MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood
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Misplaced Anger, Forgotten Priorities

2/2/2017

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This little girl, given a loving family, can help fix many of the ills of our society!
There seems to be a lot of anger, angst, and protesting going on these days. The good news is that we live in a country where protests are possible and encouraged. The bad news is much of it is hyped up and misplaced. It doesn’t matter if it comes from the left or the right. Why do I say protests are often hyped and misplaced? Because they are. Hyped by the rhetoric the feeds those that are like-minded, misplaced because the real issues that should generate action are ignored. Let’s narrow it down and use two controversial subjects, gun rights and abortion, as examples.

Guns for sport and hunting are really not a problem to anyone save a few extremists. But guns for protection, real or imagined, are more controversial. Similarly, having an abortion when the mother is at serious risk, or if she was raped, is understandable. But having an abortion because you made a bad decision, or think you cannot mentally, socially, or fiscally handle a child, is very controversial.

Here’s what I say. If we put all our energy into helping families to stay together, there would be far less need to have a weapon to protect ourselves from the consequences of fatherless families. If we put all our energy into incentivizing families to stay together instead incentivizing them to be apart, there would not be kids looking for love in all the wrong places. Instances of controversial abortions would be drastically reduced.

I see marches and protests these days being more about fear than any tangible rights for which to fight. Fear of losing what you have or want - I get it! But guns, school choice, abortions, rights for LGBTQIA, all pale to the real problems in America. The real problems all stem from broken homes, lack of mentors, getting even with someone or some group instead of getting above the fray for the good of all.

Another example. Helping a foreign family come to the US to escape harm, sickness, or death is a no-brainer. But in an atmosphere where terrorists will try any trick in the book to get their foot in the door to our destruction adds a complication. The percentages of bad guys are small, but the consequences of their action are huge, so innocent immigrants and refugees pay the price of the bad guys’ intentions. The highest responsibility of the US government is to protect its citizen’s. Each side has arguments that are worth hearing.

I care about immigrants, especially those that have become citizens in accordance with our laws. But what about the natural born citizens of our inner cities or poor towns in rural America? I would guess there are an embarrassingly large number of US citizens that live in worse situations than some immigrants have seen. Refugees fleeing war, not of their making, are in a different situation. They need help from the rest of the world. However, we have wars going on in our own streets for which we are directly responsible. Directly responsible because we want fewer guns, or fewer abortions, or more cops instead of doing that which is necessary to remove the desire for handguns, the desire for abortions, or any need for more cops.

We want equal rights for the LGBTQIA community, fair and good! But if we had a “KTFT” (Keep The Family Together) community that had the ratio of “hype compared to the number people impacted” power that the LGBTQIA community has, we would likely solve 80% of our drug, crime, poverty, and out-of-wedlock issues in two or three generations.

Lost children and adults from non-functional families frequently use drugs to escape their plight or soothe their anger. Drugs bring crime because drugs cost money and drug offenders often don’t work or have money for basic needs due to their habit. Crime chases away businesses and jobs. Poverty sets in. The idleness of ‘not working’ causes more concentration on sex, drinking, drugs and partying. More sex and drinking brings children into the world with just a wisp of a chance to escape the challenges that caused their birth. The cycle of poverty, drugs, crime, out-of-wedlock births, health issues, and anger just continues, over and over!

So I am tired of the protests of anger and fear. I’m ready for action! Action in the form of a concentration of ideas and methods that will turn around the destruction of families in our country. I guarantee that in any area that has a large number of broken families, you will see the troubles I described above. Actions to address family breakdown doesn’t happen because too many of us have our little corners to protect, our pet projects that fit our belief systems, forgetting that a combined effort to make families whole and self-sufficient would take care of almost every corner and destroy the causes of the arguments that divide us. It won’t be easy to stop the genesis of all our problems, but what a waste of energy to ignore it. Our lowest level of social organization is the family. The genesis of our problems is the breakdown of the family!
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Yes, support of family and family values are in my corner, in every corner!
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Dreams and Barriers

1/30/2017

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Dreams have been the seed for many wonders and successes. Novels, buildings, religions, societies and entire industries have been born from dreams. One wonders what dreams were dreamt that could have helped or pleased us all that never came about.  What is it that brings some dreams to reality and others to silently die?

