Category: Dads

24 Thoughts on Fatherhood

6/8/2019

A few thoughts from “The Power of Dadhood – How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”.
Some things to consider and think about as an involved father - a real Dad!
Remember, you are the first and only true superhero to your child. This book is your superhero manual!

1. No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own.

2. Fathers enable joy to their children through their support and protection.

3. Start fathering with your child’s first breath.

4. Fathers are examples of masculinity to their sons. They watch you like a hawk!

5. A father is the first man in his daughter’s life. She will believe what you tell her whether complimentary or degrading. Make yourself a standard for your daughter to judge the other men in her life.

6. Fathers teach by their actions, and they should always be aware of that fact.

7. A dad needs to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.

8. A better society starts with dads being involved. This act will reduce crime, poverty, mental illness, teen births, and so much more!

9. Only a father can love his children as deeply as their mother does.

10. Only a father can make you embarrassed and proud at the same time.

11. Children learn differently and they learn different things from their dads. That is very important!

12. There is nothing wrong with a man who decides he doesn’t want to be a father. But take proper precautions not to become one.

13. In a society where few fathers engage with their children, the following issues explode:

Child abuse
Education issues
Poverty
Crime
Emotional and behavioral issues
Inappropriate sexual activity involving minors

14. Society cannot replace good parenting.

15. A good father teaches his child how to deal with peer pressure, both good and bad.

16. A good father teaches his children how not to be a victims and supports good attitudes.

17. There are many obstacles to being a good father (time, fear, everyday life, personality, etc.). However, when an obstacle involves your child, you must overcome it.

18. The most important thing to do as a father? Be there! In mind and spirit.

19. Being a father does not mean giving up on your interests. It does not require 24/7 of your life.

20. Really listen to your children! Observe. Be aware. React when necessary but give them room to figure things out on their own.

21. Be as consistent and reliable as the sunrise. The first rule of trust and respect.

22. Fathers encourage. They encourage self-reliance, imagination, integrity, ethical behavior, education, etc.

23. Before you help your child with any task, ask yourself this question, “Will my help make them stronger or weaker?”

24. There are seven characteristics of a successful father. Accomplishing them will bestow upon you the most honored of all titles...“Dad”!

Be Involved
Be Principled
Be Consistent
Be Loving
Be Fun
Be Balanced (in all the above)
Be Passionate (in your Dadhood)

Note: Are you the best dad you could be? Appendix B of my book will help you determine how you can be even better. Take the challenge - I expect you'll find you're an even better dad than you thought you might be!

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How to be Stupid!

5/27/2019

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We all know stupid people, have seen stupid acts and done stupid things ourselves. However, some people have a knack for stupid. Maybe there is a reason, which I will get to later. Pointing out some of these stupidities to those we love or mentor may be helpful to their success. We all remember our parents saying, “If (Joe or Judy) jumped off a bridge, would you?” That was how they taught us NOT to be stupid. But it lacked panache. Teaching the right things to do or say doesn’t have the visual impacts or humor of ‘how to be stupid’. Let’s show them how to be stupid and hope our children ignore us as they are want to do.

The Trifecta of ‘How to Be Stupid’

The first step in really being stupid is to quit school before graduation or before you have a real skill. It’s not just what you won’t learn, it’s what it says about you, and the interpretations of others have about you - that you’re a quitter or think you’re too smart for school. You may get a job that earns well, but the odds are highly against it.
Speaking of jobs, not getting one is beyond stupid. If you are of sound body and mind, which is doubtful if you quit school, then you can still find a job. Sure, it may not come with a car and an expense account, but not only will you make some money, but you will also have pride and self-worth. Doing a job well with pride, no matter what it is, brings you respect. If you are the best burger-flipper in town, you will be more respected than a lousy insurance agent.
If you really want to be stupid, give birth to or father a baby in your teens. So many aspects of this will go against you. First of all, if you are a girl, the father may disappear or be irresponsible. This possibility shouldn’t be a surprise. Secondly, the freedom you have been waiting for all your young life will be gone! Thirdly, you are highly apt to be poor, really poor, especially if you quit school and don’t have a job. The statistics are overwhelming.

So what are the best ways to avoid falling into poverty?

