Helping Fathers Become Dads - MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood

A Dadhood Creed

3/2/2020

Thoughts from "The Power of Dadhood"

I came across a famous quote by Rev. William J. H. Boetcke which has often been incorrectly attributed to President Abraham Lincoln. When I saw the quote, one of my favorites, it reminded me of the principles in my book on parenting, The Power of Dadhood. I thought it might work to summarize some of the principles in 'Dadhood' in a similar fashion to Rev. Boetcke's statements.

These 131 words will not be all you need to be a good parent. It would be akin to floating in the ocean and claiming you know everything about the sea. But if it makes you think, that's a good thing. For instance, you may consider treating all your children the same as a good thing. That's not the same as treating them all fairly. Every child is a separate human being with different needs. Some kids need to be pushed while others need to be pulled back. Disagreeing with anything in the creed should encourage you to delve more deeply into the topic.

Raising your children successfully, with principles, may not bring you fortune and fame, but it will give your children a great start in life and bring to you and your family a good name.

by Rev. William J. H. Boetcke

25 Ways to Fail Your Children

2/24/2020

Photo by the author

Funny thing. Successful people have the most failures in life. For instance, failure is a key in lifting weights. If you can't bench press 100 pounds, you try 75 pounds or lower until you succeed, working your way back to 100 pounds and more! Failure is an excellent tool for learning because of the tremendous feedback it provides.

However, some failures are difficult from which to recover, because the feedback comes much too late - if noticed at all. One failure that concerns me personally, and should concern everyone, is the failure of some parents to raise their children properly, particularly during their early years. See bad advice #23 below.

But you’re not off the hook when your child reaches kindergarten. There is so much fine-tuning to do. Kids learn more from what you do than what you say. So, with tongue deeply implanted in my cheek, here is advice on how to be a bad parent.

How to be a bad parent

Ignore who your children spend time with. They know what they’re doing.
Show them how easy it is to give up on dreams and projects. You know, like you did.
Be indecisive because something better may come along while you’re chillin’.
Make excuses for missing their ballgames, plays, dance recitals, etc. That will teach them how to make excuses themselves.
Dispel and discourage any passions they may have. You don’t want them to fail, do you? Besides, it may cost money to allow them to follow those passions!
Don’t introduce them to books or travel with them. When they tell you about fairies, princesses, superheroes, or having their super skills, let them know that stuff isn’t real. Those pretend tea-parties are such a bore!
Assume your kids’ hearing and eyesight are both perfect. They would tell you if it wasn’t. Wouldn’t they?
Argue with your spouse in front of them. That will teach them proper negotiation skills.
When your children get frustrated, tell them to just give up. It’s so much easier for them, and especially for you!
Don’t help them with schoolwork. If they can’t figure it out, your kids will learn to avoid that topic.
When your kids are afraid of something, keep them from it. Better yet, use those fears against them when they bother you.
Don’t be fun. Kids have friends for that. Your time is too valuable.
Change your mind about what they can and cannot do. Change the rules. That will keep them on their toes!
Don’t let your children look up to successful role models. Don’t they think you’re good enough!
Feed them fast food. It saves so much time, and your kids will love you more!
Respect their privacy on the computer and smartphones. It keeps them out of your hair.
Tell your child they’ll never amount to anything. That will inspire them to do the opposite, right?
If they are confident, let them know failure is just a stumble away.
Tell them not to stand out as a good example or to raise their hand in class. Other kids don’t like it when you make them look bad.
Tell them not to expect too much from life. Disappointment is SO disappointing!
Don’t restrict their behavior. Being disrespectful or ungrateful shows independence.
Don’t tell your children you love them. Of course, they know that because you let them do whatever they want to do.
When they are babies and toddlers, they won’t remember any nice things you did like holding them or reading to them. Save nice things for when they are older so you can get credit.
Make fun of others. Your kids will think you are clever.
Never challenge them to be better. Why make things more difficult for them?

Lastly and seriously, DON’T USE NEGATIVE LANGUAGE like this article! BE POSITIVE AND ENCOURAGING when talking to your children!

SARCASM IS JUST A TOOL FOR WRITING, NOT FOR RAISING CHILDREN.