Barriers! We see barriers all the time. Some are meant to keep us safe. Some are meant to make us pay up or stay out. Some are meant to keep secrets for us or keep them from us. Others are just challenges, mostly in our mind. It’s pretty clear that barriers can be good or bad. Mountains, seas, diseases, prejudices, all have been real barriers that have been conquered. But there are barriers much less formidable that continue to keep too many of us from moving forward with our lives. The worst barriers are those that are imagined.

The four-minute mile was an imagined barrier until Roger Bannister of Great Britain broke it in 1954. After that, many others ran a mile in under four minutes. The spell was broken and so was an imagined barrier. Now the record is an amazing three minutes and forty-three seconds and even many high school track and field runners have broken the four-minute mile barrier.

Desegregation was a serious barrier in our country for many years. What is so clearly ‘right’ today, was not as clear to many in the past.  It took decades of brave people to push for what was right. Patience was necessary to change the mindsets that had been passed down from generation to generation. While it existed, desegregation was a real barrier to those who bore the burden. But it was also an imagined barrier by those who sought to keep segregation in practice.

There are barriers that are common to most of us, many of which are imagined, or self-imposed. I've listed many of them here:

Common Barriers:
  • Getting out of bed – it can be tough some days
  • Being responsible – you may be unwilling
  • Listening – you may not want to
  • Adjusting – you may not like it
  • Patience – you may have none
  • Lack of a goal – can’t meet one if you don’t have one
  • A lack of imagination – a serious barrier
  • Poverty - avoiding the other common barriers will usually break this barrier
  • Stupidity – one of the tougher barriers to overcome
  • Studying – it could be boring and/or difficult
  • Working – it could also be boring and/or difficult
  • Race, sex, religion – much more difficult for some than others, but never impossible in today's America (see other bullets)
  • Waiting to be treated fairly – Ha!
  • Coddling – don’t let it happen to you
  • Sympathy – don’t look for it!
  • Laziness – you brought this one on yourself!
  • Lack of confidence – a serious barrier you must fight through
  • Fear – risk taking is critical to real achievement

When I review the bullets above, I think every one of them could be eased or exacerbated by parents. Good parents teach responsibility and avoid excessive coddling. Weak parents often don’t urge or encourage their children to do well, nor do they preach patience in the face of struggle or failure.

Breaking Barriers

Imagined barriers are learned or self-imposed and keep us from reaching a higher success. While some give up when faced with an imagined barrier, others use them as incentives. Breaking barriers by individuals come about from at least three methods.
  • I’ll show you I can! (a challenge or anger can be a strong motivator)
  • I want it really badly! (desire, determination, vision)
  • I didn’t know there was a barrier. (innocence is sometimes a gift)
To break a barrier usually takes two of the three methods above named anger, desire, and innocence. Even the “I didn’t know about a barrier” method requires one to want something ‘really badly’ because if it were easy, there wouldn’t be a barrier. In fact, barriers exist every step of the way to self-improvement or to any goal.

Failure

Failure is often considered the ultimate barrier, the final blow - but nothing could be further from the truth.

Failure is an important pathway to success, i.e. unless you are failing in any of the ‘Common Barriers’ above. Failure is the backbone of trial and error. Failure is a tool of learning. Failure, when used in a positive way, will strengthen you. How often you fail indicates your drive and determination. Edison invented the light bulb, but only after he failed 10,000 times. Without experiencing failure, you will be an underachiever no matter how successful you appear to be to others.