Given the ‘trifecta of stupidity’ scenario above, the Brookings Institution has spent a great deal of effort studying this issue. Brookings whittled down a lot of analysis into three simple rules. You can avoid poverty by:

1. Graduating from high school.

2. Waiting to get married until after 21 and do not have children till after being married.

3. Having a full-time job.

If you do all those three things, your chance of falling into poverty is just 2 percent. Meanwhile, you’ll have a 74 percent chance of being in the middle class. These rules apply to all races and ethnic groups. Breaking these rules is becoming more commonplace, unfortunately, for all racial groups. By contrast, young adults who violated all three norms - dropped out, got married before 21 and had children out of wedlock and didn’t have a full-time job - had a 76 percent chance of winding up in poverty and a 7 percent chance of winding up in the middle class.

Not Thinking of the Possibilities/Consequences

I admit to not being a big fan of tattoos, just a personal opinion. I think we all look better without them, au naturel. But I understand the appeal of some to be individualistic - we have that right. The name of someone you love or have loved forever can be endearing. A small butterfly, flower, initials or other adornment is often sweet and harmless. But getting a controversial tattoo without thinking ahead is a giant leap towards being stupid.

Let’s say you want to be a real estate agent, a hand-sized tattoo of the devil on your neck may not be a good idea. If you are going to join the military, they frown on tattoos of swastikas or skulls on your forehead. I once saw a young girl with a tattoo about five inches tall of Mr. Peanut on her calf. She must have really liked peanuts! Another girl prominently displayed Tweety Bird. Tweety is cute, but what are you saying about yourself? Weddings, where the bride has a skeleton tattoo on her back shoulder above her wedding dress, do have their place in some weddings. The tattoo I saw of Patrick Swayze as half-man, half-horse, in a pink and purple motif, was a particular favorite of mind. Centaurs may have been all the rage when this lady chose her tattoo. Maybe it wasn’t stupid….then! Again, if you have an ugly, rated X, Taco Bell, scary, or cartoon tattoo, and don’t care how it may impact your future life or possible changing values, then go for it.

I live in Missouri, where they have helmet laws for motorcycles. Whenever I go into Illinois, where there is no helmet law, I rarely a helmet on anyone. Now I’m not big on the government telling us what we can do to ourselves, so I prefer not having a helmet law. But if stupid had a trophy, it would be biker’s noggin cracked open like an egg. Now I understand it is cool not to wear a helmet, both literally and figuratively. But it’s not cool to drool in a wheelchair in a nursing home, or die! Oh, and for you bikers out there who don’t like helmets while riding, I don’t actually live in Missouri. I live in Australia!

Some things become more stupid as you age. If teenage boys are “burning rubber” on their cars, it’s kind of stupid, but it is also fun (if done safely in non-populated areas). It is what we do growing up. Now if you’re 40 or 50 and you’re burning rubber, that’s stupid. You just wasted 5000 miles of wear on those tires. Grow up!

Smoking is stupid if you’ve never smoked before! Smokers smoke because they are hooked and enjoy it. If you’ve never smoked, you are not hooked. It is expensive and dangerous to your health, so why set yourself up to be slaves to tobacco? I see more young teen girls smoke than teen boys. One of the few examples on the plus side for girls being more stupid than boys.

Now it’s safe to say that boys are stupider than girls in general. But when girls do stupid things, it can be even more dangerous. Girls drinking at parties is even stupider than boys drinking at parties, if possible. Dressing to be attractive is good. Dressing in a slutty or suggestive fashion is pretty stupid for a girl to do. And don’t twerk. Why? Because guys are so much stupider! They think you are flashing a green-light for their pleasure. And boys do very stupid things for pleasure! Girls are stupid if they don’t know this.

Other Ways to be Stupid

Not checking for toilet paper before you go into a stall
Thinking your kids won’t be stupid
Not keeping your word
Sending money for any reason to Nigeria
Resisting arrest, even if you are innocent
Not listening to those that know what they are talking about
Letting kids have free, unsupervised access to the Internet
Not saving a percentage of your income
Texting on a smartphone while driving
Not paying off a credit card each month
Buying things you don’t need with money you don’t have.
Doing X-game activities when you’re not X-game talented

Some things are more stupid than others!

I know I guy who, when he was a teenager, was drinking with a few friends. They got drunk and decided to have a bar-b-que. The trouble was they had no meat and likely spent their money on beer, etc. They decided to drive drunk to the country and find a cow they could butcher. Amazingly, without killing themselves or someone else on the way, they found a lonesome cow in a field. One of these yahoos climbed over the fence, knife in hand, to kill this poor animal. He stalked slowly and unsteadily towards this cow and just as he reached this innocent bovine, the hungry drunk thrust the knife into its hind quarter! With the reflexes of a Kung Fu artist, the cow kicked knife-wielding predator in a place where the pain was so severe, he threw up and became instantly sober! No bar-be-que that night.