Summary

Of course, the vast majority of parents do a great job. But possibly, SOME of us may be guilty (maybe without realizing it) of SOME of these 25 pieces of bad advice. Be there, be aware, and be fair!

#powerofdadhood

The Right Stuff (of Fatherhood)

2/3/2020

Having the 'right stuff' will give him the 'right stuff'.

“No man stands so straight as when he stoops to help a child.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

The book and movie about America’s first astronauts are both entitled, The Right Stuff. It is about heroic, fearless men who had special skills and perfect health. For this awesome responsibility, specific skills and health requirements were absolutely necessary, the right stuff essential to perform the tasks assigned to them. It didn’t matter if these men were slow runners, had bald heads, or were born in New Jersey. They could be self-centered, egotistical, or have small penises because these things did not matter in regards to being an astronaut. I am not suggesting in any way that the original astronauts had any of these characteristics. My point is that the “right stuff” is different stuff for unique situations. Of course, some jobs, like being an astronaut, are more glamorous than others, but each job or task needs the right stuff to be successful. My question to men is this, “Do you have the right stuff to be a father?”

But what characteristics define the ‘right stuff’ of Dadhood? I think the majority of us know in our hearts what it takes! And if we know, why don’t we exhibit, or carry out the ‘right stuff’? It’s a good question because if all fathers could be the mentors and nurturers their children need, there would be far less poverty, crime, drug use, etc. But first, let’s discuss what constitutes the ‘right stuff’:

The Right Stuff to be a Dad (see, Appendix A of ‘The Power of Dadhood’)

A father who has the right stuff is:

Involved in his family and children’s lives.
Principled, having values that can be emulated by your children.
Consistent, setting rules and standards of behavior that are understood and rarely change.
Loving, gentle, and kind, who gives full attention to his children when important in both good times and bad.
Fun, who plays and jokes around when appropriate, who takes children on adventures when possible.
Passionate, showing enthusiasm for their Dadhood and family.
Balanced – involved but not too involved – principled but not preachy – fun but also respected –loving but not a pushover – and consistent but not inflexible.

Why do some fathers not have the ‘Right Stuff’?

Some fathers who lack the right stuff: *

Were never raised with a father having the ‘right stuff’ and have to start near zero.
Have no confidence in their parenting.
Are very busy.
Are blocked by the mother from access or influence.
Have personalities not conducive to having the right stuff.
Have addictions.
Are selfish, lazy, or irresponsible.
Have no interest.

Fortunately, most fathers have a good amount of the ‘right stuff.’ Also, most of the situations that can hinder a father from being his best can be surmounted. Admittedly, some of these hindrances are not easily overcome. Dads can learn by asking, reading, and observing. They can reevaluate the time they spend at their jobs. They can look in the mirror and ask themselves if they could do better. All obstacles are essential to overcome!

Summary

Parenting takes time, effort, and patience. Dads have unique complications, just as moms do. Dads must recognize and understand them. A college degree and good looks are not required. Nor are money, a big ego, or perfection. One cannot snap their finger and become a better parent. It takes work, dedication, and caring! With some of the characteristics of a good father described above, and by recognizing the hindrances many encounter, any father can look within and find small ways in which to improve his fathering skills.

* 24 million children (34%) live absent their biological fathers

#powerofdadhood

It Depends on What You Mean by 'Happy'

1/13/2020

I don’t think being happy should be a goal - unless you’re a kid. I believe happy should be a result or by-product of something worthwhile. Here are my beliefs on happiness within a family!

When I was a young boy, there was not much to be happy about. But there were a few months I look back on that were simply joyous! The key to my contentment in those few months was being carefree. For a child, being carefree is synonymous with happiness. But what allows a child to be carefree discounting their groans of ‘who gets to go first,’ or ‘that’s not fair’? Its parents loving, nurturing, and protecting them - and each other.

Parents, on the other hand, don’t have the luxury of being carefree. Having a family to protect and raise is one of life’s most precious gifts and most harrowing responsibilities. Aristotle said, “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” I’m assuming Aristotle intended this quote for adults because most kids are not ready for that kind of mature thinking. Adults do have to depend on themselves to do what’s right and accept what they can’t control. So how do parents find happiness? I believe they find it by successfully meeting their responsibilities and goals!