Real failure and real success are within you, not a comparison to others. Real ‘earned’ success is dependent on the difficulty of the tasks and how much hard work was required to get to where you are. For instance, two men are equally intelligent, effective and successful lawyers. One comes from a well-to-do, educated family. The other comes from a broken home and was raised in a mostly welfare situation. The second man achieved more ‘within his world’ because he had to overcome more barriers. A woman sets a world record for women in the mile. Her time is slower than many men, but she is more triumphant because those men set no records.

No two people have equal talent, skills and ability making it difficult to determine who the real winner is in any circumstance beyond, of course, the obvious and tangible ways we measure success; who’s first, who’s fastest, who gets the most accolades.

Finding Help

The saddest failures in life are those who will not get help when suffering from any of the common barriers. Common barriers can be overcome by education, coaching, experience, practice, adjustment, alternatives, and openness! But the individual usually has to take the first step in breaking their personal barriers. When they do there are usually many people willing to help. This is where mentors become so effective. The first and most obvious mentors are parents.
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Good parenting and mentoring will go far in minimizing the common barriers above by reaching their children early and molding them. Simple observation by a mom or a dad will guide them to correct a weakness through education and encouragement. Mold your children into confident, imagination-filled people starting in their infancy. If you wait too long to be a mentor, molding them will be either a much more difficult chore, or too late to make a real impact!

Summary

Dream big dreams for they make smaller dreams appear more accessible. Accept success in small increments without frustration. Be patient, for it helps one to think clearly and stay on track. Never give up unless you are truly no longer interested in the goal. And, of course, have goals! All of these characteristics can be taught, especially to young children. Both parents are critically important as mentors and teachers! Certainly there are tough barriers we will never conquer. These failures are reserved for the most ambitious of us because the ambitious never stop until they reach their highest challenge!

The Power of Dadhood and motherhood is real!

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“Fences” and Fatherhood

1/16/2017

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The movie “Fences”, starring and directed by Denzel Washington, is a strong and moving character study based on a 1983 play set in the 1950s by American playwright August Wilson. As I watched it, it screamed loudly to me as a story of fatherhood. The main character is Troy, played by Denzel. Troy is on his second marriage of 18 years, works hard, drinks a little, and obsesses over a missed opportunity as a major league baseball player. He has one adult son from his previous marriage and a son in high school who stars in football.

If you have seen Fences, you will be able to follow as I compare Troy to the principles in my book, The Power of Dadhood. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. But be aware, there are no action scenes or sex, a disadvantage when trying to draw huge audiences. Most people want to escape from reality rather than study it!

Troy is in his fifties, has a wonderful wife and a modest job that pays the bills. As the movie progresses, we learn that his father was absent and certainly not someone to look up to. To his credit he, in turn, has become a force in the lives of his two sons. He is ‘present’ in their lives which represents the base of the ‘Pyramid of Fatherhood’. Being present is huge in parenting! Too many children (33%) grow up without their biological father living in their homes and the negative results of that situation are spelled out in detail in my book.

But being present is where Troy’s journey on the pyramid stops. He gives advice but it comes with a raised voice and a furrowed brow. He never comes close to being a loving father. He’s not interested in his younger son’s promising football career and, in fact, forces him to quit, ruining his chance at a college scholarship. The older son is a musician who begs his father to come hear him play, but Troy refuses.

His sons respect his power over them, but not so much him. This is especially true of his younger son who charges his father with being afraid of his potential success. But one true thing is apparent. His sons have stayed out of trouble largely attributed to his presence and oversight. Troy himself had spent fifteen years in prison for theft. There was no father figure to keep him straight and he didn’t want that for his sons.

When challenged about his fathering style by his wife, Troy repeats over and over. “I’m doing the best I can!” In Troy’s mind, compared to what he has experienced, he is doing his best. He’s doing what he thinks is best, but makes no effort to ask or listen to anyone else’s ideas. It would never cross his mind.