No, this was not me! but I have done stupid things like everyone. I have driven while drinking, stood on a porch swing only to fall hard on concrete, and I once played “You Light Up My Life” on a Juke Box.

Can you fix stupid?

Some say you can’t fix stupid. But maybe you can. Stupid has a recipe. One part show-off, two parts needing attention, two parts lacking a mentor, one part of lacking realism, one part of gullibility, one part over-confidence, two parts arrogance, all exacerbated by a dash of liquor, a pint of anger, or a shot of revenge. The young man who stabbed the cow would not have done so without this recipe. He did not have a present father, who abandoned him, nor a present mother, whose absence was created by a need to work endless hours to feed her many children. His act of stupidity was preventable.

Let’s change the recipe with proper attention, mentoring, education, acceptance, and supervision. Let’s face it. Much of stupidity is preventable. It will never be wiped out, and each of us will have our share. But children and young adults taught a proper recipe for living a good life will minimize stupid acts, becoming more successful and perhaps saving their lives! That proper recipe involves some critical ingredients, like people who care enough to sacrifice for them. Usually and ideally, those people are an intelligent and caring mother and father working together.

Summary

Stupidity will always be with us! However, individual acts of stupidity are very preventable. They are preventable with good parents and good mentors teaching young people the proper recipe to improve their chances for success using reasoning, values, and foresight. Very few of us are adequately self-taught in these areas. The pressures of society, especially uncivil society, are too significant to overcome alone.

#powerofdadhood

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Learning to be Grateful

5/20/2019

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I don’t think most of us realize just how fortunate we are. Certainly, this is true in the big picture. Realizing our fortunes would cause us to be more grateful, and I find that grateful people are happy people. However, to become more grateful takes a bit of reflection and less self-absorption. After all, we quickly adjust to our conveniences.

Is there anyone reading this that hasn’t slept in a warm bed, been awaken by the alarm on your smart-phone - which has almost any fact, type of entertainment, or directions to anywhere? You have refrigerated food that can be cooked or warmed in no time in your microwave. You may head off to work in your car or find public transportation available. Surprisingly, everything works. Highways, utilities, law enforcement, you name it, have occasional issues but overwhelmingly are dependable.
We live longer and healthier than at any time in history. My infant sister died of an esophageal issue in 1953, but my neighbor’s son thrives today, having had the same issue as a baby in 1980. Various diseases have vaccines. Infant and toddler deaths used to be common, now they are a tragic but comparative rarity, especially in the US. We have more free time and unlimited choices in food and entertainment. Crime has decreased dramatically - although we don’t realize it because we hear about everything bad that happens instantly. According to the document, named "The State of Food Insecurity in the World 2015" (SOFI), in developing regions, the proportion of undernourished people has almost halved since 1990, decreasing from 23.3% of the population to 12.9%.

All these good trends do not mean there is no sadness in the world. The pain of a loved one being hurt or dying will never cease. Misfortune still happens, and life is not fair. But that is not the point here. Outside of individual circumstances, our collective lives are blessed with advantages never known for thousands of years and up to less than 200 years ago, and in some examples, less than 20 years ago.

So What is the Point?

As I mentioned earlier, we adjust to our conveniences and become ungrateful. Caves were once valued and battled over as the height of shelter. Wouldn’t the cavemen have loved a canvas tent or a log home? Few of us would want to live in a tent these days. These seem to be extreme examples only because of our current standards. But there’s something to be gained by recalling the past and our current fortunes because doing so will ease some of the sorrows or injustices we may feel today putting them in a new perspective. As an example, a young girl living in rural China in 1900 would not spend one moment of sadness for anyone not making the Cheerleading Squad at school. Understanding our times are different, it’s okay to be down for a day if that was you, but move on quickly! Your son may have diabetes, but it can be controlled, giving him a full life, whereas he could have died young in the past.

My family was poor to the point of homelessness at times, but I never recall being hungry, and my education was free, allowing me to move out of that situation. One of my sisters had a baby at seventeen years old and was divorced soon after. She struggled for a while but earned a college degree in her forties because she lived in a society that had a path out if taken, unlike being trapped in a specific class like most societies in the old world and even some countries today.

Summary

Yes, every generation has the story they tell their children of how they walked three miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways. We all had it worse than the generation that followed us. And just like we did, our children laugh at our self-pity. But there is value in children learning and knowing History. That value is gratefulness! Let them read “A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich” by Solzhenitsyn. The story is from not so long ago, and it puts some perspective on how some people have been forced to live their lives. Many other novels or history books will tell these true stories. They will be much more useful and effective than our sad stories of how tough life was before smart-phones and Netflix!