The following is an excerpt from a memoir I am currently writing. I use it here to demonstrate the pure happiness I had as a child, and why it happened for a few months in 1958 when I was eight-years-old.

The House with a Big Tree

“He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.”
~ Johann von Goethe, German poet

I wonder about the reminiscences of those who were fortunate enough to have somewhat more conventional families and lives. What stayed with them? Do those memories make them smile? If it’s anything like the few months we lived in a small house with a big tree in Caseyville, Illinois, then I understand how wonderful it can be to live happily with an unburdened heart creating memories to cherish!

My personal Shangri-La passed much too quickly in the late 1950s. I remember the joy, the carefree feelings of waking in the morning, and promptly running outside to find my friends, not willing to miss one minute of fun being outdoors. There were times when I didn’t want to go home for lunch because I didn’t want to interrupt the joy. I remember the house, the curving, dead-end, street on which we lived, and the big tree which we climbed; it may have been an oak shading our front yard. I remember my brown and white, shaggy mutt, named Frisky, and how he would meet me halfway between the school bus stop and home. I had a bike and friends with which to ride. Nothing ever planned, but each day burst with activity for my brother Steve and me. At that particular time in my childhood, home life was what ‘normal’ was for most. I had a brother two years younger, two toddler sisters, and a newborn brother. My mom stayed at home with us, and my dad worked as a truck driver for a decent salary. We rented a small but comfortable four-room house with station wagon less than five years old in the driveway. Most importantly, however, I remember that there was something near peacefulness in my home.

It was during this short period of family bliss in Caseyville, Illinois that a rare, almost unique, father-son occasion occurred that I will never forget. I had somehow discovered a love of baseball. Up to this time, I had rarely played in pick-up games, but I enjoyed following the St. Louis Cardinals in the ‘Big Show.’ I always listened to their games on the radio, visualizing the action the voices were describing. The discussions between plays taught me the game and a love of conversation. One night my mom suggested to my dad to take me to watch the Cardinals at Sportsman’s Park, recently renamed Busch Stadium for the new owner, August Busch. To actually see the ballpark and players described every summer night by Harry Caray rarely crossed my mind. It was my make-believe world! One evening, my father surprisingly accepted my Mom’s request and took me to see the Cardinals play. Not surprisingly, we got there late and left early. Dad was not a sports fan in the least, but I was so thankful that he took me!

Beyond my expectations were the beautiful, lush, green grass on the field, the size of the enormous scoreboard in left field, and an impressive Anheuser-Busch sign with an eagle poking his head through an ’A’ that prominently flapped its wings when a Cardinal hit a home run. I don’t remember the Cardinals opponents that night, but I do remember seeing outfielder Wally Moon hit a home run, prompting the eagle to flap its stuttering wings atop the scoreboard while a bright red bird flew neon- sign-to-neon-sign behind the left-field stands. It was a special night! To this day, I struggle to talk openly about this memory without welling and tearing up.

I stop there because I want to stay positive. This wonderful time of my childhood came about for two reasons. 1) My father had stopped drinking and was taking care of his family. 2) Because of this sober hiatus of his, I was allowed to be carefree. The fairy tale didn’t last because he started being irresponsible once more, and the carefree days gave in to worry. The few months of bliss was due to a simple formula – responsible parents allowing kids to be carefree.

Summary

I think blind, unadulterated, unearned happiness is for children to enjoy – i.e., when the circumstances allow it. For parents, there is work to do because there is no earned happiness without overcoming challenges. But being a parent is the perfect challenge to seize upon, working through frustrations, hard days and nights, crises, and multiple failures. Then seeing the rewards coming on the other side of all that, happiness will be assured. I know just seeing my children and grandchildren happy is all I need!

Happiness is not getting a full-house; it’s getting a house that’s full of love and caring. It is simply a by-product of doing something good for another.

#powerofdadhood

All Dads are Fathers, Not All Fathers are Dads

1/6/2020

Fathers miss out on being 'dads' for several reasons, but the most common are:

1) No fatherly example to follow or,
2) Being too busy

'Having no example to follow' can occur when growing up without a father or father figure, at least one worthy of following. That situation can be an excuse for a while, but any man can find help if they want it. I suggest looking for parenting books, blogs, or experienced friends. Or just be loving and available, and you will quickly learn.