This is true for many men, maybe most!

Troy’s friend, Bono, when talking about the fence Troy was putting up for his wife said to Troy, “some people put up fences to keep people out, and others to keep people in.” I think Troy’s personal fence kept people out. He let his wife and Bono peek over the fence, but even they didn’t know the man that just had to have time to himself, outside of the family. And men do need time to themselves as men, but Troy went too far as the movie will explain.
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I have an appendix in my book that is entitled, “The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Dad”.

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​The illustration on the right names those seven characteristics. Let’s see where Troy succeeded and failed.
  1. Troy was involved because he was present. This may be the most important of the characteristics. He gave advice, had rules, and was consistent in enforcing those rules. All very important!
  2. He had some principles. Hard work and self-responsibility being two important principles. But he lacked many other principles such as an open mind and empathy.
  3. As stated in #1, he was consistent in enforcing his rules. It’s just that his rules could often be harsh.
  4. Loving? Troy was loving to his wife and close friend Bono. He was not, however, loving to his two sons. It was obvious that they missed his love.
  5. Fun? Again, he was often a fun guy, but never was there any humor as a father.
  6. He had passion in the past for baseball, and passion in the present for being angry at not making a better life for himself. He was also passionate in protecting his authority. Unfortunately, his passions did not include being loving to his sons.
  7. Balance? Clearly, Troy was not balanced for all the reasons stated. He did not balance his one-sided rules and power with loving nor fun. He did not balance his principles nor his passions. His life was not balanced at home and he had to go outside of home to look for what he thought he was missing.

Fences in Fatherhood

Look again at the ‘Pyramid of Fatherhood’ above. There are three levels of fathering that build on each other. Each higher level includes the characteristics of the lower levels, yet is smaller, representing fewer fathers meeting these goals. I contend that there are fences between each level that keep fathers from becoming the best dads they could be. It is my hope to bring down those fences… or, at least, put gates in those fences making it easier for ‘present’ dads to also be loving, and ‘loving’ dads to also be ‘nurturing’ dads. This has been my work since my retirement. The pay is negligent, the costs are high, but the rewards are invaluable when fathers become dads!
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Summary

If you have seen Fences, I hope you can think back to the movie in the light I have shown. You may disagree with my insights and I would be happy to hear your views. If you haven’t seen it, please consider watching it and look for what Troy does well as a father, and what he does poorly. Watch the interaction between Troy and his sons. Their faces tell us so much about what they want and don’t get. But his fatherhood was a marked improvement over the fatherhood he didn’t have as a son and I believe his sons will become much better fathers than Troy had been. That alone is the positive side of this moving story. All fathers can learn quite a bit about themselves as they watch Fences
, and reflect upon themselves as dads!

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The Greatest Gift Ever?

12/26/2016

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It's been a busy holiday season so I'm writing a quick blog to say I hope it was a blessed, magical, and memorable Christmas for all. It certainly was for me and my family! With four grandchildren eight years old and under, it was exciting and hectic. Especially nice was the fact our son was home for Christmas for the first time in many years. As an Army Warrant Officer, he has too often been overseas serving our country during the holidays. I think he was a little blown away by it all!

I’m sure exhaustion has set in for many, especially for those with children and grandchildren. I know my wife, Kathleen, who did almost all the shopping, cooking, and decorating, is on life support this day after. With time, the exhaustion fades away and the sweet memories take over.

Hopefully, we remember the true reason for Christmas and celebrate the birth of Jesus. But even for those that have different beliefs, or are more secular, Christmas allows a reason for families to come together and, hopefully, spend time for reacquainting, sharing stories, and solidifying relationships.

Families are natural support systems. When families succeed, individuals succeed. Individual success is measured not in paychecks, but in emotional health and the ability to contribute in positive ways. Successful individuals are not a burden on anyone and they contribute to the greater good. It comes down to the basic fact that families are the key reason for success or failure in any aspect of society.