Teach your children to:

Welcome challenges, for they make you grow! Know history, for it gives you perspective. Be grateful, for it removes boorishness!

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What is Easy but Difficult and Does So Much Good?

5/6/2019

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I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. It is this. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many!

Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
It could be you are embarrassed
You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
It's possible you just don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.

Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
Your admission is a real sign of maturity
It takes away someone's anger towards you
It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
Even if you don't think you were wrong, saying sorry says you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings.

Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and they will most of the time. Young children just want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,

An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
A weak apology is like no apology
An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult sometimes. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down, there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this.

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An Open Letter to Every Child Who Worries Too Much

4/29/2019

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Worry: To torment oneself

Last week, at a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball game, I was walking in the corridors between innings with my ten-year-old granddaughter. She noticed there was a medical cart with a stretcher on it and asked me why it was there. I told her that sometimes people fall or experience heat exhaustion, etc. and need medical attention. With 47,000 people in the ballpark, it would be likely that someone may need medical help. Immediately she asked if I thought anyone would get heat exhaustion today (it was 76 degrees), and where would they take them? “How often do people fall”? “What happens when people get heat exhaustion”? She continued showing concern for people she didn’t know about things that hadn’t happened. We were there to have a great time, but her focus was elsewhere.

Her anxiety was not an isolated incident. My granddaughter worries continuously about things she hears on the news, things she sees on TV, the fate of people and animals, and things that might happen – even if unlikely. Although her parents are frequently reassuring her, it doesn’t seem to help. Because I don’t want her to go through her young life like this, I decided to write her a letter, but I have not decided to give it to her, yet. I leave that decision to her parents.

Knowing she is not the only person, young or old, who wastes precious time worrying, I thought I would share this letter in my blog, Helping Fathers to Be Dads. I tailored this letter to my granddaughter, but much of what I say is appropriate for anyone who has a loved one that tends to mistake ‘worry’ as something kind, as some type of salve that will make things better. It is sad to see someone else who is unhappy or in some distress. But to see someone who is sad when they have many other reasons to be thankful or when nothing wrong has happened to them, it is a waste of their precious time on this earth. This letter is my attempt at an argument that might help those worriers to enjoy their lives better.

* * *
Dear Granddaughter,

When you came into the world, it was then I knew that being a grandfather was what I always wanted to be. When you were a baby and toddler, I had the privilege of spending time with you, one-on-one, being completely taken by your joyous and adorable personality. As you grew, you remained as sweet as the day you were born, and it was apparent you had gifts of intelligence, creativity, and empathy for others. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, but there is one thing I’d like to bring up to hopefully help you live a more cheerful life.

Too many times I’ve seen the sadness in your eyes as you have seen the struggles of others and felt their pain. Your concern for them is one of your finest traits, and I love you so much for it. But don’t replace empathy for others with wasteful worry. Your heart is big, big enough to share it with others. Even the potential of sad events is worrisome to you as you suffer in small amounts, stealing from your deserved happiness and right to a childhood that should be as innocent and lighthearted as possible.

I hope you understand that adulthood will bring you new and immediate concerns. But they will be concerns that more directly affect you and, fortunately, you will be better prepared and capable of handling them. You will move from worrying about things you cannot change or fix to issues that you can attack to the best of your given abilities. Being able to address a concern is comforting and something you will do. What will not change is life as it has been for thousands of years - full of good things and bad, joy and sorrow, miracles and tragedies, and ups and downs. The cycle of life and the survival of the fittest are the very essences of nature. We are sad for the antelope that is captured by the lion and forget the lion has to survive lest we will feel sadness for its starvation.

What I am trying to say is captured in one of the most famous prayers ever spoken – The Serenity Prayer! Read it and live it. There is only negativity and anxiety in placing worry in things you cannot correct on your own. While this insight is true, it is undeniable that turning away untouched by unfortunate events is difficult. However, unless you have a role in a heartbreaking development, you have no reason to feel guilt or responsibility for it. All you can do is say a prayer for those involved and then accept what you cannot change, pushing the sorrow out of your consciousness. When you do, you will be free to concentrate and improve upon those things near and dear to you, making them better. That’s your way to make the world a better place, by looking past where you have no power and towards where you can do so much good.

You are who you are, and I would never want to change you. I want the best for you because you have so much to give. You can do so much more if not burdened by those unchangeable things that hurt your sweet, loving heart. You can worry all you want and feel bad for others, but it won’t solve one thing. Worry is exhausting - a thief of energy and serenity – and as worthless as that worrisome thought last week, whatever that was?