'Being too busy' can be from a need to support one's family, but it can also be from being too selfish with one's time. The most important thing you can give your family is time! You must find a way.

Here's help

About three years ago, I wrote 16 differences between a father and a dad in a video slide presentation. In reviewing the video, these differences remain true and are critical for any father to understand. I encourage you to watch for the first time or the 16th time.

Knowing the differences between a father and a dad has the potential of being the most valuable 3 minutes and 32 seconds you will ever spend as a father (or mother). It’s quick! Even TV commercial breaks last longer than this video - so watch it while the toothpaste, beer, and ‘My Pillow’ ads play for the 10,000th time as you watch “Big Bang Theory” or "Friends" reruns (we all need down time).

Take Note!

Something not mentioned in the video is an important fact. A parent’s influence diminishes quickly over time! You cannot wait in your need to establish rules and values as habits your children will carry throughout their lives. If you haven’t been engaged, yet, and your child is 3, 8, 16, or 21 years old, you are way late, but engage anyway. It's never too late.

Thank you for following “Helping Fathers to be Dads” and reading “The Power of Dadhood.” I have seen how being loving, engaged, and involved in your children's lives means everything to your family. I have also seen what occurs when that doesn't happen. Choose to be a Dad!

Mike Smith

The Greatest Reward!

11/25/2019

What is the greatest reward a man, who is also a father, can ever hope to receive? Well, I have my thoughts on that, and I will share them. But first, I have written a book and about 400 blog articles on parenting in the past eight years, most of which concern a father’s role. That doesn’t imply I’m an expert on the topic, but I do study and give it a lot of thought. What I do claim to be is a provocateur meaning I like to bring up thoughts on parenting allowing people give them more attention than they otherwise may have. My opinions are mine. I only hope for the reader to have a discussion in their head, with a co-parent, or someone else, about what I said. Parents should raise their children with purposeful and intelligent intent.

Parenting is not easy! It is such an enormous responsibility, yet you only have so much control. Most of that control comes in the first three years of your child’s life, falling off slowly, then very quickly. That's truly a good thing. It's a transition of power where the need for protection lessens and the need for growth and self empowerment for your child grows. It must take place. But that doesn’t mean you stop being a mom or dad. It does mean you have to be smart about what you say and do to be effective. The best way to be an intelligent parent is to listen, read, and have a good plan, for when you do so and follow it well, the rewards are incredible!

I asked a few dads with whom I have become familiar, to pass on to me some things their children have written to them on their birthdays, Father’s Day, or any day - particularly their older children. I like to share a few of these genuine and loving passages and imagine how these fathers may have reacted. I admit I shed a few tears reading them.

“Dad, what haven’t you taught me? How to throw a baseball, how to drive a car, or even how to mow the lawn. Most importantly, I learned things just by watching you. Things like how to treat people, what is important in life, and never give up.”

“Oh Papa, I adore everything about you!”

“Dad, you have taught me what it is like to be loved unconditionally! I can see that you love me through and through.”

“Dad, I remember us building snowmen together, coloring at my very own little table, our first trip to the zoo together, our walks and car rides!”

“I remember just spending time together – snuggling, reading, walking around the house in circles, playing with toys. My wish for myself is to always have lots of adventures, dates, and moments together. We make quite a team, don’t we?!”

“What I admire about you is your calm demeanor, your patience, your constant support, your modesty, your success, the father that you are!”

“Dad, here are some things you have taught me.

How to change my perspective and view the big picture
How to appreciate the beauty of things
That worry is wasted energy
What it feels like to be loved unconditionally”

“Dad, I remember I was washing the dishes after dinner – all of the sudden the music got louder – much louder. You pulled me from the sink, wet hands and all, and danced with me in the kitchen!”

“As a dad…you are such a steady, calm, loving presence in my life. You are always there when I need you. Always - for big things or when I just need a hug. Talking to you makes me feel better – loved, heard, understood, and valued.”

“You forgive my mistakes and perfections, and you celebrate my strengths. You don’t expect me to be perfect (even if I tend to expect that in myself). You are the best listener I know, and that has been a constant source of support my whole life.”

“The older I get, the more I realize how rare it is for women to have strong, open, real relationships with their dads. I don’t take for granted our time together. I love hanging out with you, and I think the feeling is mutual."