One blessing I wish for all is strong family values. I am not a Mormon but I respect many of the family values they exhibit. If you were to look at all the states, Utah has one of the lowest crime rates and lowest rate of out-of-wedlock births in the country. Not coincidentally, Utah is also very family oriented due to the large Mormon population. Anywhere family values prevail, society thrives as also evidenced by Utah's very low unemployment rate.

On the other hand crime, out-of-wedlock births, and other societal issues will usually involve those individuals from weak or unsupportive family backgrounds. Statistics and common experience bear this out. These examples are, of course, generalizations and not an indictment or praise of any person or group. But to say it is cloudier in Seattle than Yuma, Arizona is also a generalization (but it usually is). 

Religion is a great asset to a disciplined society. But religion does not ensure discipline nor does discipline ensure kindness or acceptance. But religion does set standards and you will find where society fails, positive standards are few. Religious standards routinely include caring and community.

You will notice that all religions have celebrations which bring thier believers together. Christmas brings Christians together and is an opportunity to remember and practice standards of love, giving, sharing, and fellowship.  Those standards act as rudders of guidance in an ocean of choices. Without guidance, we are without the combined knowledge of those before us, therefore susceptible to avoidable mistakes and temptations. As an advocate for responsible fatherhood (Dadhood), I hope no man ignores his value as a mentor to his children.

As you may have noticed as a ramble on, this is a stream of consciousness article, in other words, I had no idea what I was going to say before I sat down. But I do want one thing to come to you as it came to me as I pressed on my laptop keys. ‘Family’ is a key to every result in life, whether positive or negative!  A family doesn’t ensure success, and lack of a strong family doesn’t spell doom. But a strong family does make success easier and failure less likely. A supportive family may be the greatest gift ever!

Happy New Year!

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Grandkids loving Christmastime!
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​The Greatest Blessing

12/11/2016

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The holidays are hectic, joyful, and sometimes sad. A mixture of emotions can flood our hearts and brains while we are shopping, listening to Christmas music, or wrapping presents. Among the best of things the holidays bring to us is a reminder of the blessings we have in our lives - our health, our memories, our loved ones to name a few. One of the dearest blessings in my life are the joys of my children and grandchildren. I’m certain that is true for the vast majority of parents and grandparents.

We are so thankful for our blessings, some of which are granted by hard work, and others by the grace of God. There is, however, a blessing you can bestow on others, those closest to you.  That is the blessing of being loved, cared for, and guided! If we are young, it is our parents who are in the best situation to bestow this blessing. If we are elderly, it is our children who can repay that blessing.

As a father and grandfather, I can speak for men. For those of us who want to be fathers (when the time is right), fatherhood is a blessing. Biologically it satisfies our basic need to continue our species. Emotionally it satisfies our need to love and be loved unconditionally. Intellectually it allows us to pass on our knowledge and philosophy to others who trust us.

No doubt, fatherhood is a blessing! But fatherhood is largely in our control. We decide and determine our contributions and commitments. The greater, and possibly the greatest blessing, is Dadhood! Dadhood is not a blessing for men, it is a blessing for our children. And what is Dadhood? I would describe Dadhood as 'fatherhood in action'. What fatherhood allows us to do, Dadhood does in fact.

Dadhood is an environment where obstacles to raising children are challenges to beat, where love is demonstrated - not hidden, and where a principled life is not only taught, but demonstrated. Dadhood is involvement! Dadhood is what children want from their fathers.

Fatherhood is a blessing for men.
Dadhood is a blessing for children.

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Many circumstances and factors determine the success of a life. One key factor is how we were raised, something we, as children, have little control. When children have parents that look out for them in every way and mentor them through the various stages of life, their chances for happiness and success increase dramatically. Of course, there are exceptions where children succeed having had poor parenting and others where children fail with proper and loving parenting. Nevertheless, the exceptions are few and the blessing of Dadhood ( and ‘Momhood’) may be the greatest blessing they will ever receive. Success and happiness is then up to them, hopefully taking advantage of what was given them and, hopefully passing it on, generation to generation.