Worrying about something that may happen in no way eases the pain even if it does happen - and usually, your worries will never come about. Turn on your ‘worry radar’ and shoot down that worry before it gets ahold of you. Do it by thinking what good you can do for yourself, or others you love, in its place. If you try a little each day and remind yourself that you can make the world a better place without worry, you will become a powerhouse among all those you touch and so very pleasant to be around.

Love,
Papa

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The Fortunes of Misfortune

4/19/2019

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"""…if a seemingly unfortunate aspect of a life has proven to be beneficial overall, then it would appear not to have been a genuine misfortune.” ~ Saul Smilansky

The above quote by Smilansky is probably true. All of us have benefitted from events that seemed, at first, to be unlucky or regrettable. True misfortune is not learning from any unfortunate aspect of your life or giving up when things appear bleak. The strength of misfortune is undeniable. It often works in one of two ways - by making the strong, stronger - or the weak, weaker. Of course, some misfortunes wake up the weak and, negatively, eventually defeat those that were once strong.

One may be surprised by how many failures burdened those who ultimately found success. If interested, here are stories of 48 people who suffered numerous failures before their success. These are the people who become stronger with misfortune, learning from failure. You will never know those who gave up unless you know them personally. They are buried among the multitudes.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin wrote on his Facebook page,

“As a young man I applied to be a Rhodes Scholar twice and was turned down both times. Just think how different my life would have been if I'd been accepted. ‬I'm sure I never would have become an astronaut much less walked on the moon. Sometimes your greatest disappointments or failures lead to your greatest success. So just remember, failure is always an option.”

How do we regard misfortune?

I turned the misfortune of growing up poor into the advantage of getting a 'need-based' academic scholarship to an expensive private university. I could never have afforded the top-notch education I received otherwise. Of course, misfortune is relative. When I say I had the misfortune of growing up poor in a broken home, that’s a relative misfortune. After all, I was born in the United States, not in the mountains of Afghanistan. Then again, those barren mountains in Afghanistan may bring happiness to those who know nothing else. Unlike many areas in the world, I had enough to eat. Never did I live in terror by fear of people who could dominate my life. I had schools to teach me, and I had a roof over my head most of the time. No, I could never claim to be a victim. When I think of victims, I think of the Holocaust or the killing of infant girls in China. No, my misfortune occurred in very fortunate circumstances!

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychology professor, wrote in his book The Evolving Self that most notably successful people (~70%) come from two types of atmospheres. One atmosphere is ‘struggle’ where individuals have a strong desire to escape their circumstance. The other atmosphere from which successful people emerge is from strong and often privileged families where much is expected of each other. Those in comfortable situations where expectations are light do not usually stand out. Their misfortune could be said to be their fortune. It’s clear we must have a purpose or motivation to move forward. It is also clear that those in relative comfort look at their misfortunes through a magnifying glass.

As stated in one of Garth Brooks’ most popular songs, “Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”. But we are rarely aware of those gifts. Sadness or tragedies we have unknowingly avoided are not appreciated. Everyone has had seemingly unfortunate incidents that have ultimately saved them from something worse, never to be celebrated, never to be cherished.

Summary

Misfortune can be deceitful! It is only human to be disappointed with seeming failure or a lousy break. Allow yourself a brief pity party but bounce back with attitude! That attitude should be to look at any misfortune as guidance from God, nature, karma, or whatever, to what is best for you. With that attitude, even if you don’t believe in God, nature, or karma, you will have an advantage to those who wallow in their temporary misfortune. Do your best! Go with the flow! Make lemonade from lemons. Accept what you must and move on, but don’t except quitting, not unless you are honestly no longer interested in a goal.

Now if you live your life with this attitude, your family will notice and learn. That's "The Power of Dadhood"

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Try Like Hell, But Don’t Give a Damn!

4/1/2019

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Me in my Undergraduate Pilot Training Days.

I did it all wrong! I almost blew the dream I had since I was a little boy. Fighting my way through the multiple schools I attended, dealing with introversion and extreme shyness, I had received a college degree, joined the military, and had been accepted into USAF Undergraduate Pilot Training (UPT). Since I was old enough to imagine, I wanted to fly. No, not like Superman, but like Charles Lindbergh or Chuck Yeager. That dream was the driving force that fought against my doubts of having the chance or ability to be a pilot. But now I had the opportunity I had been fighting for! I was at Laughlin, AFB in Texas with my shiny gold Second Lieutenant bars ready to be trained as an Air Force pilot. I would actually be flying jets!

