough to be engaged in her life. Her ego may actually be angry, but her real being will feel love and protection. The ego’s anger will fade, and your daughter’s love will grow. This is difficult to believe sometimes, but if you are not unreasonable in your demands and really show concern for her, no amount of proper interference will ever harm your relationship.”

Lastly is peer pressure. A kid can fight peer pressure in several ways. Again, the parents are key! Here’s how:

Strong values: Kids who have been taught strong values seldom find themselves in sticky situations. They find friends with similar values and are not tempted to do something they should not.

Restrictions: Good parents have restrictions, keeping their children out of potentially dangerous and uncomfortable situations.

Respect: Good parents are respected and their children do not want to let them down. Their true friends will understand this and won’t even suggest destructive or anti-social behavior to them. And kids with good parents will admit to friends or acquaintances, of not being willing to disappoint, or letting down their parents.

Summary:

When your children get into trouble, there are few reasons that do not have something to do with how they were raised. Learn the ropes of being a parent. It’s not always instinctive. Learn from others. Have rules. Be consistent. Take time to know what is going on in the lives of your children. It's not easy, but it is rewarding!

1 Comment

Seven Thoughts about Being a Dad

7/26/2021

5 Comments

I’m a grandfather who, upon retirement, is looking back at fatherhood hoping to help fathers of today. I loved being a dad, and being a grandfather may be even better. Here are seven ideas I found from my experiences, which are critically important to understand when raising kids.

1.       Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.

Most dads say “I love you” to their kids. Some never say it. But for those of us that do, it can get to be routine. That’s not to say to stop saying it, but there are other ways of saying I love you that pierce right into their hearts! Special moments can be found where just eye contact will let them know you care and that they are very important to you.

2.       Don’t treat all your kids the same.

Have your heard of the “average” kid. Well, he/she does not exist! The average kid is a statistic. Of course you will find common traits in kids such as being, shy, active, loud, picky, anxious, careless, it goes on and on. This fact means you can’t treat kids the same. Your interactions should be tailored to their needs because every kid is different socially, regarding behavior, intellectually etc. Of course they should all be treated fairly, but it would not be fair to treat them all the same.

3.       Your children want to be disciplined.

You kids will fight you and challenge you at every turn--until they know the routine. If you are consistent, they will know arguing is useless and they won’t do it after a while. As they get older, there will be rules they don’t care for and they will try to talk you out of them. “You must be home by 11 PM” you say. “But dad, my friends can stay out until midnight!” Sometimes you can and should give in, but if you have hard and fast, but reasonable rules, then stick to them. The rules tell them you care enough about them that you want them to grow safely into responsible adults. Their ego will be angry but their true being will love you!

4.       You are not your wife.

You are a dad, a man. You are not their mother, a woman. You are different and teach different things in different ways. Of course parents must discuss discipline and values, compromise if necessary, and be on the same page on important factors. But do things with your kids that their mom wouldn’t do. Have special routines with your kids. Be yourself. If one parent is a little easier going, then the other parent may be more responsible. If these styles can be balanced in the family, that is good. Better than both being easy going--or both being tough all the time. But never work against each other as parents!

5.       They will watch what you do more than what you say.

Your kids are very observant. They pick up your habits very easily--the way you talk, the way you treat people, the way you treat your wife. Most importantly they will notice if you keep your word. They will learn from you that words do have meaning. When you do what you say, then they will know what you say is worth listening to.

6.       Don’t ever involve them in your private marital issues.

No matter how old, never complain to your kids about their mom. They may know about what you’re unhappy about, but they don’t want to hear it from you. Why upset your children about something in which they have no say or have no fault? When you complain to them, you are the one that doesn’t look good in their eyes.

7.       You will regret the gaps.

I have memory gaps involving each of my children. Certain ages they went through can be forgotten. It may be you don’t remember your son playing violin one year, or you recall your daughter playing softball, but it is a blur. Their first days of school, the vacation you couldn’t make, the name of their best friends, are all precious times and facts that deserve remembering. Although we shouldn’t live in the past, we also shouldn’t be without a story. The stories of family will warm you when you are in your last days. A fond memory lost is worse than almost any object lost. Therefore, take photos, tell stories of the past to keep them alive, don’t miss special occasions, and when you do things with your kids be there all the way, in mind and spirit. Not doing this will result in forgetting certain moments which will be treasured even more in the future.

Summary

These are things I learned as a dad. I failed at times on all of them as you will likely do as well. But if we keep these lessons in mind, our failures will be minimized and our roles as fathers will be of great value to our children!

5 Comments

A Long Ago Childhood of Freedom and Innocence

7/13/2021

12 Comments

Me with my brother Steve and sister Susan, circa 1957

Times are different now, as each generation will say without fail.

When I was a kid, especially in those prime years when I was old enough to ride a two-wheeler, yet young enough to still enjoy collecting baseball cards, I would spend some of my summer days never seeing my mom. She was home at that time, but I was outside from morning to dusk. I woke up faster then. All it took was to see the angling rays of the sun peeking in my room and the distant voices of my friends. I would pop-up, put on my clothes, which were likely the same ones I had dropped by my bed the night before, pulled down my cap, and ran outside before my mom could corral me.