"The Differences Between a Father and a Dad"

I wrote an article about the difference between a father and a dad. Please click on the title above to read!



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Helping Fathers to be Dads - A Slideshow

11/27/2016

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Fatherhood is a Blessing for a Man.
​Dadhood is a Blessing for a Child.
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I have a few passions that keep me busy. Two of them are photography and fatherhood. I combine the two in my blog, this blog, entitled, "Helping Fathers to be Dads".

Here are a few of the photos I have taken over the years that have been used as introductions to my articles. The quotes are some of my thoughts on being a father, and on parenting at large. Check my archives to find these and other articles on Dadhood!

Thanks to my daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren for being unpaid models.

The Dadhood Slide Show
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On Having an Open Mind

11/20/2016

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Most everyone would agree that having an open mind is a good thing. The trouble is, very few people have one. We certainly have seen that over the past few months during the campaigns for a new President. When people ask us to have an open mind, we’re not sure they are trying to educate us or convince us. With so much information and many viewpoints coming at us, we must be careful to neither be rooted too deeply in a belief, nor be the tip of a branch, leaning in whichever direction the wind is blowing.

An Eye-Opening Conversation

I had a conversation with a dear friend the other day and I asked her thoughts about something for which we disagreed. She explained her views and not understanding them, I asked more questions. Not surprisingly, neither of us changed our stance. But we did know more about each other and our philosophies.

The following week that conversation came up. I told her the only reason I had pressed her was because I truly wanted to understand her stance. Being honest, my friend said, “No you didn’t, you just wanted to harass me (or something similar) because you didn’t agree with me”. I was a bit stunned! In no way did I want her to feel bullied or threatened. I debate to understand, not to denigrate or belittle anyone. As it turns out, it takes a special skill I may be lacking to make that apparent.

Thoughts on Open and Closed Minds

One large group of Americans think they have open minds regarding all sorts of ideas and lifestyles. Yet, when someone questions these ideas or lifestyles, their minds are not open to those questions. Another group of Americans cautiously resist being open minded to ‘change’, especially when it threatens their traditions or beliefs. Both groups can be very stubborn.

Sometimes, the rebellious among us think they are being open minded by refuting their parents, bosses, or government. Thinking they are open-minded because their vision looks beyond the established ways things have been done. What they are rebelling against may or may not be proven to be unfair or wrong. They often think of themselves as being altruistic and cutting edge. Sometimes, they are. Those who are being rebelled against have little regard for the reasons for the rebellion for it can be difficult to be sympathetic to anyone bashing your world.
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Fear is a strong reason for a closed mind. We fear the result of being wrong, of being exposed. The realization that you are wrong, if you are, is painful and admitting it is more so. Also, many of us have a fear of conflict so discussion is avoided and minds remain closed for lack of information.

A ‘closed’ mind could also be described as a suspicious or doubtful mind. To change a suspicious or doubtful mind takes much more work, but it can be done. Brainwashing is a negative sounding term that occurs for both good and bad. It breaks down a conviction or habit and reorganizes a belief system to bring out a different result. Mantras are a tool used to train our minds. For instance, the character Stuart Smalley of Saturday Night Live would repeat over and over, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." He said this in hopes people would like him, assuming they did not.

I, myself, once had a confidence issue. I brainwashed (trained) myself out of it through the constant study of books that indoctrinated me to a new attitude. Students go to college coming out more liberal or more conservative depending what college they attended.  Commercials brainwash us every day to make us think we need their product.  Sometimes your mind is more open than you think. And often more closed than you will admit.