These are very fortunate fathers, indeed. If they are anything like me, I’m confident they may have wondered if they really deserved the praise. But it is more important that their children believe it! I do know you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a loved father. We know that perfection is impossible, and our kids also know. Children want guidance so dearly, yet stealthily. They won’t come up to you and say, “Hit me up with some good advice and philosophy!” No, it is up to you to pick the right moments to say the right things – and to look for those moments. When you do, the greatest rewards will follow; and very important to know is not all of them will be written down or said out loud!

Good luck!
#powerofdadhood

The Danube River: Beauty, History, and Family Inspiration

11/13/2019

The Danube in Austria

My wife, Kathy, and I are now completing a river cruise on the Danube. Amazing sights and new memories to enrich our lives. Each region was beautiful, with natural and architectural beauty, rich history, arts, various cultures, etc. I wondered how I could take advantage of this experience and relate it to my retirement mission of Helping Fathers to be Dads. Let’s see what I learned from our visits.

Prague, Czech Republic

Prague, Czech Republic is where my wife and I flew into Europe before our tour down the Danube. Prague is a large medieval city of ancient buildings, multiple spires, rolling hills, and breathtaking views. Walking the streets reminded me of how families in Europe walk their towns and villages with their children. Toddlers in bright clothes, bundled up in the crisp fall weather. Babies in strollers with blankets tucked around them, the eyes of the little ones scanning their world and people walking by. Parents and children exploring or merely spending time together are ordinary, especially on weekends - a European tradition.

Thought: Of course, strollers can be seen in America also, but mostly when visiting zoos or amusement parks. Not often will you see an entire family strolling in their neighborhoods or town centers together. Family time in America is spent on various scheduled activities, too often separate from each other.

Passau, Germany

Passau, Germany, is small, a picturesque town in Bavaria that draws millions of visitors each year. It is known as "City of Three Rivers" because the Danube is joined there by the Inn from the south and the Ilz from the north. This unique situation is why its first inhabitants settled there over 5000 years ago. The emerald green waters of the Inn River meet the Danube, while not quite blue, can look a bit turquoise at certain times when the sun is out. The Ilz River is the smallest of the three. All three rivers merge making them a blend of the characteristics of each but stronger together.

Thought: Similar to the three rivers of Passau, the rivers of a family (father, mother, and children) are different on their own, but create a fourth identity together, and hopefully flow together as one, strongly-united, family.

Gottwieg Abby

Lenz, Austria, was home to Gottwieg Abbey. The views from the mountaintop, where the Abbey, built centuries ago, are bucolic and breathtaking. Views of the wine fertile Wachau Valley, the Danube, nearby forests, the patchwork of vineyards, and the town of Krems are laid out for miles below. The Abbey itself is ornate and a testament to the dedication of the monks who vow never marry and to live a simple, prayerful life in this beautiful location their entire lives.

Thought: The dedication of the monks to their purposeful life, and to their beautiful Abbey, remind me of the commitment required to have a nurturing and comfortable family life. With a devotion to family and comfort in their homes, any family will have serenity in their future, if not their daily lives.

Vienna, Austria, a city of culture and coffee houses, is very busy and classy! Art, food, history, and music fill the air! Church bells ring, visitors shop and take photos, and everyone stops in the numerous coffee shops to warm up from the crisp, fall weather with a pastry, and maybe an expresso. We interrupted our scenic walking tour and ordered Café Americano and the best apple strudel I ever tasted as we met and conversed with new friends!

Thought: Every family should find time for joy and conversation, creating memories and experiences common to all. It will draw everyone in the family into a common bond that will last, providing cherished traditions to the following generations.

Modern and old, Bratislava, Slovakia

Bratislava, Slovakia, was once behind the Iron Curtain as part of Czechoslovakia. This city of a few hundred thousand suffered in decay during four decades under Communist rule, but now much is new with skyscrapers and low unemployment. While under communism, there was no growth, little freedom, and no ability to travel outside the Iron Curtain. For forty years the citizenry was robbed of their ability to express themselves or to work to improve their situation. With the fall of the Iron Curtain in 1989-90, those under 50 years of age had never know freedom and a plurality of choice. The stories of our guides who lived under the Communist regime brought the reality of our good fortune to have escaped that hopeless and bleak experience.