Every day was an adventure, conjured up as the day went along, with the entire neighborhood as our playground. A nearby field of high grass or weeds would be the perfect place for my friends and I to wander into, far enough not to be seen. Then we would stomp down an area that would be our fort, or hideaway. I’m sure there were bugs and heat in the hottest months, but I don’t remember that so much. Creeks were the best ever! My friends and I would make temporary dams to see if we could create a lake. Versions of hide and seek, war--yes war, and exploring were pastimes that came about without planning or organizing. All seemed to happen spontaneously!

Bikes were essential then. Your bike was your transportation, your chariot, your identity. Rarely did I or my friends ride on the seat. We would peddle fast, standing up as the bike swayed left then right. As we neared our destination, we would swing our right leg around to the left side of the bike, then jumped off running—sometimes letting our bike go to land wherever.

Hunger was never noticed--until interrupted, heads tilted, hearing one of the mothers calling out saying, ‘lunch is ready, come home’. Most of the time we didn’t want to stop for lunch. You can’t ride a bike, carry a stick as a sword, and eat a sandwich at the same time! The sandwich had to wait. Besides, what if you or your friends couldn’t come back out?

There were only three TV channels back then. The kid shows, like ‘Captain Kangaroo’ and cartoons, which would be called violent today, were on in the mornings, but not much of a draw unless it was raining. No video games, of course. We did not learn the hand-eye coordination or develop the manual hand dexterity kids currently have. But I bet we could out-run, out-throw, and out-imagine any kid today! The closest thing I had to a video game was when I took a piece of cardboard, taped it on a dresser, drew on some dials, grabbed a chair and a broom handle, and pretended to fly an airplane. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to fly upside down, so I took my shortened broomstick, stood on my bed, and bent as far down as I could to be kind-of upside down, hoping I could handle steering an airplane while blood was rushing to my head. When I stood up erect again, my confidence was shaken a little. It turns out it is easier doing it for real.

We moved quite a bit. Often I lived in the city where alleys substituted for creeks, and hiding in a field was a little tougher--but hiding in general was easier. In one place, we lived on the top floor of a six-unit apartment building. We had a black metal landing with stairs that zigzagged down to the small, common backyard. I was looking out from our third floor landing one morning when I was about 10 years old, watching traffic and counting how many cars were Fords and how many were Chevys. Suddenly but softly, I heard the lady on the second floor singing. I leaned over the rail and could see into her window, the top half opened, as she was taking a shower. It was the first time I recall seeing a woman’s breasts. I remember getting a little weak in the knees and had to sit down, feeling a little guilty for what I had just seen.

My friends and I didn’t have much room to play stick ball, but we made do in the alley. Balls that ricocheted off garages were in play. Bases were often telephone poles or Buicks, and usually a chunk of busted up concrete or a smashed trash can lid became second base. Once, just like one of those old movies you see about Babe Ruth as a kid, I hit a ball (not a real baseball) that was hit high and far, yet foul. It broke a neighbor’s window. We scattered like roaches will do when you turn on the lights--a scene all too familiar to me back then. My dad, who rarely was home with us, asked what happened since I was out of breath--after all, it was the third floor! I sheepishly told him I broke a window. I think he told me to go face up to it. At least I hope he did, but I really can’t remember that part.

In the summer between 3rd and 4th grades, I would walk a little over a mile to Forest Park in St. Louis on my own. I enjoyed the freedom and adventure. To get there, I walked down DeBaliviere Strip, as it was known then, and passed a nightclub that had photos in a glass display of their star attraction. It said ‘Come see Evelyn Wood and her “$50,000 Treasure Chest”’. I knew what that meant.

There are tall apartment buildings on the west side of Forest Park that I remember watching as they were being built. I would sit on a bench in the park across Skinker Blvd and watch, fascinated, as the cranes lifted beams and huge pails of concrete to the higher floors. To see those buildings today is comforting, proving my past remembrances are real. It seems most of my childhood memories are packed between 8-10 years of age. It may have been because they were the happiest.

I don’t expect parents to allow the freedom to their children that I had back then. I’m not sure the world is more dangerous, but the greatly expanded media gives the impression, true or false, that it is. Moms aren’t home as much either. When they are, half the time the kids are in a minivan being taxied to one activity or another. When todays’ 8-10 year olds grow up, I hope they will have similar memories of fun times, with friends or alone, that are void of parents or camp counselors. I know kids still have these skills of imagination and adventure if left alone. That is the main reason I have a place in the country for my grandchildren to explore as they grow up. There is a large creek nearby, a tire swing, room to run and places to explore. I hope their upcoming adventures become memories that will make them smile as these memories have made me smile deep within.

PS. Just as I published this post, a friend posted this article on Facebook. Parent Trap. Interesting thoughts. Somewhere, there must be a balance.

(Originally posted in July 2014)

12 Comments