What Children Cartoons Can Teach Us

In the children’s series “Little Bear”, Duck may be the most open-minded of all the characters. She can be convinced of anything. She is also not very smart--in the most charming of ways. A duck with an open mind to everything has no standards or philosophy on life. Owl, another character, is not so open minded. He hesitates before going along with anything believing he has a better way. Owls are thought to be wise, but Owl wants to be the smartest animal in the forest. Having a closed mind is not good, but it feels safe. An open mind sounds good, but it may lead you down the wrong path if you are not careful.
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What Really Suggests an Open Mind?

In my opinion, those that are closest to having an open mind are those that ask questions about things they don’t understand. People like this are willing and ready to learn, but also cautious. Little kids may not be cautious, but they are very open-minded. They ask questions about everything because they want to learn. As they grow older, their minds close ever so slowly as they make up their own minds about things and ask fewer and fewer questions. For a parent to say, “Because I told you so!” to their child’s question is not the kind of response that will keep a mind open and curious. Patience for inquisitive children is a blessing. We never want to take that quality away from them.

Summary
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When someone asks you to have an open mind, try to do so but be suspicious of their motives. Are they trying to change you, belittle you, or understand you? Are they telling you what they think and not asking you what you think? Do they listen? If you ask questions of them, you are expressing an open mind and/or protecting yourself against subtle brainwashing, but you must really listen and consider their point of view! If someone with an opposite view doesn’t ask questions about you and your views, then they do not care what you think and don’t have an open mind themselves. In short, to be open-minded consists of asking, listening, considering, deciding, and verifying.

Important Note for Dads: In the vein of being open-minded, I plea for fathers to be the example. There is no better way than for dads to be open-minded as to their fathering skills than by asking questions of themselves. Please test yourselves using "A Dad's Self-Inspection Checklist", which can find here, or in Appendix B of  "The Power of Dadhood".

<http://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-2nd-annual-dads-self-inspection-checklist>

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Why I Wrote "The Power of Dadhood"

10/3/2016

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This article refers you to an interview I humbly granted to psychologist and educator Dr. James Sutton, founder of the "Changing Behavior Network" which is dedicated to the proper development of young people. He was so kind to request a follow up to my initial interview from July 2015. 

In the interview, I discuss, among other things, why I wrote my book on fatherhood, why do people react differently to adversity, and what were some turning points in my life. I hope by listening you will get a feel for who I am and why fatherhood is so important to me, and for society!

My thanks to Dr. Sutton and the Changing Behavior Network!

The intro to the interview

The interview: "Helping Fathers to Be Dads (Michael Byron Smith)"

​Thank you for caring for the welfare of children and families! Please subscribe on the sidebar by entering your email address and check out past articles.

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The Barrier of Good Enough

9/19/2016

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Something struck me when I was at a “Military Appreciation” event the other day. It made me ask myself, “what drives us to do better”? After setting the scene, I’ll get to it.

I was supporting Little Patriots Embraced (LPE), a wonderful charity that supports military families throughout the country focusing on the needs of military children.  I discovered LPE when I was looking for organizations to which I could donate my book, “The Power of Dadhood, How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”.

I brought a couple of my books to the event to give away to anyone that expressed an interest in the topic. The topic of my book dovetails nicely with the goals of LPE. Military families suffer many more challenges in raising children than non-military families, at least in general. The constant separations, the frequent moves, the long hours, and even PTSD, all contribute to more pressure in family unity and harmony. This is why Carol Watanabe, the founder of LPE became so interested in what my book can do for military families. Through her organization, we give hundreds of books to the military.

As I said, I brought a couple of my books and some literature to the event. People were very nice, it was a gorgeous day and a great turnout. However, few people took notice of my book. In no way was I surprised by that, in fact, it was expected. The food and fun were more attractive, but you never know who might be interested so it is best to be prepared. Finally, a family came to our booth and the mother picked up some literature on my book. She quickly put it back on the table and I said “Please keep it, better yet, here is the book and you can also keep it if you like.” The mother took the book and showed it to her husband asking him if he would like to have it. He glanced at the title and shook his head no.