Perhaps you can understand my enthusiasm and single-minded aspiration if you ever wanted something so desperately. I was on the cusp of a dream I always imagined, but one I never could convince myself would really happen. Now that I was here, it meant everything to me. I gave a damn! I gave a BIG damn, and that would become a problem. The ‘giving too much of a damn’ was complicated with the ever-recurrent doubts about myself. It was my first time away from home, and I was competing with mostly Air Force Academy graduates, young men who had been away from home and in the military atmosphere daily for four years. My lack of confidence was palpable and it fought against my desire.

Now, giving a damn about something would seem to be a characteristic that would be helpful, if not critical. I certainly believe this. However, to allow your passion to become a fear of failure is to cloud what you need to do to achieve it. Giving a damn can covertly defeat your goal by becoming a distraction. I allowed worry to occupy my mind instead of constant, intense, preparation -- not that I didn’t think I was preparing. On reflection, however, I did not ‘try like hell’ to study smartly, using every advantage available and forgetting my competition. I didn’t know what I was doing to myself! How crazy was this?

You cannot concentrate and worry at the same time. You can’t be a good shortstop if you are worrying about making an error. Philosophy of life and living was not a strength of mine back then. Because this is a blog about the importance of fatherhood, I mention that not having my father around contributed to the doubts I had about myself. He could have counseled or mentored me, and maybe I would have approached flight training with a different attitude. If I had been my father, I would have told myself to take care of business then accept the results. That advice is precisely what “try like hell, but don’t give a damn” means.

Of course, you should always give a damn about what you think is important. You do that best by setting a goal and doing what is necessary to achieve it. Once you have dedicated yourself to your best effort, forget about what the results may bring. The result of your best efforts will be what you deserve given your talents and competition. Most every time, this attitude will find success. If it does not, then you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! Acceptance of results after doing your very best is not difficult. It may be disappointing but not in the least devastating. Devastation is when you realize you missed out on something very important to you because you didn’t approach it fully armed with all you have. Something that almost happened to me!

I was lucky! After being at the bottom of my class in the first half of UPT (T-37 aircraft), I was in the top third of my class in the second half of UPT (T-38 aircraft). Time and experience helped me, but I still had much to learn about my approach to challenges. Eventually, with more angst than necessary, I got my silver wings, and it remains the very best job I ever had. I actually was paid to do what I would have paid them to do if I had the money.

I know I would have been a better student and pilot had I known what I should have known. And that is this - You can only control what you have control over. When you allow your mind to be cluttered with things you don’t have in your control, then you’ll be placing yourself at a disadvantage. Everyone has influence over the results in their life, but they don’t have control of the results themselves when competition and/or standards exist. Therefore, don’t give a damn about the results, don’t focus on them, just try like hell to influence those results to the best of your ability.

A Dad’s Role

As a father, you can be such a positive influence and indisputable force for your family! If you feed, clothe, and shelter your children, that is only the minimum requirements of fatherhood. Unfortunately, even these minimums are too often not met. But a Dad - an involved and nurturing father - can be the rock that his children need. He can explain concepts like “Try like hell, but don’t give a damn!” to help his children in their approach to the challenges they will certainly and necessarily meet throughout their lives. The Power of Dadhood is not only strong, but it has such powerful leverage! Just the simplest acts of love and nurturing will result in many multiples of wonder and success for the children of real Dads! A smile, a wink, a pat on the back, a suggestion, a correction, even a reprimand are all tools, and the magic wands, of Dadhood!

#family #powerofdadhood

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A Sleeping Child

2/25/2019

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Sleeping grandchildren!

A week ago, my oldest daughter sent me a photo of my middle granddaughter sleeping. I took one look of her perfection in that moment and was challenged to capture the feelings of a parent/grandparent when they look upon their sleeping child. Words fail to express, properly, that moment, that love!

My daughter's photo she sent of my granddaughter Rosie.

A Sleeping Child
by Michael Byron Smith

God bless a sleeping child,
So serene, so alluring.
A parents’ quiet respite,
Renewing passions, so enduring.

The pose of angels.
God’s work of art.
The reward of our burdens,
And the sighs of our hearts.

Observed with adoring eyes,
Their hair somewhat tangled.
Curled fingers to our lips.
Our heads slightly angled.

Misbehaviors are forgotten,
Love is full of grace.
That couldn’t have happened,
So precious is that face.

Grateful for our miracles.
Addicted to our devotion.
Exhaustion recompensed,
With waves of emotion.