Thought: Parents must let their children understand history to put into perspective the hope and dreams that are available to them. These gifts are often taken for granted; and seem self-evident rights we all should have, but have come at considerable costs.

The Parliament Building, Budapest Hungary

Budapest Hungary is a city perfect for romance. At night, this city shines with golden lights on bridges and buildings with architecture that proves beauty is worth time and expense. The Danube glimmers as it reflects the thousands of lights of the city, separating the formerly separate burgs of Buda and Pest. Budapest is one of the crown jewels of Europe, but also with tragedy in its past. Having been invaded by the Nazis of Germany and Communists of Russia, death, and torture were common. Today’s Budapest recovered and now thrives once more as Hungary’s capital and as a tourist mecca, but has not forgotten these disastrous times.

Thought: We can only hope tragic events never touch us, but no family can escape tough times. Sometimes only time can ease the pain. As tough as it may be, families coming together will help. Mostly, the tough times will be behind us with communication, cooperation, and understanding. Don’t allow small issues to grow into lasting conflicts.

Summary
Maybe my travel/family analogies were stretched a bit, but Kathy and I had a memorable and educational trip sailing down the Danube. It is incomprehensible to imagine all that has occurred throughout the centuries on every square meter we touched. One thing is common to all those past societies, centuries, and locations; everyone came from or belonged to a family. There are those individuals who failed despite having a supportive family and other individuals who flourished without a supportive family. But most people succeed, as best they can within their time and place, with the support of friends, and especially family.

Breakfast on the Danube

About This Book, Not About Prague

11/4/2019

Prague, Czech Republic, by the author

In the five to six years I have been blogging my thoughts on fatherhood, I have not missed one week of publishing something. Even though I am on vacation, I cannot bring myself to miss a week now. So, I’m sitting in a hotel in Prague, exhausted from travel and touring, thinking of something easy but useful to pass on. So here it is. It’s about my book, The Power of Dadhood. Please buy it, share it, borrow it, gift it - but, most importantly, read it if you are a Dad! I guarantee you will find at least a morsel that will help you to help your children. What’s more important?

PS. Prague is a great city to visit.

The Power of Dadhood

This is a mentoring book. It mentors men who are fathers, especially young fathers, and fathers-to-be. Mentors are not necessarily experts, but they’ve been there before. They can give you some tips on what works and what doesn’t work. While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don’t, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don’t know what they’ve been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them. As I was growing up, I felt the need for a dad in my life and the lives of my siblings. Our father was often absent or unreachable, whether away from home or in the next room. At an early age, I became determined to create myself as a real dad—one who provides his children with love, interaction, mentoring, and discipline—not a father who contributes only DNA. I have gathered in this book my experiences and thoughts, the thoughts of others, and the personal stories of friends and family so that men young or not so young can move themselves beyond fatherhood to the irreplaceable state of Dadhood.

Throughout this book, I capitalize the D in Dad to emphasize the difference between merely being a biological father and achieving the ideal of being a wonderful, loving, and involved Dad. Please be aware that it is NEVER too late to become a capital D Dad, and that your relationship with your kids will be better, stronger, and healthier when you show you care, whether your kids are infants, children, teenagers, or adults.

As you travel the road from fatherhood to Dadhood through the pages of this book, I will guide you to stop along the way and assess where you are. It’s not a matter of flying a supersonic jet to travel from fatherhood to the state of Dad. It is a steady, intentional, mile-by-mile, where-the-rubber-meets-the-road process that can move any man from any background to the consequential and fulfilling state of Dadhood (and Granddadhood). And when you take this road, you are making society better, one child at a time.

Thank you!
Mike

Balance: Underappreciated and Overlooked

10/20/2019

Photo by author

“I never thought what my philosophy is, but it has to be balance in everything you do.”
—Abdullah A. Badawi

Balance is one of the secrets to a productive life in my opinion. Balance is the characteristic that allows exploration to the limits of one’s ability with the capacity to recover. It’s also a rule which says ‘you don’t get something for nothing’. To enjoy, succeed, learn, or control, you must suffer, earn, listen, and plan. Expanding on this notion, you will find a list of desires, and what you must do to earn them, below.

A parent must find a way to be an expert in balance. When to be tender and when to be authoritative, when to help and when not to, when to talk and when to listen, are all decisions parents make every day. When you have more than one child, another sort of balance is necessary.