This father of three young children showed no interest in learning more about ‘Dadhood’ because he may have thought he knew what he needed to know already. And it is much more fun to read Tom Clancy or the adventures of 'Jack Reacher'. His lack of interest in my book doesn’t mean he was anything less than a good father.

Pilots read aviation magazines. Gun enthusiasts read “Gun and Ammo”. Investors constantly read up on investment advice. I would bet these men are good pilots, great marksmen and wise investors, but they keep up and try to become better. My observations tell me this is not so true about their most important and vital responsibility, being a nurturing father, a dad! I don’t blame fathers for being like this. It’s a cultural thing. There is no general emphasis and very little talk about fathering. There is no pattern or social pressure to read about parenting for men as there is for women. I was like that myself!

What exists is a “barrier of good enough” which allows fathers to think they are parenting just fine, or at least as good as most fathers. After all, if you are around you are better than many fathers. Feed them, clothe them, pat them on the head, and go to their ballgames. It is all good, but it does not complete what being a dad is all about. A dad is also a mentor, a coach, a cheerleader, a disciplinarian, and a protector among many things.

Fathering can be like eating, you can get by without much effort. But by understanding diet, one can do much better regarding healthy choices. That fact was recognized and the void was filled, over and over again. The void in healthy fathering was not filled so completely. I think books on the topic of diet outnumber books on fathering at least 1,000 to 1. Yes, there are books about fathers and fathering, but they are mostly authored and read by professionals and academics.

My book was written for real dads regarding real situations. It takes a special father to think and research about being a better dad. Don’t be satisfied with a vision of being a good father based on past experiences that set a low standard. In the army of Dadhood, be the best you can be!
​

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Click here for more information on Little Patriots Embraced. A charity I highly endorse serving the children of those who serve us. 

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"My Dad, He's Thinking of Me"

8/29/2016

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Picture
When my son, Mike, was in preschool, his teacher asked him and the other kids to draw a picture. Mike drew a large head with a small head next to it. The teacher asked him what the picture was about. Mike explained that the large head was his dad thinking about him- the smaller head, Mike himself, representing my thoughts of him.

This really touched me when I first saw it almost thirty-five years ago. It told me how important it was to Mike that I cared about him. Like all little boys and girls, the need to be loved is insatiable. His picture was the seed that grew into a book about fatherhood by a man who had never published anything more than a letter to the editor. I even included Mike's drawing on the first page of  the resulting book, “
The Power of Dadhood”!

PictureMy son Mike and me about the time of his drawing
Mike’s drawing tells us more about the importance of fatherhood than all the words in the book it introduces. Parenting isn’t just about fulfilling a responsibility; it’s about nurturing a human life to be as healthy, successful, and happy as possible. If the father is not part of the parenting, the child and society suffer. 

While Mike's drawing is very special to me, it's not unusual. Kids are always surprising us with things they express that show love and emotion. It's a peek into their hearts and we mustn't ignore what they are wanting. 

A quote from my book states, "Love, to a child, is an irresistible need to be unconditionally wanted."

Imagine what it is like for a child not to have that need fulfilled! What does it do to his or her confidence and self-worth? Imagine being a father that doesn't provide that love. I cannot!

There is a continuum of fatherly behavior from abusive, to absent, to merely present, to involved, to loving, to passive nurturing, to active nurturing. The good things fathers do for their children starts at being present and grows exponentially from there. Yet, not many fathers consciously work to improve from one level to the next. Fathers, there are places to go to find where you stand and how to improve. Take time to improve the most important role you will ever have! 


Here are two past articles that may help, not to mention my book itself. Click on both!
  • The 2nd Annual Dad's Self-Inspection Checklist
  • ​How to Be a Good Dad in 35 Simple (Not Always Easy) Steps!

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