The innocence is palpable.
The lips are so sweet.
The blankets disheveled,
Revealing small feet.

The matters that haunt us,
As troubles persist,
Shrink into Neverland,
While this blessed moment exists!

Now revel in this sight,
For you know it won’t last.
Children are ephemeral.
They grow up so fast!

Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

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The Power of Self-Responsibility!

1/28/2019

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This little one wants to do things herself!

"God helps those who help themselves"
~ Benjamin Franklin

My goal in life is good health, to be free of anxiety, to help others when possible, and not have to depend on anyone. That’s also what I want for my children. Granted, we don’t have control in all of these things, but we do have a say. I find that we don’t always take advantage of our ‘say’ in these matters. I have placed myself in situations where my health is ignored, where anxiety is a bi-product of a choice I made, where I pass on chances to help, and dependency is the only way out of a predicament. So do you!

Nevertheless, we should strive to do our human best to help ourselves despite the fact we will often fail in our efforts. But failing at improvement is like failing to reach the top of Mt. Everest. Even if you don’t reach the peak, you have demonstrated a willingness to plan ahead, to look risk in the face, and to ignore some present suffering to achieve a higher goal – all tools of future success!

Most of those I know would not express their thoughts of me as a ‘hard-ass’, at least I hope so. However, a few friends and family have criticized me for my views on self-responsibility by declaring some people are more helpless than others. While true, I’m a hardliner on pushing accountability to the degree possible for each of us. I’m a hard-ass on myself as much as anyone. Almost every disadvantage ever placed upon me involved terrible decisions as a factor, whether those decisions were my own or those who were responsible for raising and/or influencing me. These acts were rarely, if ever, intentional -- just a lack of foresight or inability to take charge. I rarely fault myself for bad outcomes as much as I do for a lack of planning or for not considering all possible outcomes.

Passing down questionable life choices

Without getting into detail, I was raised in a very dysfunctional home where daily life was chaotic. No stability, no feelings of comfort or safety, a lack of money, and life lessons that were reactive instead of proactive. Why? Much had to do with the choices of, not only myself and those directly influential in my life, but also those before them -- and those before them. For example, my paternal grandfather owned a bar and, in tragic irony, was an alcoholic. His wife, while kindly, was not an ideal mother in any sense of the term. Together they had six boys and one girl in a highly dysfunctional home – their lives revolving around the running of a tavern and all that comes with that. My father, the third oldest, being lost in the crowd and without much supervision, left home at 11 years of age learning the life of a vagabond and becoming an alcoholic like his father. While still a teen, he decided to see the world joining the Merchant Marines and sailed the seas, disappearing often and rarely sharing his pay with his family.

My mother’s parents were sharecropping farmers in southeast Missouri. My grandmother had a hard life! Her mother died eight days after her birth, and her father shipped her off to live with another family in the aftermath. She was forever unhappy -- even in her later years. My maternal grandfather, her husband, was a very strict, stoic, and religious man, kind but never displaying much love towards his wife or daughter. He was a very hands-off father busy with his farming and religion. My grandparents divorced when my mother was thirteen, and she didn’t see her father for four years. The effect this life had on my mom was predictable -- a young girl who wanted adventure, the attention of a male figure, to be told she was pretty, and deserving of love. Although a good student, she quit school at sixteen years of age thinking she was ready to be an adult.

My nomad father had a thing for redheads and met my fifteen-year-old redheaded mother, nine years his junior, while home between sea duty. When sober, he had a very charming side to him and gave my mother the attention she craved. Although put off by the age difference, my mother enjoyed the attention of an older, interesting, man of the world. Well, it was quite inevitable that I would eventually come into this world as a result of their liaisons. I thank them for that or I would not be here, but they were not meant to be parents, not as a teenager for my mother, and never for my father, who refused any responsibility for his children.

They decided to get married soon after my mother became pregnant at 16 years old and eventually brought six more children into the world. That brings me back to our dysfunctional upbringing and the point I want to make. The mistakes my parents made -- quitting school, drinking, my father’s decision to abandon us, etc. -- were directly responsible for our plight. Indirectly responsible were the conditions in which they were raised themselves and so forth. Fault is rarely borne to one person; it has a family tree. Therefore, it's up to ourselves to break free of unhealthy life choices passed down to us. This isn’t to say that one can’t make terrible decisions on their own, nor does it suggest we place all fault on our parents

So as I grew up, we were often on welfare or given some mercy on occasion by churches, etc.. We got blocks of cheese and powdered milk from the government, more than we could consume, and toys from caring people at Christmas. We needed help, but why? Unwise life choices! It wasn’t the fault of us children, not yet. But our lifestyle was sure to be imitated in varying degrees into the next generation if something didn’t change. As it turned out, we all made common mistakes growing up but added to that were the burdens that followed us from our upbringing. Today, despite five siblings failing to graduate from high school, mimicking our parents, most of us have broken the cycle of chaos to lead much better lives for our families! Unfortunately, a couple of siblings struggle mightily to this day from a lack of planning, a feeling of helplessness or defeat, or just bad choices; and those struggles have now moved into a third generation for some.