From “The Power of Dadhood”

“Whereas a bold son or daughter may need to be reeled in a bit, a mild-mannered child may need a push toward adventure. We as parents, and especially fathers, provide the counterbalance to what we perceive is a child’s tendency toward adventurous behavior or meekness. It is not unusual to have one child who has to be talked into things and another who needs to be talked out of things. Spare judgment on either and be careful not to compare…."

Success can be easily identified in a narrow area like sports or academic achievement, but it can be very vague as it applies to the whole person. Rarely can an ability in one area make up for deficiencies in others. For example, if you are good at making money but bad at handing it, there will be issues. If you are intelligent but have no people skills, good ideas may be lost.

Another area of balance that is so important is the yin and yang of a mother and a father. The skills of each may overlap in some areas, but a mother can make up for the skills a father lacks, and vice versa. And each family has differing degrees of diversity and cooperation within. The goal should be to balance the two. Too much cooperation among each other can be smothering and limiting, too much diversity in lifestyle and personality can create chaos. However, a good balance of diversity and cooperation will allow families to thrive.

Summary

Again, from “The Power of Dadhood”:

Be Balanced……Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.

Balance in your life home and away.

If you want to Learn, you must listen.
If you want Growth, you must take risks.
If you want Responsibility, you must be responsible.
If you want Commitment, you must be involved.
If you want Achievement, you must have goals.
If you want Success, you must have persistence.
If you want Control, you must plan.
If you want Rewards, you must provide effort.
If you want to Be Liked, you must like yourself.
If you want Love, you must be patient.
If you want a Challenge, you must dare to improve

Help is not always Good; Limitations are not always Bad!

10/14/2019

When we have kids, we want them to be happy and prosperous. That’s a wonderful goal, but the problem is how to go about that. Some parents grease the skids for their children, thinking it will make success more likely for them. Other parents want their children to succeed but don’t do much to make that happen, either by choice (usually unconsciously) or inability in terms of time or money. A complication to all this question of nurturing is the variation in personalities. Some kids need a kick in the rear, some need simple encouragement, and others are a real challenge.

In my book, The Power of Dadhood, I bring up a question that you should ask yourself before you decide whether or not to help your child in any endeavor. It doesn’t matter if they are a toddler or an adult. The question is this, “Will your help make them stronger or weaker”? I ask this is because both are possible. One attains strength in the face of resistance. Helping too much at the wrong time will rob them of the resistance they need to overcome an obstacle and, therefore, rob them of attainable strength.

On the other hand, not helping enough can rob them of an opportunity to meet a resistance in the first place. The factor is often fear! Fears, unaddressed, can be fatal to success and happiness. Holding a child’s hand, either literally or figuratively, can be the help that will make them stronger by assisting them in conquering a particular fear. This help is accomplished with small, carefully managed, chunks of exposure.

As a child, I had a fear of people. This fear wasn’t actually of people, but the fear of not being accepted by people. I could have easily defeated my fear with exposure, but without exposure there would be no victory over this fear. Because I faced this fear alone, it took years to overcome. Help from a mentor would have made me stronger in this example, not weaker.

To those who grease the skids for kids, I say this. Would anyone be happy without some limitations? Of course, we don’t necessarily want limitations, and any worthwhile individual will work to remove them. But if we have nothing to challenge us, it is as if we were in a utopia. My dictionary defines ‘utopia’ as an ideal place or state. What is more ideal than having no limitations?

My answer to the above question is this - ‘having limitations’ is more ideal! Happiness is tough to define or even achieve. What can be done to work around the notion of happiness is to have a challenge or responsibility. Having a mission in life will give one focus. The best purposes in life are those that confront limitations. Defeating limitations is a pathway to self-respect if not happiness. Don’t take away the challenge of a limitation when your child can beat it on his or her terms.

Summary

Helping someone is good or bad, depending on when and how one carries it out. Limitations are useful when you can rally to defeat them. Parents are good-to-awesome when they can judge what their children need and let then find it themselves whenever possible. But parents also need to be there to catch a child in a fall and provide assistance to get them back on track. It takes a lot of thought to be a good parent. Having an idea of when helping a child will make them stronger or weaker is vital.