Being accountable is being answerable to no one…but yourself!

You don’t have to be stupid to make bad decisions. All it takes is a lack of vision and a lack of planning. Those in our family who have elevated their situation in life have taken on accountability for their futures. We’ve changed our ways and found people to listen to, taking their advice. We have all worked very hard to get past the lifestyle we knew. Self-responsibility or the lack of it is a learned characteristic for most! If being responsible for one’s self is not absorbed through the example of others, then we must start being accountable for seeking it ourselves. Those that do will always do better than those who don’t.

Note: I must qualify that the type of people I’m talking about have the resources we have in the US, with reasonable intelligence, no major medical (including mental) issues or disabilities. I also exclude those with whatever disadvantages I am leaving out that cannot be controlled by themselves. Those who are so unfortunate deserve our help in every way possible! They above anyone deserve compassion! Yet so many people are in terrible situations from their own disservice to themselves and take resources from those that didn’t have a choice, or had no part in their predicament.

Questions to ask yourself

So, parents, I ask you to think about a few things. 1) What bad habits and lessons did you pick up from your parents? 2) Have you tried to kick them out of your life? 3) Are there bad habits and/or misleading lessons you are passing on? You may not know unless you think about it. 3) Are you making excuses for your children and not putting any responsibility on their shoulders? 4) Are you consistent, fair, and demanding enough, or is it too easy to look the other way? 5) How many mistakes have you or your children made that have placed a burden on their lives that could have been avoided?

Sometimes it just takes a little thought and a change in attitude to change your life in beautiful ways. It would do well for your children to hear words like these from you, their parents. In no way do I, nor will anyone, expect bad choices to cease. That’s merely impossible, even when thought is given in advance. No doubt my mistakes will continue as long as I live. However, nothing but good can come from minimizing as many mistakes as possible. And yes, in times of a tough economy, the best of us can feel it – but not nearly as much as those without the power of self-responsibility. Teach your children responsibility and give responsibility to them. Besides love, there are not many things better to offer!

Michael Byron Smith,
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

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My Dad, Polly

1/21/2019

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Kids look for guidance every day. Occasionally, they even ask for it. Kids have questions that beg answers and fears that hover over them. Not always will they admit their insecurities and if they work them out on their own, that’s great! Most of the time, they will need an assist. An observant parent will notice when their child is struggling emotionally. Prompting a troubled child may get them to speak if they are ready, and most of the time things can be worked out.

A proactive maneuver to consider is to put positive ideas in your kids' heads in advance. If successful, these ideas will provide helpful ways to look at everyday issues giving them the patience and/or confidence to move forward until a problem is resolved. These ideas can be stated, preached, taught, practiced and/or written down. They can be borrowed from quotes or books, preachers or mentors, friends, or invented on your own. For instance, one of the 'wisdoms' that helped me tremendously as a young boy was when I was told by my mom, "Don't worry, this will go away in time and you will feel much better." I remembered this advice every time I was upset about something. Granted, sometimes it takes a long time for things to "pass", but knowing a 'future me' will be healed made the 'present me' feel much better.

Posters of encouragement can be made and placed strategically. A list of 'thinking points' can be printed out as reminders to drive these ideas into the sometimes thick skulls of your kids. The list below is an example. It is a photo of a page consisting of little 'wisdoms' given to my kids back in 2001 (excuse the chopped off letters). If I were to write something like this today, it would likely change significantly. But that was what I thought would be of help at the time. I know at least a couple of ideas were absorbed because they were repeated back to me.

As your children's parents, you know them best. Therefore, you can devise the thoughts and sayings that would work best for them. Ignore their seeming disinterest. When the need arises, they will want help and will remember where to look for it. At a minimum, they will know you care, and that alone is a significant act of love towards your children - something they need to know.

Yes, I’m corny and a little Pollyanna, especially considering my macho guy nature. LOL! But if being a little corny and Pollyanna-ish helps my kids or grand-kids, then call me ‘Polly’ for short.

Michael Byron Smith, father of three, grandfather of four.